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My mother in law is 97-yrs old with dementia. We were keeping her every other week and my sister in law every other week until my sister in law decidesd she is done with this either  we take her full time or nursing home, knowing we aren't fond of nursing homes. This has turned my life upside down. I love my husband so much I would do anything for him but I have grown to resent my sister in law immensely. I refuse to even be around her. She doesn't care what or how this has affected me my life or my marriage. All I wanted was just help. I love my mother in law but this has truly affected me so much and I blame my sister in law. At this point I won't ever speak to her again. Is anyone else going thru anything like this and are my feelings valid? My husband helps as much as he can but I am a female so its my responsibility to take her to each bathroom trip and there are many accidents plus bathe her dress her, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. Am I right to feel this way? I also have a daughter that lives with us with her 2 daughters and is pregnant for the third. She is supposed to be moving out. I am trying to be optimistic but its hard. If anyone can tell me they understand offer advice I appreciate it

The problem here is not your sister-in-law, it is your husband and you. Your sister-in-law is perfectly entitled to say that her mother should be in a nursing home. You and your husband have rejected that option. That is on you and him, not her. Since you and your husband reject this option, it is up to HIM to take the primary responsibility for HIS mother. Why did he dump all the work on you, why did you choose to let him, why are you continuing to let him? If he won't step up and provide the care, tell him he needs to hire in-home caregivers (paid with his mother's money and assets) to take care of HIS mother so that you don't have to, or the two of you need to go along with what his sister recommends and move her to assisted living or a nursing home (paid for by her money and assets or by Medicaid if she doesn't have any).

Your sister-in-law sees that your MIL's needs outstrip the ability to be taken care of by family at home. Please open your eyes to that reality as well. You deserve better than this. Reclaim your life, place her in a suitable facility, and visit as a cheerful daughter-in-law, rather than a resentful, overwhelmed, and unpaid care servant.
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Reply to MG8522
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Good for her! Your sister in law, I mean.
Your sister in law does not need to take care of her 97 yr old mother, and neither do you.
She made the right decision for her. And NO, she didn't consider how it would affect You and Your life. She is not responsible for Your life. You are. You can take care of your mother in law 24/7 for the rest of her life, or you and your husband can make a plan for her care, which would likely be a nursing home. There is nothing wrong with placing an elder who needs care in a nursing home; that is what they are for. Just like we have hospitals to take care of us when we are sick or injured - you don't just take care of everything at home on your own.

Stop blaming your sister in law for your choices. If you're not happy with the current situation, change it.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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I want to answer in a slightly different way, even though I agree with everyone else.

Your feelings ARE VALID and make sense for the situation you are in. You should be mad as hell that all her care has fallen to you! But you're mad at the wrong person. Let SIL be your role model and copy the way she stood up for herself, and you do the same.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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One of the most valuable nuggets of wisdom I've learned from this group is:
"As long as YOU are the solution, no one will bother to consider another solution."

If you don't like what's happening, then stop being the solution. There is no law anywhere that says you have to handle toileting duties because you're female. We live in a time now where gender roles are no longer written in stone.

I'm getting "up there" in years and would never ever want a family member or in-law having to clean my private parts. I would much rather they put me in a nursing home and let professionals do the job.

I don't blame your SIL. She's reached her limit and stood up for herself. Not everyone is cut out for hands-on caregiving. 40% of caregivers die BEFORE the person they are caring for. That doesn't include the percentage who become ill or incapacitated from the stress of caregiving.

Rather than complain to your husband, find or make up some reason to get out of town for at least a week. Once he gets to experience it first hand, it won't be hard to convince him to hire a caregiver or move his mother to skilled nursing.

You may not be fond of nursing homes, but you, your children, and grandchildren are living in a one bed nursing home right now.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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In my opinion yes, you are the one who is wrong. If I'm reading this right your sister in law tried the previous arrangement and decided it wasn't working, the fact that "we aren't fond of nursing homes" is your problem because it sounds like she is fine with that.
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Reply to cwillie
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Moving a dementia patient from one place to another every week is not usually tolerated well by them. Any change in routine can result in setbacks in her cognition. So that was a bad idea.

Now MIL is in your home all the time and that's better for her but awful for you. Good news: There are professionals who can take care of her better than you can. (Notice I said "you," not "you and your husband," because her care is falling mostly on you because you have ovaries.) No one has ever said that being a man excuses one from changing the diapers of his mom. Now, I'm not saying it's a wonderful idea. I'm saying that it is possible for him to help you with it. A person with male organs can also bathe his mom.

You may be heading toward in-home care for MIL. I advise you not to do that. Someone has to manage every little bit of it. Schedule, find replacement when in-home aide doesn't show up, train and supervise them, keep food in the house, clean, and on and on. You would be relieved of some of the care you do now only to replace it by being the one in charge of the vast enterprise that is home care, which can be harder than doing it yourself. And don't count on husband to do all the things because, you know, he's a male.

Dissect your bias against nursing homes. Why? Why rule out the one thing that would help you the most? Plus they're called Memory Care now. My husband has been in one for a year and a half. The care is professional, kind, well-trained, and the best he could possibly have. He has friends, a cute nickname, lots of affection, sees his doctor there almost every day, ditto his hospice nurse. His room is perfect, with a view of the flower garden. He can watch TV there or in the living room with his friends. They often hold hands. They have activities, and were outside blowing bubbles the other day. Choirs and dancing club ladies show up to entertain them every few weeks. They get special snack treats and three hot home cooked meals a day. I'm there visiting husband most days. We like interacting with other couples (one person of each couple is a resident there). Easter was fun, with an egg hunt with the employees' children. They're already planning a July 4th party, and we are looking forward to it.

I wish my parents had chosen facility care, but they insisted on dying at home. I know now that they missed out on the best place a dementia patient can be; the socialization is so important to their moods. Don't deny that to your MIL!

Of course you feel like you're losing your mind. Why wouldn't you? It's much too much for one person, and good luck with making it otherwise.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Hothouseflower Jun 13, 2026
My husband changed his mother's diapers and bathed her. His family was pressuring me to quit my job to take this on and I refused. I wanted to be able to have a decent retirement. My husband was already retired and it made sense for him to take care of his mother. It is unusual for men to do this but he did
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Nursing homes exist for a reason. Burn out is a very big one. When you get tired enough of the displaced hatred you feel for your SIL and MIL, then you'll need to place your MIL where she can be cared for by a team of people rather than a burned out and resentful daughter in law who never wanted to in the first place. As a female, it's your responsibility to speak your truth to your husband, not to wait on your MIL hand and foot and be subservient. That's the road to divorce and/or a nervous breakdown, and why women do not accept that role anymore in this day and age. Fix your marriage problem and your MIL problem and SIL problem will both disappear. That's my advice.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I hope you heard all the answers here. Your SIL says she just can't do this anymore. She has that right. Just as you have the right to say you don't want MIL to go to a nursing home. That is YOUR choice...but YOUR choice comes with being the one to care for her. You are mad at the wrong person. Don't like your situation, then change it but you can't force others to take on your burden.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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I agree with all of the advice given here. I hope OP takes a moment for some self-reflection instead of demonizing her SIL for realizing that home care has now become too much for her to handle. Obviously too much for OP to handle as well!
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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You can be as resentful as you want but your SIL has shown to you she is not going to do any more than what she is doing.

Having all these generations living with you is a lot. It is definitely time to figure out another living arrangement for your MIL. It is probably time for a nursing home. Hopefully your daughter's living arrangements will change and you can get your home back. I cannot imagine living in this chaos.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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