Just wanted to get this off my chest:
A 75-year old friend of mine is a caregiver to her 94-year old mother. She is exhausted and has her own health-issues. I mentioned this to a friend of mine who then informed me that it was my 75-year old friend’s ‘duty’ to take care of her mother.
I told her that: A.) It’s not uncommon for aging caregivers to pass away before their care recipients out of stress-related conditions; B.) Having had lived experience as a caregiver to my own mother for 10 years (she has now moved to another city closer to my sister), ‘duty’ can keep one stuck in a bad situation for a very long time.
She said nothing to this and quickly changed the topic.
Thoughts?
You obviously had a strong opinion about the duty of caregiving that your friend had not considered. She's living with an assumption. Maybe the next time you see this friend you can have a continuation of that conversation, asking her if her children know they will be assumed into that role.
Had a longtime GF say that her boys were going to take care of her, I said don't bet on it. Her response was, they better. Her one son now has his MIL living with them. I know the wife and doubt she will care for my friend. The other son, he may. This is a friend that never had to care for her parents cause they lived in another state, her sister did it. Don't think she helped at all with her grands other than an occasional babysitting.
People say things they have no experience with.
Your friend may have never considered such an idea before, may be holding out to receive care from their own children, may be steeped in "Theirs not to make reply, / Theirs not to reason why, / Theirs but to do and die"
Women in the US are often relegated to this role and many (most?) accept it w/o a second thought.
You did good Danielle 123.
I agree it is an old notion. And I also agree your friend has probably never cared for anyone before.
You were on the "front lines" and have first hand experience of what comes with being a caregiver. I think you had every right to inform your friend. You handled it well!
She was surprised and possibly did not like hearing the realities that you spoke about .
My mother was the same way , although my mother never did any caregiving , placed her mother in a nursing home .
Hopefully , it was some food for thought for your friend . Glad you tried to educate her .
I learned that I will go into AL or LTC and will not place any caregiving expectations on my only child.
Noone can change others unless they also want to change. Continue to be a friend and jump at any chance to solicit your knowledge when appropriate and back off when you hit the proverbial "brick wall".
Honestly if you want to keep the friendship then be as supportive as possible.
You could give her ideas as to where she might get help.
Local Senior Service Center
If her mom is a Veteran or the husband was she may be entitled to services from the VA (Aid and Attendance might help but it is Means based)
If her mom is able to participate in an Adult Day Program you can tell her about those.
BUT...once you give a suggestion back off.
She needs support not browbeating.