Kind of lengthy (my apologies). I’m 28 (almost 29) and I have been living with my grandmother for almost 18 years (I’m one of her grandsons). My grandmother had a stroke 25 years ago & it left her somewhat limited. She can still take care of some household “chores”, but she is now 80 years old and has slowed down a little bit more.
My story now turns to these past few months, my sister has moved back in town and wants me to move into an apartment with her. I am super conflicted, because even though my grandmother has 5 children, she heavily depends on me regarding some aspects of her care, not only that but always looks to me to carry her to every single doctor’s appointment. Meanwhile, her children are only focused on their lives and I feel stuck in some regard.
I really want to move out and start living a bit more, but I sometimes have this uneasy feeling about life outside of the norm. On top of that, anytime I would ever talk about moving out of the home, she would get quiet and veer the subject into another direction. I feel like I am in a hard position, because one I want to enjoy a small portion of my life, but on the other hand…I feel like she would be somewhat lost without me being there, especially in her “later years”.
Additional detail: The place that my sister & I are looking at is about 45 minutes away from the family home. Any help or assistance would be greatly appreciated.
I'm guessing her selfish adult children are all middle-aged and enjoying their own lives. They have you living there to make that happen. You have lived with Grandma 18 years, since you were a 10 year old boy? How and why did that happen? A young boy living with a post-stroke woman in her 60s? Where were your parents?
Time to leave this nest! You are wasting time you will never get back. Grandma has had a free caregiver for 10 years, especially by the time you became a legal adult at 18. Of course she is disturbed by any mention of you leaving. She would have to rely on her children she can't count on.
She's had 80 years of a long life. Hers will be winding down soon, and yours should be in high gear for the next 30 years! You are obviously unselfish and caring, so are conflicted over moving out. But seriously, the time you stay with Grandma is time you will never get back.
I'm amazed your own family hasn't tried to get you out of Grandma's house years earlier. How will you have any kind of future? Grandma is also being very selfish by expecting a young man of 28 to stay with her like this. It's not a normal situation, and you really need to move out and get your own life going!
You can still stay in contact, but you are being sacrificed by her adult kids. You have had time to earn and save up plenty to get out in the world. Do you pay Grandma monthly rent to live there? Pay for your food and utilities? Did you have the chance to go to college, or have a decent job?
Grandma doesn't "own" you like a pet. You are a grown man at 28. It would be wise to start acting like one, and plan your future.
There's another way too. Your grandmother gives you her house now while she's still of sound mind and you move your sister in there and the three of you live together. Though you must take into consideration that at some point your grandmother may need full-time help or have to go into a care facility. You have to plan for this as well.
You and your grandmother have to sit down and have a serious discussion without her getting quiet, avoiding the subject, or guilt-tripping you. Then there needs to be some actions taken like putting her property into a Lifetime Trust for you. This means that you will not technically own the place, but will have lifetime use of it for as long as you wish and no one else gets any say. Then when and if you want to sell, that is when her children or other heirs get whatever share she leaves in her Will.
If she did this not only would you get to stay in the house, you could move your sister in. When grandmother passes, you can also use the home as a rental property while you collect the proceeds and live somewhere else. Your grandmother must be made to understand that you cannot remain being her caregiver unless she makes some legal arrangements for you.
Too many times our elderly 'loved ones' are of the belief that a family member can just serve them until they die. Then the day after the funeral they get a good job, a nice home, a savings account, a whole other life just magically materializes. It doesn't.
If your grandmother wants you to remain with her, she will have to make legal arrangements that make you her sole heir.
What grandmother decides then for HER OWN LIFE is up to her. I am 83. I have a grandson just a year younger than you. I would be appalled to be taking up his time and his life in this manner when he is at the begging of his life, learning the life lessons WE ARE MEANT TO LEARN in the twenties.
As to an uneasy feeling? Yeah. Most "changes" we make in life bring that uneasiness about (or even abject FEAR). That's the nature of keeping on the easy path. Even when the path is a swampy mess, it is the "known", and nothing makes humans so afraid as the unknown.
You haven't been wise in staying with Grandmother. This is a joint dependency really, and you are not growing up as long as you live with family in this manner. I would say this if you were still living with your parents as well.
The trajectory for your grandmother now is downhill, and it's very likely to be a slow slide. She will become weaker and more needy. WHAT IS DONE ABOUT THIS FACT ISN'T YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, and has nothing to do with you. It is her business whether she enters care or hires in care. If family is needed that is her own children, not her GRANDchildren. Asking or expecting a grandchild to throw his or her own life on the burning funeral pyre of an elder? Well, let me just warn you as you make this decision, it is a SLOW BURN. She will die as you enter your forties most likely.
I always tell children and grandchildren that the best place for them is 1,000 miles away from an elder. But I will have to be satisfied with 45 minutes, and hope that you stay where your new home is for the most part.
You are young. But your grandmother is old enough to know better. But if you maintain this current situation, in all truth, I blame you both for the waste and want it will create.
The five children are only focused on their own lives because you've enabled them to, and they have taken advantage of you. Send an email to all five of them saying that you will be moving out on x date, and they will need to make a plan for Grandma/Mom. DO NOT let them guilt-trip you into staying.
You can use the email to list any specific needs that you take care of, that they will need to know about, such as a list of her doctors, with the goal of turning over essential information to whoever steps up to take on the various aspects of care.
Who handles her finances? Does she take care of them herself, or do you do it, or does another family member? If it's you, don't share any financial details. Let Grandma choose who should take over that chore, and then only turn the info and access in an in-person meeting, with Grandma present, that the other children (your parents/aunts/uncles) know about, in case they want to ask permission from Grandma to attend.
If none of them volunteer to put together a plan and help, let them know that you'll be contacting Adult Protective Services on a specific date, and giving APS all of their contact info so that APS can work with them on a plan.
It's fortunate that Grandma is in the family home, because if necessary it can be sold to pay for her to go to assisted living. If anyone tries to guilt-trip you into staying because "Grandma can't afford any help other than your free servitude," point out that they have that option.
Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised when the older generation thanks you for your devotion to Grandma and wishes you well as you leave the nest. But even if they don't, stay firm and leave on the necessary date.
We're rooting for you. Let us know how things go.
if you were raised by her, I do understand the filial bond, but it isn’t that of a mother and child. Most of us in this situation are late middle age to old, unlike you. A nest egg built starting in one’s thirties is crucial to any kind of retirement, and your own greedy mom and the rest of them know this.
It sounds like you love your grandmother very much and you deserve the love, respect, and appreciation from your extended family now. It is time to live your life.
Have a chat with family, including grandma about this transition. It is time for others to step up and provide care or the financial assistance needed to bring in care for her.
As the sole care provider of both my parents, I would have loved it if just one other family member helped…at all!!! You are a gem!
I wish you the very best.