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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Hello everyone. I’ve spent countless hours reading through articles on this forum. I have found this community to be exceptionally knowledgeable, helpful and simply a good group of folks. As a first time poster, I’m hoping you might be able to offer me some advice. I’ve updated my profile with details about my situation but will also include a summary here. I grew up in a narcissistic family. Mom (75) is a covert malignant narcissist. Dad (86) is the kinder of the two, but the Enabler, always defending my mother to keep the peace. My Golden-Child (possibly a covert narc) sister (50) is a Mooch - talented, smart, capable, but a mooch. In fact, she’s been mooching off the family for most of her adult life. I got sucked into her woe is me act for 14 years and finally cut her off financially. This is key because it ties in with the issue. My parents have made a lifetime of bad financial decisions. Neither me nor my sister are POA (I am not throwing my hand up for this role, nor do I want it). My parents don’t have much savings, if any. They live on SS and live in a house that is falling apart. Over the years, I’ve offered to buy them a house, twice, make numerous repairs, set up an investment account for them for their ‘elder care,’ offered up long-term healthcare insurance and the list goes on and on. My mom takes any offer of help or any kind gesture and weaponizes it against me so I’ve finally just decided to quit putting my face in front of her foot. So, here they are, little to no money, a busted house, no longterm healthcare insurance and now, my Dad is having health issues, specifically with walking. After a full MRI and some research, it appears that he’s got Vascular Parkinsonism. He’s had chronic high BP and high Blood Sugar for years. I’m fairly certain the High BP is directly caused by my mother but I digress. I learned that these two things can lead to the VP but we won’t have an official diagnosis until next month (September 2026). Unfortunately, my mooching sister will likely impact getting Medicaid for my Dad when they do their 5-year look-back audit, at least, that is what I understand. This means getting in-home care will be delayed based on the penalties unless I cover the costs. My mother has stated that she refuses to do any caregiving for my father which is infuriating since he’s taken care of her for most of her life. She refuses to leave the house and won’t drive even though she CAN drive. My parents are about a 30-minute drive from me and my sister so we are close. After reading many stories about caregiving, I’ve decided I won’t be moving my father or my mother into my house, not ever. I’m not keen on showing up for two people who weren’t there for me and I’m at peace with this decision. I don’t mind covering some of the costs for my father but I realize that this can get very expensive. That said, my husband and I are both retired, no kids. We’ve worked hard to save up a nest egg which includes funds for our own elder care. I don’t want to burn through our savings to financially support either of my parents. My sister is no help so I’m the only one who can afford it. At this point, my Dad can shuffle around the house but since this is progressive, I know he will get to a point where he can’t move. He’s got full cognitive function so that is good. I’m thinking ‘in-home’ help is what will be needed in the near future. What are some of my options to cover the costs? Is it too late to pay for long-term healthcare insurance for him? Are there other options outside of Medicaid? Has anyone else run into this kind of situation? I would love some advice. Thank you!
Forget long-term health insurance (and it's probably too late for dad to get it anyway). There would be premiums, and companies aren't all that good at paying out. The insurance company is the middleman and makes money by investing your money (the premiums) for years. You get sick and they stall paying for your health care. Then if you die after receiving only part or none of the payout due you, they keep your money and continue to make money on it. I posted about this on this site recently. You're better off to save a nest egg for health care, and then you, rather than the insurance company, make all the money from investing it.
But I digress. I'm glad you're not going to move your parents into your home. It rarely works well, and it would turn you into their care slave for the duration. The home care option is much more expensive than facility care, and it's difficult to manage. That would fall on you, and it's a full-time job. You need that like a hole in your head! Just NO.
The best plan is to sell their rundown house and get what you can for it. The money from the house pays for a facility where there's specialized care for each of them. A team of professionals handles every need. Parents can be there together - or not. The facility provides transportation for them as well as an onsite medical team, meals, entertainment, a social life, etc. Best of all, your involvement with this dysfunctional mess would be lessened. Your sister would not be involved. The house is off everyone's hands. You visit parents when and if you want.
Start looking at facilities. My husband is in one (dementia), and it's the best place he could possibly be. Professionals know how to handle all types of people, and that makes a big difference. It would be especially beneficial for parents like yours.
Thank you for the excellent advice. Duly noted regarding the insurance. I wish they would have let me cover that cost 10 years ago but you know the old saying, wish in one hand and… Anyway, selling the house is exactly what I was considering. The only challenge is getting my mom to sell the house. I’m absolutely certain she would be happy to let my Dad go into a facility and stay in the house by herself. I can’t even begin to tell you how selfish and hateful this woman is and the way she treats my father. It’s abhorrent. Since she’s only 75, she could have many more years to go. I will definitely keep this in mind though. Thank you for taking the time to share. Wishing you a great evening!
