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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Dementia is a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned. Everyone suffers when a loved one is lost to the ravages of it. In reality, you lost your "husband", the man you knew and married, a long time ago. You grieved that loss, you cried, you raged, you struggled with the decision to place him and only did so when things became too unmanageable at home. You didn't even know this man anymore.
Now he's in Memory Care Assisted Living where most elders struggle and beg to come home. They cry. They play the guilt card HARD and you dread each visit. You leave drained and feeling like a horrible wife. You have a hard time sleeping and staying asleep. It's a vicious cycle that keeps playing out over and over again until you feel like you're being driven insane.
Iinstead, your husband is calm and relaxed in Memory Care because he found companionship. He forgot he was married as the disease destroyed more of his brain every day. You have to witness him holding another woman's hand, but at least he's content, thank God. At least one of you is not losing their serenity 24/7 trying to figure out what to do to make the other happy. He already is.
Part of the 5 Stages of grief is Acceptance. You are grieving the loss of your husband before he actually passes. You'll feel shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. You'll waffle between the stages, back and forth for some time, working your way towards acceptance. In this case, you are working towards acceptance that your husband has found a new companion. Because of his dementia. It's a egregious loss nevertheless. The sooner you can arrive at acceptance, the sooner you'll feel forgiveness for something he's not doing purposely. You'll find happiness in your heart that he has some comfort in his very limited life now.
I pray that is the case for you, and that you can then embark on a life of your own. Yes, do continue to visit your husband and be his advocate and voice which he has lost.
God bless you and give you the grace and courage to see this situation as a blessing for both of you. The best of a bad situation, which IS a blessing where dementia is concerned.
Lea, you just summed up everything I’ve read about John Connor and Sandra Day O Connor’s relationship.
Sandra used to bring John to work. Then she quit her job. Then she had to place him. She was delighted that John was finally content instead of her worrying about it. When she visited and he was holding the other lady’s hand, she just held his free one.
I’m sorry for your hurt in this. Your husband definitely needs regular visits while in care. This serves to insure his care is good, the staff sees him as a person who’s valued and cared for, and his family makes sure he is well, safe, clean, and has what he needs. You can decide how often to do this, if you can have others help you do this, how long to stay, and if some of the visits need to be a quick peek around a corner, check in with the staff, and then go. When you leave, go do something you enjoy, like eat ice cream! During my mother’s years in care, we witnessed the staff taking a more active interest in residents whose families visited regularly. It may not be best side of human nature, but it’s still true, when you care, others care. I wish you healing from hurt and peace
Of course you DON'T stop visiting your husband, as he is still your husband. He can't help that his brain is broken. If you're having a hard time with seeing him with someone else perhaps just go once or twice a week. One of the ladies in my caregiver support group had the same issue as you with her husband. When she would go into his memory care facility, if he was holding the "other" woman's hand, she would just sit on his other side and hold his other hand. She knew that if he was in his right mind that he would never do such a thing and also found some comfort in the fact that he at least seemed happy in his new home. May you take comfort in the fact that your husband still loves you despite his broken brain.
While it is good to know that love comes even to the elderly, it's sad when this happens and it is very common. My Aunt's friend had this happen. She visited him because SHE herself wished to do so. And because her visits were not in any way "disturbing" to her husband, who simply introduced his new friend as his girlfriend, and his wife as another friend.
So it is entirely up to her. She can comfort himself that he is already for most intent and purpose gone. And she need not visit, but should check in with caregivers to make certain he isn't asking for her. She can move on with her life if that's what she wishes to do. And on the other hand she can visit if she wishes to.
At some point, quite honestly, were I in her place? This would be a GREAT COMFORT to me, odd as that may sound.
You don't give us details here so we are left really to tell you she should do exactly as she wishes to do. She may in fact, wish to divorce at this point and TRULY get on with her life, without having to worry about his division of assets. Tho she should consult an attorney about financial repercussions for him and for her first.
After Sandra Day o Connor’s husband went into a facility, she visited him while he was holding another woman’s hand. And the way she saw it was that at least he wasn’t lonely.
I am feeling jealousy even though I know it’s the disease. I guess he thinks she is me. She wants to be near him all the time. He chooses to spend a great deal of time with her.
