Hi everyone,
I want to be prepared just in case. Long story short, my mother is at the end stage of death. I live 3 hours away and my brother about 2 hours. My sister lives minutes away and has POA which is strange in itself, considering my mother had a live in boyfriend for 28 years but that's another story.
I was estranged from my mother for years (lived overseas) but we reconnected and I actually came down a couple of months ago at the request of my sister. However, my sister with zero justification despises me and my brother. She has made wild accusations that are simply bizarre and done terrible things out of pure spite. I've never seen such hatefulness. I had no idea she was so damaged.
My mother really enjoyed my visits and one time after leaving her, she called me in the car while my husband was driving and told me how much she really enjoyed my visit. She fell in her home and my sister put her in an assisted living and now she is in memory care but pretty out of it. She deteroriated rapidly. Of course, she didn't consult anyone and since I have a lot of experience with this (I'm a RN), I would have seen what other resources were out there before automatically throwing her in an assisted living. She was so depressed and the whole thing was sad. I felt sorry for her but my sister's hatefulness prevented me from even talking to her about the situation.
After one of these visits, two days later I called the facility to simply ask how my mom was doing and I was told to contact the POA. This is because my sister got angry at me for trying to get some help on a uti and the fact that my mother was calling me confused several times and it escalated via text to the point that she said I'm going tomorrow and making sure you get zero information about her. You have no authority. Well she obviously did since I called to make a simple inquiry and I was told to contact the POA. I should have got my mother to write something when she was cognizant because she was perfectly fine with me helping her in the medical aspect. In fact, it would have made the most sense since I was the nurse manager of a brand new one years ago.
I just visited last week and as I said, my mother was out of it, just rolling around in the bed. I don't trust my sister. I'm visiting this weekend again. If on the off chance the facility tells me I can't see her because my sister said so, I want to know what my options are. I don't have time to fool around with this because we are talking days. If this occurs, could I call APS?
The whole thing is depressing because nothing is being done for the good of my mother, but simply to spite me and my brother. She has been taking care of basic needs so can't really do anything about that but she just wants us to suffer for the imagined injustices she thinks we did to her.
Thank you,
But stop thinking that nothing is being done for the good of your mother. Memory care doesn't just take anyone in. The staff evaluates the senior and legally has to certify that their facility is appropriate for the person's needs. It's also expensive. She would not be there just because your sister wants to stick it to you and your brother.
Or maybe your sister really is unreasonably spiteful, petty, and vindictive, objectively speaking. Maybe you had very good reasons to be estranged from your mother. I'm glad you were able to reconnect with your mother on positive terms before she passes away.
Since the urgent goal now is to see your mother in her last days, can you find something in your heart for your sister? Text her and apologize for how the situation has escalated between the two of you. Thank her for assisting your mother during your years of absence, and for working to find appropriate care for your mother now. Let her know that you would like to be at peace with your siblings now, and visit your mother in her last days so you can share the sorrow together.
Even if it feels hollow to say right now, after your mother's gone you can sort out the relationship with your sister, for good or for bad. Right now give her the benefit of the doubt. I hope you will be able to see your mother and have a proper goodbye with her that brings you comfort. Let us know how it goes.
You are an RN. I am one as well, and am surprised that you--full well knowing the trajectory of your Mom's failure, placement into ALF, need to move to memory care, etc--don't know this is in the hands now of POA/sister and the facility.
You would be ever so much better to throw yourself upon the mercy of sister, to tell her that you will not interfere in care choices, that you beg to be allowed to visit mom with love in this last time, and that you honor sister's position and the care she has rendered all this time: that you will seek information re your mom's condition ONLY through her.
Now. If you wish to go the route that will make your sister (who will remain in charge) hate you all the more? Go ahead. Call APS. Ask for a simple welfare check, and let them know you and sister are estranged and you're worried mom isn't receiving good care.
APS will likely visit, speak with mom and sis and facility, and let you know whether or not they "found a problem, and are opening a case". I think it is likely as hens with teeth that they will; they may not even visit after phone call to Sis and facility; but there you are.
None of us here could ever judge a family situation we have ZERO history of. But you were estranged from your family.
Usually, when dogs join or rejoin a pack it is with their tails tucked well under their hind legs.
This indicates to the pack that they mean no harm, will willingly accept the scraps and will be subordinate to all until they EARN their position back. It's amazing to me how much we resemble, or SHOULD resemble the pack animals. For the well- being of the pack is dependent on structure learned over ions of time.
Good luck. I would have my own tail stuck well under my hind legs, but then, that's ME. To me, the only question --had I made choice to try to reconnect with those I was estranged from (I assume in your case with good reason)-- would be access to my mom as she lies dying, so that I can hope forgiveness and healing will bring her peace while it brings peace to myself.
You can call APS and let them evaluate the situation. At least you will have peace of mind. Maybe Mom is ready for Hospice.
I hope these comments help you wake up a bit. Your mother is dying. This isn't about your sister or the shoulda coulda or woulda beens. Spend as much time as you can with your mother w/o kicking up a fuss. Without badmouthing your sister. Put all of that nonsense aside for moms sake. Sit with her and hold her hand. Thank her for all she's done for you. Tell her how you admire all she's accomplished in life. Tell her you love her and that you're proud of her. Kiss her cheek and let her feel your tears. This is it. There are no more chances to say what you need to say and should say, putting your own feelings aside in favor of hers. And thank your sister, too, while you're it. For taking care of all the grunt work you were blissfully able to avoid all this time.