LTC insurance is not viable, dad is too old, it would be crazy expensive with too little benefit vs cost. I’m glad you’re wise to knowing you shouldn’t move your parents into your home. Would dad agree to living separately from mom, given his many years of enabling and defending her? Remember, he’s chosen to stay with her for many years, there is either something he likes or a resignation to staying. If he’d live separately, an appropriate level of assisted living would be great, if you can and want to foot the bill for that. Or he could run through whatever assets he has, suck up whatever penalty Medicaid might impose, and get care that way. I’d strongly bet your mother would run off any in home caregivers that were hired. Seems she’s the queen of the castle type, and having helpers in her home might not go to her liking. As good as your intentions are, it’s actually very kind of you given the history, you may have to accept some sad realities about trying to help. Protecting yourself is always wise. I wish you peace
Hi, Georgia Peach. Wow, that's a lot. I think it would be a mistake for you to start financially supporting your parent's care. They are grown adults who have made their own decisions, even if it's not what you would agree with. Their dysfunctional relationship and dysfunctional life is not your problem to solve. I'm so sorry this is causing you any kind of distress or worry. You couldn't solve their problems before and you can't solve it now that it has gotten worse for them. Your help was rejected, and now, here they are. They will have to figure it out. It may not be comfortable for them. It may be difficult for you to see them go through this. Your sister could maybe help. Haha, just kidding. You've done well to save up and plan for your own retirement and elder care. It is not fair to your husband to lose his nest egg and future comfort because you feel compelled to give it to your father. And, if you start giving, there will be no end to it. You will be drained dry, financially and emotionally.
It has been advised in this forum that the parent's house should be sold to pay for their stay in long term care. But, I don't think you have any power to make that happen. Let them apply for Medicaid, or try to make it on their own, and accept the consequences whatever they may be.
“You've done well to save up and plan for your own retirement and elder care. It is not fair to your husband to lose his nest egg and future comfort because you feel compelled to give it to your father. And, if you start giving, there will be no end to it.”
So glad to hear you’ve taken moving them in with you off the table. Good for you! So often on this forum we read of kind, thoughtful, conscientious adult children who grew up in dysfunctional families with difficult, neglectful, absent or just plain abusive parents trying to move heaven and earth for said parents in a futile attempt to make them happy and perhaps also finally obtain the love and approval that was withheld during their childhood. I’m so glad you have insight into the dynamics going on here. That should serve you well as you try to assist them as possible.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
But I digress. I'm glad you're not going to move your parents into your home. It rarely works well, and it would turn you into their care slave for the duration. The home care option is much more expensive than facility care, and it's difficult to manage. That would fall on you, and it's a full-time job. You need that like a hole in your head! Just NO.
The best plan is to sell their rundown house and get what you can for it. The money from the house pays for a facility where there's specialized care for each of them. A team of professionals handles every need. Parents can be there together - or not. The facility provides transportation for them as well as an onsite medical team, meals, entertainment, a social life, etc. Best of all, your involvement with this dysfunctional mess would be lessened. Your sister would not be involved. The house is off everyone's hands. You visit parents when and if you want.
Start looking at facilities. My husband is in one (dementia), and it's the best place he could possibly be. Professionals know how to handle all types of people, and that makes a big difference. It would be especially beneficial for parents like yours.
Good luck, and I wish you the best.
Thank you for the excellent advice. Duly noted regarding the insurance. I wish they would have let me cover that cost 10 years ago but you know the old saying, wish in one hand and… Anyway, selling the house is exactly what I was considering. The only challenge is getting my mom to sell the house. I’m absolutely certain she would be happy to let my Dad go into a facility and stay in the house by herself. I can’t even begin to tell you how selfish and hateful this woman is and the way she treats my father. It’s abhorrent. Since she’s only 75, she could have many more years to go. I will definitely keep this in mind though. Thank you for taking the time to share. Wishing you a great evening!
Wow, that's a lot.
I think it would be a mistake for you to start financially supporting your parent's care. They are grown adults who have made their own decisions, even if it's not what you would agree with. Their dysfunctional relationship and dysfunctional life is not your problem to solve. I'm so sorry this is causing you any kind of distress or worry. You couldn't solve their problems before and you can't solve it now that it has gotten worse for them. Your help was rejected, and now, here they are.
They will have to figure it out. It may not be comfortable for them. It may be difficult for you to see them go through this. Your sister could maybe help. Haha, just kidding.
You've done well to save up and plan for your own retirement and elder care. It is not fair to your husband to lose his nest egg and future comfort because you feel compelled to give it to your father. And, if you start giving, there will be no end to it. You will be drained dry, financially and emotionally.
It has been advised in this forum that the parent's house should be sold to pay for their stay in long term care. But, I don't think you have any power to make that happen. Let them apply for Medicaid, or try to make it on their own, and accept the consequences whatever they may be.
💯
So glad to hear you’ve taken moving them in with you off the table. Good for you! So often on this forum we read of kind, thoughtful, conscientious adult children who grew up in dysfunctional families with difficult, neglectful, absent or just plain abusive parents trying to move heaven and earth for said parents in a futile attempt to make them happy and perhaps also finally obtain the love and approval that was withheld during their childhood. I’m so glad you have insight into the dynamics going on here. That should serve you well as you try to assist them as possible.