Kind of lengthy (my apologies). I’m 28 (almost 29) and I have been living with my grandmother for almost 18 years (I’m one of her grandsons). My grandmother had a stroke 25 years ago & it left her somewhat limited. She can still take care of some household “chores”, but she is now 80 years old and has slowed down a little bit more.
My story now turns to these past few months, my sister has moved back in town and wants me to move into an apartment with her. I am super conflicted, because even though my grandmother has 5 children, she heavily depends on me regarding some aspects of her care, not only that but always looks to me to carry her to every single doctor’s appointment. Meanwhile, her children are only focused on their lives and I feel stuck in some regard.
I really want to move out and start living a bit more, but I sometimes have this uneasy feeling about life outside of the norm. On top of that, anytime I would ever talk about moving out of the home, she would get quiet and veer the subject into another direction. I feel like I am in a hard position, because one I want to enjoy a small portion of my life, but on the other hand…I feel like she would be somewhat lost without me being there, especially in her “later years”.
Additional detail: The place that my sister & I are looking at is about 45 minutes away from the family home. Any help or assistance would be greatly appreciated.
However, you were very VERY young when you started this 'work' / grandma commitment and it is now time for you to get to know yourself and experience your life to the fullest.
You are entitled to enjoy more than a "small portion of my life, ... "
Realize that changing how you feel about yourself and the relationship / time commitment with grandma will be emotionally difficult and with conflicting emotions. Know that with time you will adjust - and you aren't going to leave her 'high and dry.'
Yes, of course, she changes the subject when you start to discuss this. She doesn't want you to leave. She is sad, scared and wants the relationship / situation to remain the same. This is a very natural response from her. Letting go / change is hard, esp as one ages and is more dependent on others.
That you grandma has five children, it is time for them to step up to the plate. You are perhaps targeted (for care) because the others back away and you do not. Tell your grandma that other family members need to help out more as its time for you to learn who you are - and explore the world. You say this however you want and need; be honest. It ISN'T selfish to want to live your best life. You have given 110% to grandma.
Expect to feel 'super conflicted' - this is a huge move (mentally and physically) for you. You deserve your own life and to find out who you are - you are still so very young.
Grandma needs to enlist her other children and/or get caregivers.
This is her responsibility, not yours.
It will be an emotionally difficult transitions for all concerned. However, YOU need to do what your heart wants you to do. Find you and be in the world.
If you need, get into therapy to process through it all.
If a social worker or professional in elder care is available, have a facilitated family meeting. This responsibility shouldn't be 100% on you - and perhaps never should have been.
It is up to you to change; your grandma wants things to remain the same.
Gena / Touch Matters
That was how I was able to reclaim my life without her feeling like I was abandoning her. It isn’t easy to take back your life but it is worth it!
I'm happy you have been there for your grandmother and have taken care of her. That takes a special kind of person.
But, I hope you have not sacrificed relationships and work experience. At your age, those are both very important for you to grow and develop a life of your own.
I agree that it is time to step out of your comfort zone, and let Grandma find another solution for her needs. You can still be a part of her life while developing your own. Her grown children may not do anything for her. That is not your problem to resolve. She can hire help or move to a care home.
If you feel drawn to this as a line of work, we really could use more qualified caregivers, and CNA's and nurses. Unless you already have another career direction in mind, consider doing this as a job, and continuing your education in this field. You could even use your job as a paid care provider to help care for your grandmother, if that appeals to you.
Your grandmother has been great for you and you have been great for her. It is time now to move forward and start a life of independence and discover yourself.
1) Your (probably correct) feeling that GM ‘would be somewhat lost without me being there’.
2) Your sister’s proposal for you to ‘move in with her’.
3) Your ‘uneasy feeling about life outside the norm’.
1) You have a clear choice here about living with Grandma. . You dedicate the next 20 years pf your life to GM, or you sort out a different path for her and for yourself. GM ‘heavily depends on me’, and of course she ‘veers any discussion about it in another direction’. If you want your own life, the answer is for you to research other options for her, take her to have a look at them, and set a time frame for you to stop being her carer. You have to accept that she won’t like it.
2) Why does your sister want you to move in with her? Money? At least that’s on the level. Nothing else is a good idea. Sis, like you, needs an independent life.
3) Your ‘uneasy feeling’ got star billing as the head topic. Your own life NOW is ‘outside the norm’. Few men in the late 20s have been a major support to a grandmother for 18 years. This is one thing that might be worth seeing a counselor about - not something I usually go for, but this is really odd.
You took quite a big step in writing all this out. Don’t stop now!
It sounds like you love your grandmother very much and you deserve the love, respect, and appreciation from your extended family now. It is time to live your life.
Have a chat with family, including grandma about this transition. It is time for others to step up and provide care or the financial assistance needed to bring in care for her.
As the sole care provider of both my parents, I would have loved it if just one other family member helped…at all!!! You are a gem!
I wish you the very best.
in time you will see what’s best for you
Ignore the subtle guilt trips and avoidance games
youre not here to live someone else’s life
you can help but you haven’t sacrificed yourself and your life totally
you deserve a life as well
best,
There's another way too. Your grandmother gives you her house now while she's still of sound mind and you move your sister in there and the three of you live together. Though you must take into consideration that at some point your grandmother may need full-time help or have to go into a care facility. You have to plan for this as well.
You and your grandmother have to sit down and have a serious discussion without her getting quiet, avoiding the subject, or guilt-tripping you. Then there needs to be some actions taken like putting her property into a Lifetime Trust for you. This means that you will not technically own the place, but will have lifetime use of it for as long as you wish and no one else gets any say. Then when and if you want to sell, that is when her children or other heirs get whatever share she leaves in her Will.
