My mother in law is 97-yrs old with dementia. We were keeping her every other week and my sister in law every other week until my sister in law decidesd she is done with this either we take her full time or nursing home, knowing we aren't fond of nursing homes. This has turned my life upside down. I love my husband so much I would do anything for him but I have grown to resent my sister in law immensely. I refuse to even be around her. She doesn't care what or how this has affected me my life or my marriage. All I wanted was just help. I love my mother in law but this has truly affected me so much and I blame my sister in law. At this point I won't ever speak to her again. Is anyone else going thru anything like this and are my feelings valid? My husband helps as much as he can but I am a female so its my responsibility to take her to each bathroom trip and there are many accidents plus bathe her dress her, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. Am I right to feel this way? I also have a daughter that lives with us with her 2 daughters and is pregnant for the third. She is supposed to be moving out. I am trying to be optimistic but its hard. If anyone can tell me they understand offer advice I appreciate it
Your sister-in-law sees that your MIL's needs outstrip the ability to be taken care of by family at home. Please open your eyes to that reality as well. You deserve better than this. Reclaim your life, place her in a suitable facility, and visit as a cheerful daughter-in-law, rather than a resentful, overwhelmed, and unpaid care servant.
Caregiving can make you feel like you are losing your mind because it an alienating situation. You need to have a heart to heart with husband and tell him you will be hiring a caregiver to help with MIL with MIL funds. If that doesn't alleviate the stress then you can no longer be her care giver and placement will be necessary. Your health is a priority!!
You don't seem to care how it has affected your SIL. She reached her limit and said so. Everyone should have that opportunity.
"My husband helps as much as he can"
No, he is not helping as much as he can. He is letting you do almost all the work. Why would you think otherwise. You get put upon you what you will put up with. Refuse to change her and demand that he make other arrangements. Give him a firm deadline. You said, "I do" to him, not, "I will be your mom's unpaid, unappreciated home health worker for life." Start visiting nursing homes next week. Tomorrow call a home health agency to send a worker to take at least one shift.
You have WAY too much on your plate with your daughter and her children in your home along with your demented MIL who your husband doesn't do much for from the sounds of it.
It's HIS mother, so if her wants her to continue to live in your home then it should be HIM that takes her to the bathroom, gives her a bath or shower, and gets her dressed multiple times a day so he can get a true picture of just how hard this really is.
In fact I recommend that you take your daughter and grandchildren on a little vacation for a week or two and leave your husband to care for his mother all by himself.
I'm guessing that before you even got back home he will have her placed in a memory care facility where she now belongs.
Please don't be mad at your SIL because she was the smart one here, when in reality it's yourself that you're mad at for not backing out first.
Remember...caregiving only works when it works for all involved and sadly it's no longer working for any of you.
It's ok to say you've had enough too.
"As long as YOU are the solution, no one will bother to consider another solution."
If you don't like what's happening, then stop being the solution. There is no law anywhere that says you have to handle toileting duties because you're female. We live in a time now where gender roles are no longer written in stone.
I'm getting "up there" in years and would never ever want a family member or in-law having to clean my private parts. I would much rather they put me in a nursing home and let professionals do the job.
I don't blame your SIL. She's reached her limit and stood up for herself. Not everyone is cut out for hands-on caregiving. 40% of caregivers die BEFORE the person they are caring for. That doesn't include the percentage who become ill or incapacitated from the stress of caregiving.
Rather than complain to your husband, find or make up some reason to get out of town for at least a week. Once he gets to experience it first hand, it won't be hard to convince him to hire a caregiver or move his mother to skilled nursing.
You may not be fond of nursing homes, but you, your children, and grandchildren are living in a one bed nursing home right now.
Now MIL is in your home all the time and that's better for her but awful for you. Good news: There are professionals who can take care of her better than you can. (Notice I said "you," not "you and your husband," because her care is falling mostly on you because you have ovaries.) No one has ever said that being a man excuses one from changing the diapers of his mom. Now, I'm not saying it's a wonderful idea. I'm saying that it is possible for him to help you with it. A person with male organs can also bathe his mom.
You may be heading toward in-home care for MIL. I advise you not to do that. Someone has to manage every little bit of it. Schedule, find replacement when in-home aide doesn't show up, train and supervise them, keep food in the house, clean, and on and on. You would be relieved of some of the care you do now only to replace it by being the one in charge of the vast enterprise that is home care, which can be harder than doing it yourself. And don't count on husband to do all the things because, you know, he's a male.
Dissect your bias against nursing homes. Why? Why rule out the one thing that would help you the most? Plus they're called Memory Care now. My husband has been in one for a year and a half. The care is professional, kind, well-trained, and the best he could possibly have. He has friends, a cute nickname, lots of affection, sees his doctor there almost every day, ditto his hospice nurse. His room is perfect, with a view of the flower garden. He can watch TV there or in the living room with his friends. They often hold hands. They have activities, and were outside blowing bubbles the other day. Choirs and dancing club ladies show up to entertain them every few weeks. They get special snack treats and three hot home cooked meals a day. I'm there visiting husband most days. We like interacting with other couples (one person of each couple is a resident there). Easter was fun, with an egg hunt with the employees' children. They're already planning a July 4th party, and we are looking forward to it.
I wish my parents had chosen facility care, but they insisted on dying at home. I know now that they missed out on the best place a dementia patient can be; the socialization is so important to their moods. Don't deny that to your MIL!
Of course you feel like you're losing your mind. Why wouldn't you? It's much too much for one person, and good luck with making it otherwise.
Like others have said, SIL is not the problem she knows her limits. You now need to have a talk with DH.
Your feelings ARE VALID and make sense for the situation you are in. You should be mad as hell that all her care has fallen to you! But you're mad at the wrong person. Let SIL be your role model and copy the way she stood up for herself, and you do the same.
Your sister in law does not need to take care of her 97 yr old mother, and neither do you.
She made the right decision for her. And NO, she didn't consider how it would affect You and Your life. She is not responsible for Your life. You are. You can take care of your mother in law 24/7 for the rest of her life, or you and your husband can make a plan for her care, which would likely be a nursing home. There is nothing wrong with placing an elder who needs care in a nursing home; that is what they are for. Just like we have hospitals to take care of us when we are sick or injured - you don't just take care of everything at home on your own.
Stop blaming your sister in law for your choices. If you're not happy with the current situation, change it.
Best of luck to you.
Your sister-in-law reached her limit. Your sister -in-law is not preventing you from placing your mother in law . Therefore your sister-in-law is not the problem .
The problem is your mother-in-law needs more care than you can provide.
Tell your husband you have reached your limit as well.
Some kids aren’t fond of school , but they have to go anyway.
Yet, you are feeling forced in the absence of anyone else stepping up?
I understand how you would be feeling this way.
Your home looks very over crowded.
Having all these generations living with you is a lot. It is definitely time to figure out another living arrangement for your MIL. It is probably time for a nursing home. Hopefully your daughter's living arrangements will change and you can get your home back. I cannot imagine living in this chaos.
It would be interesting if SIL ever posted on this site and we caregivers gave her that advice. Because we get this question about burnout