I’m hoping this will ring true for others in this group, because honestly, I’ve read some of the posts here and felt more seen by people in these forums than I have by some of my own family.When I was around 25, my parents started having major financial problems. My dad eventually declared bankruptcy, their business failed, and they lost the home they had raised us in. At the time, I was still living with them and had spent years dealing with my mom’s depression, my dad’s drug abuse and other issues, and being the person caught in the middle of their blowups and crises. I became the one who helped pick up the pieces.I helped them sell their belongings, move, handle problems, and generally do whatever needed to be done. Eventually they moved to Virginia to be closer to my sister. I kept helping, but eventually I got a job, moved out, and met my now-fiancée. There was always a little resentment from my parents when I stopped being as available, and if I’m being honest, I’ve carried a lot of guilt about it ever since.Fast forward to now: they’re both 70 and disabled. My fiancée and I recently moved to the Pacific Northwest—a dream I had wanted to pursue for a long time. Before I left, I promised I would still be there for them, and I meant it.A month after moving, I went back and lived with them for two months, essentially becoming their full-time caregiver. It took a huge financial and emotional toll on me. When they eventually found a place, my fiancée and I moved in with them temporarily too. Between flights, food, movers, packers, and everything else, we spent a significant amount of money helping them get settled. My sister was helping too. I’ve also taken on roughly $500 a month of their expenses because my dad can no longer work.Eventually, all of us worked together to get them into a low-income apartment closer to my sister. We did it. We got them moved, settled, and somewhere they could afford.And yet…I feel guilty.I’ve spent so much of my life being the rock for my parents that choosing my own life at 37 feels almost selfish. I finally followed my heart and moved across the country with the person I love, and part of me still feels like I’m abandoning them.The hardest part is that they seem so helpless now. Things that seem incredibly small or manageable to me can feel overwhelming to them, and I constantly find myself thinking, “If I’m not there, who is going to do this?”But I’m starting to realize that maybe that question is part of the problem.I love my parents. I’ll continue helping them. But I don’t know how to stop feeling responsible for everything.I’ve been the rock for so long that I don’t even know what it feels like to put myself first without feeling guilty.I’d really love to hear from anyone who has felt this way—especially those who have spent years being the “responsible one” in their family. How do you learn to care about your parents without feeling like you have to sacrifice your entire life for them?
I understand that your parents are disabled, and that's too bad. But social workers exist to help them. You didn't say what the disabilities are, but OTs and PTs can come to their home and show them ways to look after themselves. It's not your job to set that up; let them do it. Stay far away, call once a week, refuse to listen to tales of woe, and avoid being co-dependent. I have to think that your fiancee is tired of all the drama surrounding your parents. You're lucky she's still around! Focus on your relationship with her, and enjoy the life that is available to you.
It's my observation that people like your parents find someone else to dump on after the original dumpee goes away. Stand back, watch it unfold, and good luck!
You and your sibling DO NOT owe your parents anything. It's kind that you help them out but make sure your kindness doesn't turn into enabling their dysfunctional behavior and drug use on the part of your father. Your parents practice a bhavior called 'Learned Helplessness'. This means that like a child they can whine and cry then you or your sibling will fix it. They are capable.
You've gotten them into affordable housing which is very important. They have a roof over their heads. Now, let them handle their own lives. You do not have to give them a $500 a month allowance. If they are 70 years old, they are on Medicare. They get Social Security too. If your parents are so deep in their own learned helplessness and dysfunction that they are overwhelmed by even the smallest things, there are people who can take over and help them with all of these things. They are called social workers. If they are living in low-income housing, your sister can inquire with the Housing Authority where they live about getting them a social worker and they will point her in the right direction.
You have done enough for them. You're 37 years old and it's time for you to live your life. You did great fulfilling your dream of moving to the Pacific Northwest. That's fantastic. It's time for you to stop being the parent to your parents. It's time for them to grow up now and take some responsibility for themselves and their life. They have each other and they aren't that old. They can do it with the help of a social worker. Good luck to them and you.
There is something called "learned incompetence". It's a behavioral maneuver that is like the Bat signal for Rescuers: they see the feigned "inability" and go charging in. And, as a parent to 3 men in their late 20s to late 30s... how dare your parents do that to you! Wake up! That isn't a normal, loving parental relationship.
Please see a therapist so that you can stop rescuing. You need to identify and learn how to defend clear boundaries with them. And, your poor fiancee... who will always be #2 to your parents. If she burns out she won't be your fiancee (or wife) for long. There are plenty of those posts on this forum, too.
Did they orbit around their parents like you are doing for them? I bet not.
You are too young to be orbiting around capable adults. You will need to start saying "no" to them, and adjust your promise to help them. Help, not enable. The difference is that helping is doing something for them that they absolutely cannot (not will not) do for themselves. Enabling is doing for them things that they CAN do for themselves (albeit in a messy, train-wreck-y kind of way). They will learn. They are adults and millions of other drug addicts and depressed adults have figured it out. They will, too -- if you let them.
I wish you all the best on your journey of the beginning of your life. You are not feeling guilt, you are feeling grief for the position they put you in that you didn't deserve. May you receive great wisdom and peace in your heart as you live the rest of your life for yourself, and make you, your fiancee and any future children your #1 priority, not your parents.