If she did this not only would you get to stay in the house, you could move your sister in. When grandmother passes, you can also use the home as a rental property while you collect the proceeds and live somewhere else. Your grandmother must be made to understand that you cannot remain being her caregiver unless she makes some legal arrangements for you.
Too many times our elderly 'loved ones' are of the belief that a family member can just serve them until they die. Then the day after the funeral they get a good job, a nice home, a savings account, a whole other life just magically materializes. It doesn't.
If your grandmother wants you to remain with her, she will have to make legal arrangements that make you her sole heir.
What grandmother decides then for HER OWN LIFE is up to her. I am 83. I have a grandson just a year younger than you. I would be appalled to be taking up his time and his life in this manner when he is at the begging of his life, learning the life lessons WE ARE MEANT TO LEARN in the twenties.
As to an uneasy feeling? Yeah. Most "changes" we make in life bring that uneasiness about (or even abject FEAR). That's the nature of keeping on the easy path. Even when the path is a swampy mess, it is the "known", and nothing makes humans so afraid as the unknown.
You haven't been wise in staying with Grandmother. This is a joint dependency really, and you are not growing up as long as you live with family in this manner. I would say this if you were still living with your parents as well.
The trajectory for your grandmother now is downhill, and it's very likely to be a slow slide. She will become weaker and more needy. WHAT IS DONE ABOUT THIS FACT ISN'T YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, and has nothing to do with you. It is her business whether she enters care or hires in care. If family is needed that is her own children, not her GRANDchildren. Asking or expecting a grandchild to throw his or her own life on the burning funeral pyre of an elder? Well, let me just warn you as you make this decision, it is a SLOW BURN. She will die as you enter your forties most likely.
I always tell children and grandchildren that the best place for them is 1,000 miles away from an elder. But I will have to be satisfied with 45 minutes, and hope that you stay where your new home is for the most part.
You are young. But your grandmother is old enough to know better. But if you maintain this current situation, in all truth, I blame you both for the waste and want it will create.
I am going to let you in on a secret.
Life is scary
Life is exciting
And it is funny that these 2 emotions feel almost the same.
You get that fluttery, funny feeling in your gut.
It is you that decides if you are going to put the right name on the feeling.
(It is kinda like the Wolf story if you have ever heard that)
If you think no one will step in and help grandma out what you might want to do is contact a local Senior Service Center and talk to a Social Worker and let them know about your grandma, what you are doing for her and that you will be moving out and you are concerned that other family members may not step in to help and you would like a "well being check".
I am sure that you have not been made POA legally and you are caring for her and talking her to appointments because you care. But that does not make you legally responsible.
And I am sure you are not getting paid as her caregiver either. (you should be. )
The five children are only focused on their own lives because you've enabled them to, and they have taken advantage of you. Send an email to all five of them saying that you will be moving out on x date, and they will need to make a plan for Grandma/Mom. DO NOT let them guilt-trip you into staying.
You can use the email to list any specific needs that you take care of, that they will need to know about, such as a list of her doctors, with the goal of turning over essential information to whoever steps up to take on the various aspects of care.
Who handles her finances? Does she take care of them herself, or do you do it, or does another family member? If it's you, don't share any financial details. Let Grandma choose who should take over that chore, and then only turn the info and access in an in-person meeting, with Grandma present, that the other children (your parents/aunts/uncles) know about, in case they want to ask permission from Grandma to attend.
If none of them volunteer to put together a plan and help, let them know that you'll be contacting Adult Protective Services on a specific date, and giving APS all of their contact info so that APS can work with them on a plan.
It's fortunate that Grandma is in the family home, because if necessary it can be sold to pay for her to go to assisted living. If anyone tries to guilt-trip you into staying because "Grandma can't afford any help other than your free servitude," point out that they have that option.
Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised when the older generation thanks you for your devotion to Grandma and wishes you well as you leave the nest. But even if they don't, stay firm and leave on the necessary date.
We're rooting for you. Let us know how things go.
I'm guessing her selfish adult children are all middle-aged and enjoying their own lives. They have you living there to make that happen. You have lived with Grandma 18 years, since you were a 10 year old boy? How and why did that happen? A young boy living with a post-stroke woman in her 60s? Where were your parents?
Time to leave this nest! You are wasting time you will never get back. Grandma has had a free caregiver for 10 years, especially by the time you became a legal adult at 18. Of course she is disturbed by any mention of you leaving. She would have to rely on her children she can't count on.
She's had 80 years of a long life. Hers will be winding down soon, and yours should be in high gear for the next 30 years! You are obviously unselfish and caring, so are conflicted over moving out. But seriously, the time you stay with Grandma is time you will never get back.
I'm amazed your own family hasn't tried to get you out of Grandma's house years earlier. How will you have any kind of future? Grandma is also being very selfish by expecting a young man of 28 to stay with her like this. It's not a normal situation, and you really need to move out and get your own life going!
You can still stay in contact, but you are being sacrificed by her adult kids. You have had time to earn and save up plenty to get out in the world. Do you pay Grandma monthly rent to live there? Pay for your food and utilities? Did you have the chance to go to college, or have a decent job?
Grandma doesn't "own" you like a pet. You are a grown man at 28. It would be wise to start acting like one, and plan your future.
if you were raised by her, I do understand the filial bond, but it isn’t that of a mother and child. Most of us in this situation are late middle age to old, unlike you. A nest egg built starting in one’s thirties is crucial to any kind of retirement, and your own greedy mom and the rest of them know this.