Mother has advanced dementia and i am in hell...have put my marriage on back burner since father died oct 8 2025 and am losing my mind. I have only seen my husband two times since my father's death. I do not have the personality patience health or nurturing disposition for this responsibility. Shes incontinent, 3/4 of the time speaks incoherently, refuses shower/bathing, fights diaper changes, and is a wanderer...up all night multiple times(i counted 17 times one night between 12am and 7am) I dont get sleep despite an overnight caretaker cuz my mond wont shut off due to the stress.. Every aspect of my life has become about her...
My brother who lives on the same property as both parent used to be their caretaker but things were different when my dad was here ..there was no overnight care involved and they had caretakers that came 5 to 7 hours every day. My dad was also at dialysis 3x a week for 4 hours a day.. and while he was there, my brother let my mom wander around on the property and he did yard work. Since my dads death she has declined further yet my brother wont agree to put her in a facility despite having the liquid resources to do so...says im selfish cuz "i just want to return to my life with my husband", claimed my husband is behind my thinking which couldnt be farther from the truth, also said I have an evil spirit living inside of me and accused me of an abortion 25 years ago which the reality was, I left town for 5 months, had the kid and put him up for adoption cuz I knew since I was 15 that I cannot do a caretaker job including raising kids...
Yesterday things came to a head when he, who has never communicated well, when I brought up the fact that I cannot do this level of care taking anymore he lashed out, kicked and broke a potted flower, yelled inflammatory insults at me, accused me of an abortion, said i have an evil spirit in me and since hes lived 41 years without getting married that i should too...i admit that between lack of sleep, chronic stress, perimenopause that is extreme and not responding to HRT or a good diet, and trying to manage so many things it would make most peoples head spin if they knew, i snapped..i pushed him and then threw him to the ground (he didnt fight back). I just couldn't handle the inflammatory remarks. He doesn't understand that I don't just come in the house and sit with her which is extremely difficult for a person as active as me to do as I am not 80 years old. I am also the one responsible for all the laundry, keeping this house clean thats out in the country w people constantly tracking dirt in and the dog rolls in the dirt and brings it inside and shakes off and I'm just constantly fighting a fight where I'm constantly cleaning and doing the job of three different people. Cleanliness isn't an important thing to him but when we have paid caretakers coming in here and staying overnight with her, the house needs to be presentable. But he was trained by the way my father lived in this house with filthy disgusting habits until I got in here and cleaned it up. Ugh!
Anyway, I'm extremely regretful that things got physical yesterday and I'm just glad that he's a decent human being and didn't fight back because I could have really been hurt. But I snapped and everybody has that line that when it's crossed, bad stuff happens. Some people may not be aware of where their line is at because they've never been pushed that far but everybody has it. And for me walking away from the situation is not an option because SOMEONE has to keep eyes on her constantly.
If this isnt evidence for how overwhelmed and ill fit i am for this position, nothing does. the thing is, my mom is not financially in bad shape. She is she is well off enough to afford facility care but not well off enough to afford the same level and amount of care in the home, so somethings gotta give and it SHOULDNT be me..
Im finally POA & executor of the estate-is it ok if i override him and place her anyway?
Meanwhile you can get back to your husband and marriage, focus on your health, and have pleasant visits with your mother as her daughter rather than a stressed and overwhelmed caregiver, without your cruel brother present.
Don't think about it even a minute more. Get online and look up places, then start calling to find out which ones have openings. It's for your mother's well-being as well as yours.
Keep us posted on how it's going.
It is not your duty to do the hands on care. Great if you can but not everyone can do that 24/7/365 for years.
You make the decision to place mom in a facility that can safely manage her care.
If she has the funds to do so great.
Chances are you may have to sell property to pay for her care. (that is probably what your sibling is upset about)
Your other option would be to use mom's assets to pay for a fulltime caregiver. this way you are no longer doing all the care and mom can remain at home. but do this only if her home is safe for her to stay in while she is being cared for.
My advice is to stop fighting with your brother, and literally do not tell him you are in the process of finding placement for her. He gets 0 information until after she is moved. You may need to consider he is someone who may need to be banned from visiting her until he can demonstrate control over his mouth and actions. If he continues to be a force for chaos then he loses privileges.
I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. Find a place for her. Then plan what day you will move her. Plan to have someone take your brother someplace away from the property for the entire day. Then move her.
If he hurls any more abuse at you, let him watch you call 911 and report him. Video him as he's doing it. That will shut him up. Never let him get away with how he's treating you, no matter what excuse you wish to give him. This is called a boundary.
If he wants to continue to live on the property, he needs to become a useful and respectful human being or else he can find government housing or a group home.
You and your husband are the priority. I wish you all the best as you work through this difficult time -- and peace in your heart that you are doing the right thing for all the right reasons.
You should definitely place mother in Memory Care Assisted Living right away, where she'll be safe, fed, clean and cared for. My mother lived in Memory Care for about 3 years, until she was 95, where I placed her as POA. It was my job to make sure she was safe.
Best of luck to you.
You are the only one who can get yourself out of this situation.
Let them fail. Take the dog with you.
If she doesn't get out of this situation, she will have a (further) mental breakdown. Let go and let the universe guide you - and the situation.
This writer may need to ask herself why she stays in this toxic situation - what is running her to continue to do as she has? This will be a huge part of how she proceeds. She needs to learn to put herself first.
Gena / Touch matters
I know you love your mother but this is the living arrangement your mother has chosen. Just let it be.
Go home and repair your marriage.
This is what happened in my family. They chose the person who could make the right decisions and protect them when it mattered!! My sibs don’t agree with decisions I (as POA) made, but I know my dad would and mom would too if her mind worked right. She is happy, healthy, and well cared for. They wanted to preserve her money I wanted her to be safe.
