I have been living with my 94-year-old Mom for 10 years now. She does very well for her age. She can shower and do her laundry and make herself something to eat. I am blessed that at her age she is doing so well.
I was recently diagnosed with metastic melanoma. I get my PET Scan in three days. I am already in Immunotherapy.
My Mom was just diagnosed with two squamous cell carcinomas on her back and on her elbow.
I am responsible for the Christmas dinner this year. If I am not well enough, or she is not well enough, how do I tell my brother and his wife and two sons that we just can't do a family dinner. They are expected to do Thanksgiving. We are expected to do Christmas.
It will break my Mom's heart not to have Christmas at our house but it may be a bit for me to have to clean and cook for the family. And, hopefully, her own skin cancer diagnosis will not be an impact on her health.
I am really worried about this. I just hope my PET Scan will not reveal additional cancer in my body and I hope that the squamous cell cancer found in my Mom will not be a huge concern.
Anyway, How can I explain to my Mother that we will not be hosting a Christmas dinner if it is too much for me. She can't help. It will crush her. She always says she wants to cook and prepare but she can't. And, how do explain to my brother and his family that I will not be hosting a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner?
I used to love this time of the year. The holidays. Now, it has become a burden.
I honestly prefer it because I don’t have to take anything down either.
Frankly, give me a turkey sandwich and I’ll call it a day.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Get a turkey from Popeyes. They are $60 and already cooked and frozen.
Or order a Thanksgiving spread cooked by your local grocery.
I’m sure your mother might be disappointed but this isn’t your fault. YOU ARE SICK and so is she.
If your mother is well enough to go out, you could make reservations for Christmas dinner at a restaurant. Your brother's family can pay their share.
If that is too expensive, or you or your mother aren't able physically to go out, you can order a fully prepared Christmas dinner from just about any grocery store. It might sound expensive but it really isn't when you consider the cost of buying all the ingredients. You could ask your brother's family to pay half or two-thirds of the cost. Get good quality paper plates, napkins, cups, and colored plastic utensils which will look festive and eliminate the need for dishwashing.
Or ask your brother if you could trade holidays this year. Do the above for dinner -- restaurant or ready-made meal to order -- and then his family can decorate your mother's house, under your direction, as a gift to her.
Do you all exchange Christmas gifts? If so, ask if they will give the gift of a housecleaning session to you and your mother this year.
Please don't work yourself up. The holiday is not a show you're putting on, It's a chance to gather and spend time together.
"They are expected to do Thanksgiving. We are expected to do Christmas." Whose expectations are these?
"If I am not well enough, or she is not well enough, how do I tell my brother and his wife and two sons that we just can't do a family dinner. " Just like this: "Hey, brother dear, I don't know how my treatments are going to be and how I'm going to be feeling, and as such I don't know that I will be feeling up to doing a family Christmas dinner."
This is a conversation you should really have with everyone ASAP. Is your brother (or his family) such a jerk that he hasn't already come to the realization that you might not be up to doing family holidays this year? That if they are really dead set on the "traditional" family celebrations and dinners with all the details that you have done in the past, they might have to take the reins and do them both?
We all (hopefully) get to an age where we just can't physically do what we used to be able to. Accepting that and changing expectations are part of getting older. You guys can still celebrate; it just might not be the same celebration you have done in the past. If you go in with an open mind, you might find you like the "new" celebration as much - if not more so - as the "old" one.
Traditions are all well and good until such a time that they shackle you to the past and allow no discussion to move into the future.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with mom and brother about things. Don't wait until December 24, either, because that's not fair to allow them to believe you can do what you have traditionally done and then you tell them when it's too late to pivot plans that you can't. I would have the conversation, like this weekend, and figure things together so you can still spend some family time together at the holidays.
Wishing you the best of luck setting boundaries with others now and focusing on your own health. Praying for a good outcome for your upcoming PET scan. Scanxiety is real. Remember to breathe.
Due to the cancer treatments I will be unable to host Christmas dinner."
