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Should daughters in law who live an extremely comfortable, mortgage free life thanks to their in-laws, almost ignore them when their in-laws are at a stage in life where that five minute phone call means so much to them?
Its interesting that everyone else thinks this is posted by the in-laws. When I read it I assumed it was posted by the DIL trying to get views on what she should be expected to do and what was reasonable. I think now that you are all right, but it just shows we don't always know who is posting especially when the profile is almost non existent. Sorry - that isn't an answer to the question, which I would certainly agree with the majority of those who have answered. Helping your son without some documentation / agreement at the time does not give you any rights to expect his wife to run around after you - if you need some assistance talk to your son.
I saw something similar play out. Lady with 2 sons had been propping up older son through a lot of "emergencies" that he always seemed to have and none of which were his fault (of course). It is believed that the total amount may have crept into the tens of thousands, but it would take the CIA to sort that out as no one's talking. Lady was also going into debt to be able to gift this money to her son - I know this is not the recipient's problem but it does bother me. When the woman needed help, it was widely believed that son who had taken so much money over the years should be the one to help - or at least he should repay the money so lady could hire help. He couldn't say NO fast enough in terms of helping and he did not pay much (if any) money back. He did get his feet wet, but bulk of the mess fell to the younger son (who was so neglected as a child that he barely got basic needs met). Older son held firm that the money was cheerfully given by the mother as a gift (or at most it was a loosely-defined loan that was never really expected to be paid back). The mother actually backed him on this and held a "what have you done for me lately" attitude on the younger son (who was never gifted much of anything). Sure, it would be nice and appropriate for the one who took so much money to feel a sense to step in and "repay" what was done for them. I personally check on an elder who did a lot for me (not financial) in my younger years and I do feel like I'm giving her something back. That's just me. But really all that's required in a gifting situation is a sincere thank you - which I believe the lady's older son had done.
I guess my question is, why do you expect help from your DIL and not your own son?? And if you did things for your son and DIL, did you tell them there were strings attached? Did you tell them what you expected in return? And where are your DILs parents? If they are still living, did it ever occur to you that she has her own parents to worry about? And that brings up your son again and where he is in all of this. Is it fair for the DIL to be expected to help both sets of parents? Does your son help his in-laws at all or does everything fall on your DILs shoulders?
It is really not healthy to live your life believing your daughter owes you something. If a phone call means so much, do you ever reach out to her? All too often people come here with a similar complaint about family ignoring them and usually, the person is just as guilty! They sit at home waiting for a card or a phone call, making no effort themselves.
Surely that is a question for the son of his parents to answer and then to discuss with his wife. There are two people in the DILs relationship it isn't just a matter for her.
a favor or advantage granted or expected in return for something.
Your post comes off as a passive/aggressive question asking a forum of caregivers to judge your daughter in law for what she's not doing in return for what you did for her. See the definition of that above.
If you want something from your DIL, or have certain needs you'd like to have met, your best bet is to make those needs known in an adult fashion. Let her know your feelings are hurt. That you're alone & lonely, that your frightened and have no idea what the future holds for you and DH, and that some loving support from her would be very much appreciated. That is how healthy communication lines are established, and how healthy relationships are built. Not by passive/aggressive hints and innuendos that nobody will appreciate or respect. In fact, that's how relationships deteriorate quickly and why the people you want attention from back AWAY. Just read the boards here to see that.
Good luck opening up some healthy lines of communication between yourself and your loved ones.
If you have gifted your son and his wife financially, that's very nice of you. However, a gift is just that-- a gift. It ceases to be a gift when it has strings attached; it becomes a bribe or a basic transaction. If you expected them to call you often in return, you should have told them so.
Have you talked to them about how you feel?
From what I'm feeling here, even if they did do a five-minute call, you'd be miffed they talked to you only five minutes. And I don't say that to be mean, just observation is all.
Missie, I think that you should ask for the specific help you want from anyone in your life. The worse that can happen is they tell you that they can not possibly do whatever you are asking. Then you know and can look for other resources.