Do it asap.
I have a niece who is POA to her mother and she lives on the West Coast. She came on the east coast to check on her mother's situation, and there was a big blowout between she and her siblings. After mother was sent to the rehab, her POA daughter slept sitting up on the toilet all night to get some sleep. The son had thrown all of the furniture out including the mom's clothing and jewelry to be picked up as junk. My sister had a reverse mortgage on her house that was eventually taken back by the bank. Of course, I was called by my deceased dad's stepdaughter to handle this. I didn't bother calling her back since she had said some extremely nasty things to me when I went to pick up paperwork from the house almost ten years after dad died. I washed my hands of the entire mess. Of course, I had been labeled selfish, and whatever other bad expletives you can think of. My sister called me to ask why didn't I get involved? I told her that her financial matters were none of my concern. When people get desperate, they start blameshifting anyone or anybody who is within reach. In this case, it was you. I don't blame you for knocking the socks off your brother. Violence is not the answer, but hey, things happen.
Four months is a long time to be away from home. Husbands get lonely. Don't ruin your marriage and allow an open fence in your marriage. Mom needs to be in a home. Call APS and report what you've told us today. Pack your things and leave. Let the home care company know that you will be leaving and schedule full time care for your mother. She pays until she gets placed. Get a restraining order on your brother if he keeps up his shenanigans until you can make it out of that situation safely.
As for your brother bringing up untrue things, (I won't repeat here), that is a form of abusive manipulation trying to get you to continue working there for free. Sometimes we have to extricate ourselves from these situations for our own health and wellbeing. You've given them three months of free care. You've done your part, so please, go home.
You have POA and the power to make changes. You need to make it clear to him that you will use that Power to do what is needed from M, but you also need to talk to him about the impact on him. Put other accommodation options for him into the conversation/argument, so that it’s not just about whether M really needs more care or what care you can do yourself.
Even though I had long felt, and her doctor had been suggesting it would be best for her, it was a difficult decision to move her. I am so glad I did since she is doing much better under their care and I know she has the help she needs.
As I said, my brother lives across the country and only sees my mother a few times of the year, usually taking her for dinner or maybe staying at a cottage she has, and where he stays during visits, for a couple of days. He doesn’t really know her progression.
I do worry when she is staying with him, especially this visit since he has her right now, but he needs to experience what she is like. She has recently started some behaviors that are new. His girlfriend, who is a doctor, and adult children are with them so I am relieved by that!
If your brother is living on the property and has been taking care of your mother, handing the job back to him may let him experience what she is like to care for now, not in the past. As POA you do have the ability to place her so you can step in to do that the moment you think he is not giving her the care she needs. It is good that you are the only one with POA! I can’t imagine what it would be like if my brother had been adamantly against moving her and what the resulting fight would be like. I agree with others that he doesn’t sound that stable himself so that may happen very quickly. He may also change his mind rather than take over again to begin with! In the meantime research facilities in your area and visit the ones that sound like they’d be good for her. I actually didn’t realize how soon after I found “the place” for her we’d be moving her! I signed an agreement on Halloween and moved her in early December. I am glad I didn’t hesitate to make the arrangements until we were really sure.
Your life is important as well so you have to do what is best for you. You may find, as I did, that your mother will flourish as a result. There is a lot to be said for having shifts of professional, around the clock caregivers who also go home to be with their own families rather than caring for her 24/7!
Take Care of yourself...it's time.
You need to take charge of the situation, make arrangements to place your mother, and detach from your brother and his dramas. You might temporarolyu get some meds from a dr to help you through this,
You do not need his permission to act - he doesn't even have to know about it.
For your own sake keep this all at as low a temperature as possible. Don't discuss it with him. You know you will only get resistance from him. What happened in the past or what his situation in life is has nothing to do with placing your mother.
Just quietly go about making the plans and make it happen. Wishing you the best in this difficult situation. Let us know how it pans out. Meanwhile take care of yourself.
Why is it up to you to keep eyes on her 24 hours a day?
You've told brother you can not do this. It's unfortunate he's angry about it. But, it doesn't matter what he thinks of how you live your life.
Go home to your husband, resume your life. If your brother does not want her to go to a care home, then he can manage her care at home on his own. You are POA and you have offered a solution - placement in a care facility. There is nothing wrong with that. It is not evil. It is what she needs. She needs protection from wandering off. And a full time staff who work in shifts. They get to go home to their families after their shift ends. And they have help - often two people at a time to help a resident with personal cares and transfers.
Caring for our aging parents does not mean babysitting 24 hours a day and changing diapers and staying awake all night to prevent harm. It is so fortunate for her that she can afford facility care.
medz, calming her feeding her, laundry, doing her vitals safety, bathing her. For home, full monitoring g, funds for provider someone who can handle mood. Safety and full engagement
vs camaras and monitoring , damage. Control hostile behavior, cleaning food prep.
Consider this idea; an escape strategy in place discreetly from brother as he'll just undermine it. Contact APS explain it's past a breaking point and require placement now. Mom's clearly in need of professional care in a facility. They can guide you through the logistics. Put her name in facilities they recommend. Together with hubs, let brother in on the care plan; as of today you're done caregiving. Mom has a safe option with professional care. When he starts in, LEAVE. Don't look back, go home with your husband and live your life. The rest is his choice.
if not, the best thing for her would be to find a good care facility. That is almost never my first recommendation, but you guys seem near crisis mode and she is the most vulnurable
It sounds like your brother is worried about what will happen to him since he’s living there. Are you planning to sell her house?