My condolences on your impending loss.
It doesn’t seem strange to me that your sister who lives locally and is involved in her care is the one with the POA. That is what is generally recommended on here for family caregivers, as having all the responsibilities of caring for a dependent adult without the power to address the financial and legal aspects is frustrating if not unsustainable.
Also I would assume the boyfriend is around the same age as your mother and it’s also not considered great to have one elderly person POA for another. (Plus they never married which to me suggests perhaps a lack of commitment to each other on some level, although I’m sure there are exceptions.)
As far as the rest of this, let me tell you . I was POA for my parents . Facilities typically will only deal with POA for the exact issue you are having . They don’t get involved between family feuds . You should know this as well if you are a nurse manager .
I can also tell you that as the person who looked after my parents for over a decade that suggestions from siblings who were estranged and now pop back in the picture near the end and expect to have a say in things DOES NOT go over well .
You can’t throw your nurse cap in at the last minute and claim you should be in charge and expect that to go well.
I and my sister were both RN’s . She was estranged as well , came in at the end with her demands throwing her RN around . Saying she had a right . Demanded I call her each night when my father was dying . I was exhausted dealing with that and mom with dementia . I had set up a phone chain , I called one sister and one aunt who was also a nurse . But that wasn’t good enough for the problem sister. She acted like I worked for her and demanded I give her a phone call every night . . I told her to get lost . She even called the facility pretending to be me . I had to tell the facility to check caller ID first to see if the number was my local number or my sister’s out of state exchange .
I also have a know it all brother ( a lawyer ) who was the prince , the only boy , the eldest of the 5 of us siblings . He also ignored my parents until near the end. He also got demanding, I told him off too . These “ flying monkeys “ have no idea what life is like looking after a parent , even if you are a nurse .
I too took care of many elderly with dementia in my career . It does not compare to taking care of a parent . You are unable to put yourself in your sister’s shoes . I also was a nursing supervisor in nursing homes . I would definatly have been only talking to the POA in your family . Again facilities stay out of family discourse . I am a bit confused as to why you are surprised by this .
I’d be interested in your sister’s side of this story . We are only getting one side . But this site isn’t about which sibling is vindictive or not ..
You wanted to look into resources to keep Mom home .
What would have happened when hired help did not show up ? Were you going to be available to cover that shift whenever that may be ?
If not, then you have no business to even suggest it .
Hospice at home is over rated . We routinely have family caregivers come here overwhelmed because Hospice isn’t at the house that much . We also have family come here feeling guilty if they give the last dose of morphine shortly before death .
I would not want my kids dealing with me in hospice at home.
Again unless you were going to stay at Mom’s house with her , then your sister had to make the decision that worked for her .
This made me LOL. You have no clue the assessments and doctors diagnoses and statements of incapacity needed to place someone against their wishes. I bet she did seem completely independent to you, since you literally weren’t doing anything.
Rescheduling doctors appts that the parent cancels ( when they get a reminder call) because the appt time “ was too late “ , or they change the appt to the am , parent forgetting that I worked until 3 pm . Taking parent for a haircut, and out to lunch , picking up RX . Calling and waiting on hold to straighten out a medical billing error. Spending hours trying new clothes on mom with dementia at home because she refuses to use the dressing room at the store , just to end up returning the clothes that she doesn’t remember she picked out and doesn’t want. 😭😭
No one did though. So all the responsibility has fallen on your sister for years. I don't blame her for getting a little bit spiteful. You roll into town after years of estrangement and get palms thrown under your feet by your mother. Meanwhile, your sister no doubt has been a servant, or more likely a care slave to your mother without so much as a 'thank-you' or 'well done' from anyone including yourself. If your don't trust your sister, why were you and your brother not more involved and mom's live-in boyfriend?
Here's why. Sister was maintaining the status quo. Everyone else was off the caregiving hook and that worked out nicely. Until your mother fell and your sister had to make a decision and out her in AL. Where were you? Your sister doesn't need your help for the 'medical aspects' of the care. Any nurse or doctor can explain a UTI to her. She needed help with the overwhelming burden (yes burden) of managing the life and care of an elderly person.
I know where your sister is coming from because I lived it myself with my own mother. I also saw this scenario many times in my decades long experience in homecare and the homecare business.
Right now you should call your sister and apologize to her with all sincerity. Put aside your vanity, pride, and self-righteousness for a little while and reach out to your sister. Then try actually listening to her. Everything going on with your mother is hard on her too. Harder than it is on you or your brother because she's there and has been there all along while you and your brother were not.
Focus on spending some time with Mom as her daughter, and less time being critical of the POA . If when you are there visiting and Mom is anxious or seems to be in pain or distress , ring the call bell and the nurse will come to take care of it . Hospice is about keeping Mom calm and comfortable.
It boils down to you were estranged for years so you weren’t the one designated as POA when the papers were drawn up . The POA is not obligated to “ consult “ you . Criticisms will cause family feuds at a time like this .
Your thread is a family feud problem not a caregiver issue.
My other sister has dementia , lots going on with her right now. Her son ( my nephew ) is POA . He has no one else in the family who pays him any attention other than me . He’s been divorced no kids a long time . It’s just him and his mother . He is not a nurse but I don’t try to take over because I’m a nurse . We have a good relationship . I offer to help my nephew when I can , but he’s in charge . He has thanked me for being a supportive listening ear and for my opinion WHEN HE asks for it .
Maybe your sister is burned out from not having that kind of support .