I wish I could visit her just once and it not just be a bitch fest from her. And now, she's adding racially disparaging comments to the mix. Which she knows is wrong because she lowers her voice while she says the specifically racial comments, then raises it back once those couple of words are spoken. This is how I know this is not just the dementia talking. Where I do think the dementia comes into play with these racist comments is that she forgets that I am the natural mother of 3 men of color. Which she thinks I adopted. Staff and residents have made complaints about her rude and nasty attitude towards them. I guess my question today is do I just ignore her comments about race and pretend she didn't say them, like I do with her fake whimpering and heavy breathing that she doesn't do with other people? Or do I do as I did, and tell her I will not tolerate such language and leave?
Or, only when she starts talking ugly, put on a noise cancelling head phone, not just ear plugs but the ones that look like muffins on your ears so that she can visually see that you are not listening, and do the things that need doing then split. Before you leave you say I love you mom, it's been another great visit. Before I go is there anything you need? See you soon. If see starts up again put on the head phones with a smile and a good-bye.
If she was not saying ugly racial things before then cut her some slack and know that this is the crazy way of a dying brain. Not exactly like those folks suffering Tourette syndrome, who are smart but unable to control there outbursts, your mom's brain is broken.
The story of Twilla is the story of dementia. Twilla would blurt out racist things despite what those around her felt about it. Unknown how much of a factor this was with her daughter, but the daughter lessened visits. Whereas the daughter of the roommate gets on staff’s case about obvious missed showers.
Especially if you are poa, it is your obligation to verify that mom is clean, dressed and fed. You need not have any interaction beyond this if you wish not to.
This will not stop until your mother either loses the ability to speak or she passes.
Leave when she does this . You don’t have to stick around to listen .
My parents kicked me out of the house w/o money as a young woman for falling in love with a POC. I rented a room in someone's house and held down 2 jobs to pay the $200 monthly rent. This was the 70s, when there was little tolerance for interracial couples. We were spit at, cursed and shunned. In our mother's minds, it's still the 70s and we are embarrassments to the family.
I never had a good relationship with my mother (especially) after that, until the day she died at 95. Being ugly and totally unsupportive of one's children due to racial beliefs is unacceptable imo. And they reap what they sow. Little contact with their daughters who they cannot muster up an ounce of respect for, no matter what.
My mother took her ugliness with her to the grave. Which is when I no longer had to listen to ANY MORE of her nonsense. That's when it stops hurting.
That's really sad. The families shoud have respected the couple for the fact that they actually got married and had a family. That it wasn't a baby-daddy/baby-mama set up. How sad because they will miss out on the grandchildren.
You can also pretend you are working, and mom is a job, and you are working for , just any elder that needs help. It does help. You could were the same sort of clothes, that reminds you that , this is a job, to keep your emotions out of it.
You can smile , go into your car and scream. Let it all out!!!
The important thing is to try to let it go , when you leave! Know that you are worthy to be happy! You deserve happiness, no matter how miserable your mom is. This is not your fault. My mom seems to be declining lately, it's not easy to not bring it home. I'm feeling a little down about it tonight. Nothing about this is easy. We are going through some crappy stuff, best thing to do is try your hardest to not worry when you are home. That will eat us alive! 💞💞
if it is on the phone do the same things with the warning if she continues hang up, no good bye just hang up.
I am sure the staff has listened to talk like that and I hope it is ignored. Maybe when you do visit make an extra effort to smooth any "ruffled feathers" or hurt feelings. Greet everyone, bring an occasional treat.
"Holidays" are such minefields. We all see the Hallmark movies and are fed such unrealistic views of family life that we begin to think it is possible to have that and / or somehow we are at fault or "less than" if we don't have that in our lives.
Your mom's views are hers, not yours.
I will say that part of dementia is the dropping of social filters that we put up so that we can live peacefully in society. (Some have better filters than others)
Anyways, personally, demented or not , I think many are smarter than they let on. If you feel you need to say something, say it, see how it goes , how she reacts, but if you feel she truly can't help herself then let it go. I know for a fact my mom can, help herself. So I think you need to do whatever is best for you in your circumstances. I'd never think poorly of anyone stick up after someone says something racist.