Keep your conversation brief, succinct and to the point. See what they offer up as alternatives.
Make the call now. Don't procrastinate.
You are caring for Mom full time and have been for 10 years. That is a lot.
Maybe this is somethlng your brother could do as his gift for his Mom and for you who has been taking care of Mom.
Perhaps your local grocery store prepares catered holiday meals that can be reheated . I did this one year when I was taking care of my parents and my siblings decided to come when it was not a good time for me to host . They weren’t really happy that I didn’t cook , but oh well.
If you feel up to it, you could order a whole Christmas dinner from your local supermarket. I've done this and it was wonderful. They cook the turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, cranberry sauce, gravy and dessert. Or a ham dinner. A family member picked this up at the store; it all came in a cardboard box and there were leftoves for the next day. All I had to do was the table and cleanup, but you can request beforehand that brother and family do that as a Christmas present for you and mom.
Or, go out to a restaurant.
I've learned to dislike the holidays lately. It's a one-woman show, and it's no holiday for me if I have to work work work for weeks to make it happen. I empathize! Good luck with your health issues and mom's. Stressing out over something that doesn't need to happen isn't good for you, so chill out and realize that change is necessary when everything is upended with life crises.
Don't even think about doing anything other than getting through your PET scan and immunotherapy. Your Mom will get over it, and so will your brother. You're not responsible for their happiness.
Your mother has had 94 Christmases. I’m sure she could make the sacrifice and do without a big to-do for your sake.
Put yourself first this year for heaven’s sake. Let everyone else figure it out.
Maybe time for brothers sons to start hosting. I am 76 and I have not done a TG meal in years. I do Bob Evans. He supplies everything, me just the crockpots. This year, my daughter is cooking and I bring some of the sides.
I was so excited when I first became the family matriarch, and started hosting Holiday dinners! I loved cooking, and it gave me such joy to have extended family in our home.
Unfortunately, that didn't last very long. Taking care of my husband since his stroke at the age of 53 has consumed my time and energy, leaving me physically depleted, and our family scattered many miles away. They are now creating their own family holiday traditions.
I miss those days, but have learned to do only as much as I am able. When I host dinners for my elderly dad and 3 grandchildren (whose parents are not in their life), I make a big pot of spaghetti and use paper plates.
Actually, I would turn this season over to the family and let them handle it. Going through chemo is no joke and will leave you wiped out. Your health matters more than trying to prepare a meal.
If you and your mother are truly heartbroken to not have Christmas at your house, then plan a simpler meal. You can buy an entire cooked dinner from many restaurants, caterers, and even grocery stores, delivered. Google it now and check out your options. If that is too much cost or won't give you what you are expecting, try something new and different - put a frozen lasagna in the oven, buy a packaged salad, have your guests bring an appetizer, and use paper plates.
You can still love this time of year. Focus on the gathering of family around a shared meal and experience. It doesn't have to be a burden. And, it doesn't have to be the same meal you've prepared for the last 50 years.
You and your mother have more important things to put your energy into than cooking a huge feast for a crowd!
"I was recently diagnosed with metastic melanoma. I get my PET Scan in three days. I am already in Immunotherapy. Mom was just diagnosed with two squamous cell carcinomas on her back and on her elbow.
Neither one of us is able to take on preparing / hosting a holiday meal.
We will need to make other arrangements this year. Let's talk about how to proceed."
In other words. Be direct. If they have a compassionate bone(s) in their body, they will step up with support (to you and your mother) and figure out a way to find some joy as a family without the dinner being the main event.
OR
Order a dinner and have it delivered.
Whole Foods makes very nice full meals.
Tell your mom that you aren't feeling well and will need to xxx (order a prepared dinner for the family), or bro/wife step in to help as they can.
Your mom may be disappointed and expect her to be.
I am sure you are disappointed, too.
Be honest with her:
"you aren't up to preparing a full meal and I cannot help you now with my medical situation. I don't have the energy to do it."
This is a time - the time - for your family to support YOU, and your mother.
Gena / Touch Matters