Dear all, I posted a few months ago about being the only adult child providing care for both ill elder parents.I got some very insightful feedbacks and reflected on my position.I set stronger and firmers boundaries with parents and siblings who are bullies ( call me names and flip the script because two of them are desperate to get a hold into my mums bank account and always bring up that I have POA into her accounts since she had dementia; I keep a copy of all receipts related to mums' care expenses so on that front I think Iam safe).
Anyway, I recently received an email from one of my siblings threatening to sue me for abuse of elderly and hiding medical information and changing my father's medicine without the family consent. The reality is that Iam an exhausted carer, keep both parents finances safe following some theft from siblings, I have been excluded from the faily group where I used to update them on appointments and the Dr is the one authorized -as a Dr- to alterate the medication if needed, not me.I offered them in multiple occasion to take over the caring role if they feel like Iam not the right person. ( according to them Iam developing same demantia as my mum in my late 30's yet each time I accept that and suggest them to take over since Iam sick well I am met with silence.) I ended up becoming a carer since they all ran away the minute both became sick.Anyway, I wish they would sue me already, since sadly for them I have been documenting all the bullying tactics and threats over the past 5 years. To be honest, I am not even interested in the truth, I just wish they would leave me alone.
For now, Iam just not answering their emails but I would appreciate guidance on the situation if you are familiat to that type of threats..
Return all emails with:
"No comment pending legal action."
Best of luck to you.
Continue doing what you're doing by not responding. Ignore them! Make sure you're keeping meticulous records and receipts. As long as you're acting in your parents best interest, you have nothing to worry about.
If their harassment continues and it starts to affect your ability to care for them properly, i.e. your health, sanity, etc then it's time for you to consult with an elder law attorney. Best wishes!
Sharing mom's info and you are POA: You should only share information with family or friends if it is necessary for the patient's care, treatment, or payment, or if the patient authorized it. Medical information is private! You have no obligation to share with anyone, nor should you.
Hiding medical information: Again, as POA, it's your duty to keep all medical information private unless mom wants you to share it. If, because of dementia, she lacks capacity to give you permission to share, it's up to you to keep medical info out of siblings' hands. If they had it, they'd only use it to try to hurt you.
Changing father's medicine without family consent: You are POA. It's your responsibility to okay or request med change for parent. There is no family consent AT ALL. They have NO say-so.
Bank accounts: You are POA and that means parent wanted you to act for them. Siblings can holler all they want, but it's to intimidate you. Remain inaccessible as you have been.
Continue to ignore them. If they get no information, they will be increasingly frustrated and of course will take it out on you. Keep in mind that lawyers are expensive and they'd need one if they wanted to sue you. Any lawyer would probably tell them that they don't have a case, so don't worry, it won't happen. Keep your silence, do what you must for mom, and consider moving her into a memory care facility so that you can get some rest.
the alleged abuse is for them wanting access to my mum's bank account and claiming I am not able to care for them because they believe I am mentally ill, hahahaha. When I agree and offer them to take over the general care and medical appointments etc since it is not safe to let me taking care of their parents 'if iam sick' etc they stay silent till the next bullying email. This really worsened when I discovered that they were stealing from my mum by redirecting her monthly retirement to an online bank. it took me 3 months to notice since back then I never followed up my mum's bank balance and just paid for everything.It was really by chance that I noticed.
I will keep ignoring them which is now sending one of them into a crazy spiral: One just emailed all the siblings saying that dad is very ill and has been vomiting all day and she was very grateful that 2 family friends were around. ( context: Siblings refuse to warn before visiting, so we have no rotation and often I go there and there is someone already, which is a waste of time and car journey...)
I did visit my parents today around lunch time and all seems fine; needless to say that I left within 10mn since my sibling was singing along that I was crazy and a psychopath; one hour later I received the suing warning from another sibling) Sight!
Why none of them did take him to the hospital then and is now sending an email after a whole day?