Her generation had no filter, or at least that is what I have been exposed to.
Me, I stopped taking her out she was not going to change, I had to change my way of dealing with her.
I think the black rappers had the right idea by making a mockery of this language using it as ebonics in the rap songs.
At my age and coming up during the Civil Rights Movement, old habits of this sort die hard.
I'm trying to be politically correct here. LOL
All jokes aside, this is dementia. Most of us ignore the comments.
My mother does the breathing and whimpering also. That performance usually only for me since I was a child. No one can hyperventilate and be unable to breathe for more than forty years and still be alive. It's a performance. Until I just started ignoring it. You're doing the right thing there. If she doesn't put that particular show on for others, then that's what it is. A show. Blow that nonsense off.
As for the racial slurs and nasty language. It may be possible that your mother enjoys seeing you angry. If she's lowering her voice to make nasty racial comments to you, she's aware of what she is saying. So here's how you handle it.
If she says very quietly to you that she can't stand that (racial slur) you ask her plainly and more importantly LOUDLY to speak up. Tell to not lower her voice. That if she's not ashamed to call people a (racial slur) she shouldn't be ashamed if everyone hears her say it.
I was a caregiver for 25 years to more vicious, nasty, verbally abusive, racist elders than I can remember. I will tell you that in these situations causing a little bit of embarrassment for the person works like a slap in the face.
Years back I was a supervisor at a very nice AL facility. We had one resident who every time I would walk past her she would say, 'There goes that fat b*tch'. I listened to this several times a day for some time and just ignored her. Until one day I didn't. That day when she said it again, I stopped dead in my tracks, rounded on her, got right in her face and said 'What did you call me?' My intent was to stand there with her backed against the wall and make her repeat it. She did not. She got all flustered and started stuttering a bit that she didn't say anything. I told her that I better not ever hear that again from her and I never did. She never said it again and I worked there for about another two years until the place closed.
You call your mother out when she lowers her voice and says racial slurs to you. Don't get angry. Get loud and clear. Embarrass her a little.
You are being hurt by your own expectations, and to me, that's what holidays are all about, whether Christmas or Mom's day. They are ways to show the world that we don't measure up, our KIDS don't measure up, our parents don't measure up, our world is imperfect.
Do as you please, because WHATEVER you do, it will make little difference.
You can say any of these things:
1. "Mom, that is very racist and unpleasant, and that you said it our loud shows that you are no longer well enough to know better"
2. "Geez, Mom, I can't take you ANYWHERE"
3. "Mom, you once knew better than to say every unpleasant thing you think; too bad you don't anymore."
4. "Do you really think so Mom?"
What does it matter WHAT you say to her; it's unlikely she will have a clue what you said tomorrow.
As to her racism I will repeat what an old Irish nurse said to me when I was crying in the hall after seeing someone say something cruel to a fellow nurse who was African American: "Things change one coffin at a time". It is true. Whether or racism, homophobia, or anything else, things change one coffin at a time, and Mom's (like mine) will be popping up any day now.
The fact that the mother lowers her voice so no one else will hear shows that she still possesses enough self-awareness to know it's wrong. That's when a little embarassment and calling her out on it comes in.
It's socially and morally unacceptable for her to speak in this way, but someone with dementia has lost her filters. She won't understand or care if you chide her, chastise her or punish her by walking out. That won't teach her anything because her brain is broken and she can't learn. She can't be trained because after you tell her off and leave, she won't remember it next week and will continue her racist talk until she gets on another loop (that could be even worse).
If you CAN accept all of the above truths about dementia and the way it's affecting your mom, keep going to see her. You don't have to apologize for her. You didn't do anything wrong - she did. She's sick. She's going to get worse. I'm pretty sure the staff at the facility has seen this before.
If you CAN'T accept her symptoms, still take her remarks personally and decide you can't stand it anymore, then stop going. I fully understand why you might wish to avoid her.
You decide.
Yet the mother with dementia is still self-aware enough to lower her voice when she's saying the racial slurs to her daughter. So she knows it's wrong. Maybe embarassing her some in front of others will put the brakes on it a bit.