My dad had this attitude, I helped you, so now you owe me. What? I explained that any help provided to anyone that had an expectation of future payback, when and how to be determined by him, should have been made very clear when the help was being given. That way the recipients could make an informed decision about accepting the help that has chains attached. He didn't like to hear that, at all. But nobody appreciates someone throwing "help" in their faces and it being used as a way to manipulate. I am not saying this is happening in your situation, it sounds like it though.
So if you really only want a phone call or even something more, you should let go of the idea that it is due because there is a debt for past actions. This will drive people away, guaranteed.
Make the 1st phone call, be pleasant, don't remind them of what they have because of you, and ask if they could call you occasionally because you so enjoy speaking with them, make it an enjoyable conversation. Do not use them as a dumping ground, ask about them and listen. That means a lot to everyone.
If I call and I am just made wrong about everything that I haven't done, according to your desires, and there is no appreciation for the effort I am currently making to be in touch, well, I probably will take longer between calls. Just how humans function, we avoid unpleasantness.
I hope that you can find a way to connect with your family in a meaningful, two way relationship that is pleasant for all of you.
What I am reading (between the lines), my husband and I helped our son and his wife buy a house. Now that my husband is unwell, I expect my daughter in law to pay us back.
I am not sure if contributing means helping with hands on care, paying for a care giver, or just handing over money?
Where is your son? Why do you not appear to have the same expectations of him?
I would like clarification by what you mean "almost ignore them." "Almost" is quite a subjective term. If you contributed financially to your children and their spouses, what was your expectation? Was it a gift, or were there strings attached, either expressed or implied? And I also am wondering where your relationship with your sons (s) stand in all of this?
Missie, no, I don't think that any money should be given to elders unless minimal amounts say for some housekeeping help, etc. And I think we should not spend time thinking what OTHERS should do. I also think it is unwise to make our children financially secure unless we ourselves are very secure for our elder years; it is unlikely that money will be seen again. It is best to save for ourselves, spend for ourselves and keep ourselves clear of judging what others do. That path leads only to a lot of resentment and unhappiness. You are currently judging what others give both financially and in terms of calls and etc. It is better we stay on our own turf, doing what we choose to, and not meddling in what others do.
I think exhausted got this right. If she is, I am so sorry that you are going thru this but as said, where are your sons? I blamed my sister-in-law for things that happened then realized...where was my brother in all this? Didn't he see how his wife was treating me and my family.
What kind of relationship did you have before your husband started having his health problems? Because it rarely changes just because the parents have aged. I think maybe u should make a call to your son/s. Tell them how Dads doing and that u would love to hear from them more often.
Missie, I'm just guessing here, so please clarify if I am off base. I take it you are the mother in law, and it's your daughter in law who you feel is being neglectful. Hugh is your husband and you are taking care of him as he suffers with some physical ailments and also depression. I'm unsure about the son. Is he deceased?
If the above is true, I'm sorry that your husband is depressed. Covid has made this an especially hard year for many. It could be that your daughter in law is also depressed and struggling. I know that I myself often retreat when I am stressed and prefer not to talk much to others, so perhaps this is happening with your daughter in law.
If not, what is happening? Is she aware that you feel hurt? Sometimes miscommunication can bring this on, or maybe she feels slighted for some reason, and you don't know what it is-- in other words, have you tried to talk to her?
It would be helpful if you share more info as to what is going on with your DIL, and even your husband. If you are struggling to meet his needs at home this community can offer a lot of advice and support.
First, there is no "should." My biggest concern is not so much whether the DIL contributes to the care of her parents-in-law, but why this is any of your business. Is there resentment that the parents-in-law financially contributed to her? I am more interested in your motives than hers.
I have a strong impression that you would prefer a chorus of indignation at this wicked ungrateful daughter-in-law's wilful neglect of her parents-in-law.
But can it really be as simple as that? Where is the son in question, for example?
Has there been a falling-out? Has this DIL previously been on good terms with her in-laws, and in frequent contact?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Helping your son without some documentation / agreement at the time does not give you any rights to expect his wife to run around after you - if you need some assistance talk to your son.
It is really not healthy to live your life believing your daughter owes you something. If a phone call means so much, do you ever reach out to her? All too often people come here with a similar complaint about family ignoring them and usually, the person is just as guilty! They sit at home waiting for a card or a phone call, making no effort themselves.