I have seen this in memory care. I think, with the memory issues, it can literally be a case of "out of sight, out of mind." I think he is holding on to the comfort and love and security that you shared in your marriage, and is transferring it to someone who is physically present the way you always were. So in that way it is a compliment, that he wants to hold on to that. But yes, the circumstances and brain confusion change who he senses his partner to be. It must be a devastating feeling. I don't have any advice except to realize that it is not anything you or he can control. He isn't deliberately and consciously choosing her over you. But it is an additional layer of grief to have to process for you. I'm very, very sorry.
To me, this is a difficult one, I really don't know how I would react day to day.
I guess I would continue to visit weekly for a few hours and leave it at that. He has built a new life, I would start rebuilding mine, spending more time with friends and family.
When one is a caregiver for a long period of time, they lose themselves, might be time for you to start a new chapter in the book of your life.
Sending support your way, I am so sorry about this.
I would find this very hard to accept, but I would not stop visiting. What will happen if the new "wife" predeceases him, or her family separates them? All he really has is you. You can, however, take this as permission to spend time with new friends yourself if so inclined, or with old friends doing things your husband would not have wanted to do. Be kind to yourself, and do what is most comfortable and comforting to you.
This must be very hard to witness. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't visit as often, maybe one or two times a month. You have new found freedom now that your husband is in memory care. Try to figure out how to rebuild your life. I wish you all the best.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Now he's in Memory Care Assisted Living where most elders struggle and beg to come home. They cry. They play the guilt card HARD and you dread each visit. You leave drained and feeling like a horrible wife. You have a hard time sleeping and staying asleep. It's a vicious cycle that keeps playing out over and over again until you feel like you're being driven insane.
Iinstead, your husband is calm and relaxed in Memory Care because he found companionship. He forgot he was married as the disease destroyed more of his brain every day. You have to witness him holding another woman's hand, but at least he's content, thank God. At least one of you is not losing their serenity 24/7 trying to figure out what to do to make the other happy. He already is.
Part of the 5 Stages of grief is Acceptance. You are grieving the loss of your husband before he actually passes. You'll feel shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. You'll waffle between the stages, back and forth for some time, working your way towards acceptance. In this case, you are working towards acceptance that your husband has found a new companion. Because of his dementia. It's a egregious loss nevertheless. The sooner you can arrive at acceptance, the sooner you'll feel forgiveness for something he's not doing purposely. You'll find happiness in your heart that he has some comfort in his very limited life now.
I pray that is the case for you, and that you can then embark on a life of your own. Yes, do continue to visit your husband and be his advocate and voice which he has lost.
God bless you and give you the grace and courage to see this situation as a blessing for both of you. The best of a bad situation, which IS a blessing where dementia is concerned.
Sandra used to bring John to work. Then she quit her job. Then she had to place him. She was delighted that John was finally content instead of her worrying about it. When she visited and he was holding the other lady’s hand, she just held his free one.
Thats acceptance.
If you're having a hard time with seeing him with someone else perhaps just go once or twice a week.
One of the ladies in my caregiver support group had the same issue as you with her husband. When she would go into his memory care facility, if he was holding the "other" woman's hand, she would just sit on his other side and hold his other hand.
She knew that if he was in his right mind that he would never do such a thing and also found some comfort in the fact that he at least seemed happy in his new home.
May you take comfort in the fact that your husband still loves you despite his broken brain.
So it is entirely up to her. She can comfort himself that he is already for most intent and purpose gone. And she need not visit, but should check in with caregivers to make certain he isn't asking for her. She can move on with her life if that's what she wishes to do.
And on the other hand she can visit if she wishes to.
At some point, quite honestly, were I in her place? This would be a GREAT COMFORT to me, odd as that may sound.
You don't give us details here so we are left really to tell you she should do exactly as she wishes to do. She may in fact, wish to divorce at this point and TRULY get on with her life, without having to worry about his division of assets. Tho she should consult an attorney about financial repercussions for him and for her first.
I guess I would continue to visit weekly for a few hours and leave it at that. He has built a new life, I would start rebuilding mine, spending more time with friends and family.
When one is a caregiver for a long period of time, they lose themselves, might be time for you to start a new chapter in the book of your life.
Sending support your way, I am so sorry about this.
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