I have been a caregiver for both of my parent for several years. I am not very old though as I am in my early 30s. I have put my life on hold for the most part.
They both smoke and refuse to smoke outside. The smoke in my laundry room. They took over most of the house and I just get the basement. My mom has severe COPD and is on oxygen. They both have mobility issues.
I try to be understanding but it is a daily fight. I cannot tolerate cigarette smoke as I am allergic and have a rare autoimmune disorder which flares from cigarette smoke. They often leave the door open and this room is off the kitchen and barely crack the window because it is cold outside.
It was my understanding they were going to occasionally going to smoke in there in front of a window and go outside when it was nice. This has not been what has happened. I get a space in a small basement and can’t stand to be in the rest of the house as it smells awful. The smell often makes it downstairs.
She is a compulsive shopper and he is a hoarder. They have filled the whole 2 car garage with junk they agreed to get rid of. Some of it has been due to a lot of work by me. They have very little money and most they spend on cigarettes.
Mom has had pneumonia for a year and half. I think it is from her COPD worsening. They both have had strokes and have spine problems. She also is incontient and needs a fecal sac.
I need help. Am I being unreasonable asking them to smoke outside. There is a deck right off the sunroom. I am miserable and I they don’t seem to happy to follow the rules.
I pay 85% of the cost and they pay the rest. They put money towards the down payment since the house would of been more than I could afford without it. Housing here is expensive.
Also so I am in the least expensive area for the city. It also wasn’t my idea rather it was theirs.
Obviously I can’t force them to move. So what options do I have. I already asked them to move. They do not want to move or live in apartment and even if I have them to down payment they couldn’t afford a senior apartment here as most of them are very expensive. They have no retirement at all on SS.
I have already told them several times this isn’t working out and they need to move. I also told them I want to live by myself.
They just pretend like I never said it.
So really what are my options?
How can I find housing option for two people with SS as their only income, loans, and tons of stuff?
You parents are only in their 50's, they could potentially live many more years, even with their self destructive habits.
You need to get out of there. Best bet is sell the house, return their downpayment with interest, use your mortgage rate of interest, and move on. There is no good outcome if you continue to live together. Your health will be compromised, the value of the house will be compromised and you will just resent your parents for their bad choices.
Buy a place you can afford, in a community you like and let them fend for themselves. I am in my early 50's and cannot imagine putting my kids through what your parents are doing to you.
Start living your life for yourself, which is what a person in their 30's should be doing.
I do not think I would be able to sell the house and make enough to do that. I have to still pay the relator and closing costs. The house was just bought a couple of years ago.
It obviously was not my idea. They told me they had no other options and would of been living in their car. The things they told me weren’t exactly true. They guilted me into it. They had other options but took advantage of me since I make a good income and they didn’t want to downsize or scale down their lifestyles
And no I wouldn’t expect any parent to act the way they have.
You've been their caregiver for several years. You're in your early thirties. How old are they? And when did they hoodwink you into agreeing to this household set-up?
If I were you I think I'd be looking for an out. Not so much just over the smoking issue, but over the fact that they don't want to change, they aren't going to change, it is futile imagining that they will change and arguably it is their right not to change. So unless you're happy to carry on sharing as is... where's the exit?
They can retrieve their down payment, you can get back your share, and then you get a one-person dwelling and start again. What they do is their problem.
They are in there late 50s. It has been about 2.5 - 3 years.
Your parents are returned to the position they were in when they decided to lean on you. The difference will be that now that they won't have you to lean on they will have to think of something else.
You are returned to the position where, although you can't afford to get a share in a house as large and nice as the one you now live in (or a bit of it, anyway), you are no worse off than you would have been without their input.
On the plus side: they will have to rethink their plans as an independent adult couple, which won't do them any harm; and you will escape the cigarette smoke along with the resentment and frustration and thanklessness that are currently making you miserable, and you will have no further obligation towards your parents.
Unless I'm missing something else?
Granted there will be costs to this upheaval, granted it won't go down well with your parents. But what's the alternative? Wouldn't you like to start over, given the chance?
You say ‘Obviously I can’t force them to move’. No, it isn’t obvious. Go to a lawyer. You say ‘How can I find housing option for two people’. You don’t have to - at age 50s it’s their responsibility to house themselves. You say that they are paying only 15% of total running costs including groceries. Put the rent up – their share is two thirds of the total. (The accountant in me says two thirds of the mortgage interest but not of the capital repayments). If that’s too much on a disability pension, they need cheaper housing, not the ‘lifestyle’ choice they have saddled you with. I’m 72, I too have serious scoliosis, my husband has chronic migraine, and no-one makes all these concessions to us. Less pocket money could help curb the smoking and compulsive shopping. The parents don’t get their ‘contribution’ back either – it was a gift, they pushed the sharing for their benefit, and they have not paid their way since then. The interest on it went into the mortgage to provide their lifestyle housing. At most morally, they get back the contribution less the costs of this whole purchase/sale/mortgage fiasco for which they pushed – and less the cost of clearing out their hoarded junk.
It’s clear that even without the smoking problem, you shouldn’t be living in such an expensive place yourself, and you shouldn’t be sharing with your parents. Stop saying ‘yes, but’, and accept that’s what you are aiming for. Then get legal advice about how to make it happen. If you don’t change yourself, you can’t change anything else. It’s tough, but not as tough as facing this situation for another 30 or 40 years.
This works so well that my mom, who is an ex smoker thought I didn't smoke in my house. I laughed and said only out of courtesy to you, actually I didn't want to listen to her biotching about the smoke. But it does take care of the smoke and odor.
I think that them risking blowing the house up is a huge problem. I think I would ask them if they even gave a crap about me. Their bad habit risks your health and welfare and that doesn't seem to bother them. Would they prefer to be in a facility? Because quite frankly that is where they will end up if your immune system goes crazy from constant exposure to irritants.
I used to have a sign in my office that said, "Second hand smoke is the result of your habit, excessive urination is the result of mine. I don't mind breathing your second hand smoke if you don't mind me peeing on your head."
Oh btw, I quit smoking 10 years ago and recommend it. I feel so much better. I used e cigs that look like cigarettes and taste like them, none of that vaping flavors business.
Good luck, it is a terrible habit that is hard to break because it truly increases the serotonin in your system.
I smoked in the past for a couple of year but it made me extremely sick so I quit and my doctor told me to make sure to stay away from all sources of second hand smoke since I have a vascular disorder.
Nursing homes have areas outside designated for smokers. I guess some assisted living facilities do too. I know when my mom did rehab at the NH I would see the smokers go outside.
You’re dealing with more than a smoking issue though.
Hoarding issue, geeeeez. If you can live separately later on, I’d do it. You deserve better. Best wishes to you and your family.
It might have helped if the rules were clearer when they moved in – or it might have made no difference. You need some rules now, and some penalties (like you leave) if the rules aren’t followed. That might cause some arguments about the finances, but that might be easier to deal with than trying to monitor the smoking.
I think that getting rid of the smoking and its health issues for you, is more important than moral judgements on whether or not smoking is acceptable. If it’s your house, it has to be healthy for you. You won’t win on the ‘moral’ judgements, but you have to win on the health risks.
I just want they to respect my wishes and not impact my health.
These let me take of my parents in my home just end up being a mess, time to let go and move forward with your life.
Sending support your way.
They have three dogs and lots of stuff. How woukd I be able to force them to go into assisted living?