I would not wish all of that non-sense to my worst enemy.
I spoke to several people : legal / social and care coordinators for my parents who really helped mostly
Some totally ignored me and wanted to stay out of it despite it being their job, Sight!
Others informed me that they were well aware of the dynamics since two siblings tried to engage with them in the past and they informed them sternly that I was the PoA and they were not entitled to any medical or administrative information which was a relief.
I have also been told that the best thing that could happen was if they sued me since everything would go in my favour and by the look of it they are confident that none of them would dare to show up to a potential trial! I have also been told it was bullying and to just ignore it and keep documenting it all since the siblings are stupid enough to email their threats.
What a relief after several stressful weeks!
I cant help but feel a bit angry at myself for always falling for the threats and bullying.
After the crazy making past weeks I can now laugh at it a bit and understood a lot if comes from mental illness / projection from my siblings!
One of them was loosing it and wrote that I was the " cancer of the family" / I was pathetic and childless and had a sad, pathetic life, my parents hate me and only tolerate me cause they are sick..hahahhaha
Well well no need to justify myself but Iam engaged to be married and she is well aware of it. Needless to tell you all we will elope !
Love thisforum and warm wishes to all of you.
My situation occurred over five years ago, Unfortunately my family was in one country, I was in another, but I was the executrix (mum had dementia and they were in their 90s)
I had twin brothers living 2 1/2 hours away from them in Canada and I was nine hours by car away in New York.
after I had moved up to their condo to get them into a nursing home because of Mom, I spent three months in Canada, settling them in and taking them to doctors appointments. It wasn’t until I got home that one brother called my dad and said “she can’t be your executrix because she lives out of the country” and all sorts of shenanigans like that.
As soon as that occurred, I immediately got on the phone with my parents, family lawyer , and he was added to the will as secondary executor to protect me (bit of an aside, even though Dad did that to protect me, and I was aware of it we didn’t tell my siblings. They didn’t find out til they tried to sue me when he died.)
So yeah, I’ve had some experience with this sort of nonsense and now we get to go through it with my husband‘s father😡.
Again, my only advice to you see if you can loop in the Lawyer to be secondary executor.
Dad has a little medical procedure in 1 month.
i informed them last week and ccd the care coordinator and asked who can stay with Mum since Iam taking Dad to the hospital....Iam still waiting for a response (-;
It is such a pain to deal with.
I offered so many times to hand over the POA to one of them when breaking down the issues I have with siblings disagreeing with me being the nominated PoA to which my dad always said NO since I am the one handling it 'all'and no need to involve lawyers...that's when I started to document everything pretty much.
Damned if you do and Damned if you don't....that's my situation.
Our family was an interesting little unit. We three kids were adopted, but when I moved 2 1/2 hours away from where they were after college to a lovely little city, my parents decided to retire there. We were always close, but with them in the same city, we were together all the time. Regardless, where I lived from the time was about 30 I likely spoke to them every day because of their health issues so I knew implicitly their desires. My brother’s …not so much they did the 3 Hour drive to visit at Thanksgiving, Easter and somewhere around Christmas usually Boxing Day we are Canadian. Despite being the youngest child, they picked me as POA and executrix because I have experience with legal and administrative matters. The other two not so much, one doesn’t even have an email address I could go on for hours. The key for you is to document everything, attempt to be as transparent as possible and if that doesn’t work, just keep your head down, go about your business taking care of your parent and the hell with them. (one piece of advice I will give you prepare for what happens after you lose your parent. That’s when the gloves will come off. They’re likely on best behavior now.. my brothers were. It was a horrible horrible situation when my dad died that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Covid, me flat on my back with a dislocated hip replacement nine hours away from home in an Airbnb and had a nurse from the nursing home drive me to the cemetery to say goodbye to my dad all the while they’re threatening to sue me because I’m not processing the estate quickly enough and they wanted their money. So sorry you’re going through this.
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