/ˌkwid ˌprō ˈkwō/
noun
a favor or advantage granted or expected in return for something.
Your post comes off as a passive/aggressive question asking a forum of caregivers to judge your daughter in law for what she's not doing in return for what you did for her. See the definition of that above.
If you want something from your DIL, or have certain needs you'd like to have met, your best bet is to make those needs known in an adult fashion. Let her know your feelings are hurt. That you're alone & lonely, that your frightened and have no idea what the future holds for you and DH, and that some loving support from her would be very much appreciated. That is how healthy communication lines are established, and how healthy relationships are built. Not by passive/aggressive hints and innuendos that nobody will appreciate or respect. In fact, that's how relationships deteriorate quickly and why the people you want attention from back AWAY. Just read the boards here to see that.
Good luck opening up some healthy lines of communication between yourself and your loved ones.
Have you talked to them about how you feel?
From what I'm feeling here, even if they did do a five-minute call, you'd be miffed they talked to you only five minutes. And I don't say that to be mean, just observation is all.
My dad had this attitude, I helped you, so now you owe me. What? I explained that any help provided to anyone that had an expectation of future payback, when and how to be determined by him, should have been made very clear when the help was being given. That way the recipients could make an informed decision about accepting the help that has chains attached. He didn't like to hear that, at all. But nobody appreciates someone throwing "help" in their faces and it being used as a way to manipulate. I am not saying this is happening in your situation, it sounds like it though.
So if you really only want a phone call or even something more, you should let go of the idea that it is due because there is a debt for past actions. This will drive people away, guaranteed.
Make the 1st phone call, be pleasant, don't remind them of what they have because of you, and ask if they could call you occasionally because you so enjoy speaking with them, make it an enjoyable conversation. Do not use them as a dumping ground, ask about them and listen. That means a lot to everyone.
If I call and I am just made wrong about everything that I haven't done, according to your desires, and there is no appreciation for the effort I am currently making to be in touch, well, I probably will take longer between calls. Just how humans function, we avoid unpleasantness.
I hope that you can find a way to connect with your family in a meaningful, two way relationship that is pleasant for all of you.
What I am reading (between the lines), my husband and I helped our son and his wife buy a house. Now that my husband is unwell, I expect my daughter in law to pay us back.
I am not sure if contributing means helping with hands on care, paying for a care giver, or just handing over money?
Where is your son? Why do you not appear to have the same expectations of him?
"Almost" is quite a subjective term.
If you contributed financially to your children and their spouses, what was your expectation? Was it a gift, or were there strings attached, either expressed or implied? And I also am wondering where your relationship with your sons (s) stand in all of this?
You are currently judging what others give both financially and in terms of calls and etc. It is better we stay on our own turf, doing what we choose to, and not meddling in what others do.
What kind of relationship did you have before your husband started having his health problems? Because it rarely changes just because the parents have aged. I think maybe u should make a call to your son/s. Tell them how Dads doing and that u would love to hear from them more often.
If the above is true, I'm sorry that your husband is depressed. Covid has made this an especially hard year for many. It could be that your daughter in law is also depressed and struggling. I know that I myself often retreat when I am stressed and prefer not to talk much to others, so perhaps this is happening with your daughter in law.
If not, what is happening? Is she aware that you feel hurt? Sometimes miscommunication can bring this on, or maybe she feels slighted for some reason, and you don't know what it is-- in other words, have you tried to talk to her?
It would be helpful if you share more info as to what is going on with your DIL, and even your husband. If you are struggling to meet his needs at home this community can offer a lot of advice and support.
Are we mind readers?
You MUST have a reason for your question but you haven’t given us any clues as to why.
It comes off as a bit judgmental to me.
Care to clarify for us?
If so, it may have been missed by those of us who are reading it.
Perhaps it would be helpful to us if you’d provide a few clarifying details.
You are not a factor in it.
Sounds like there is some kind of drama going on and you're trying to stir the pot.
But can it really be as simple as that? Where is the son in question, for example?
Has there been a falling-out? Has this DIL previously been on good terms with her in-laws, and in frequent contact?
Do you ever make a phone call to her?