My mother is 98 and in assisted living. She has dementia, probably moderate to severe. When I visit I do all the talking. I ask if she wants to go for a drive etc and she says it’s too much trouble. Sometimes I think she doesn’t want to put me out. She participates in the activities that she can but always says she’s bored. She really isn’t able to initiate discussions with fellow residents to make a friend. I try to visit a couple times a week for about 30-45 min. But I feel guilty about not trying to get her out or not going over more often. Thoughts?
Keep in mind that the world of a person with dementia gets smaller and smaller. She feels comfortable where she is and to go away from that can be confusing, frightening.
That said if you want to take mom out you do not ask her if she wants to go out.
You say "mom, we are going to get some ice cream today" and you get her jacket and anything else you need and you get her into the car. (go to a drive though so you don't have to get her out then back in if it was difficult to get her in the car the first time)
As to initiating discussions ..that is in her past. Making friends ..again in the past.
It is difficult to start a conversation or make friends if your brain is not working properly.
If she is in AL she might be better in Memory Care. Generally staff in MC make more of an effort to get the residents to engage with activities and or each other.
Also, if she's in a facility there's "nothing new" going on. Even if she watched a program or the news on tv or read something, she won't remember it.
When we went to visit my MIL we brought the laptop and played family videos for her, and funny animal memes on YouTube -- things that made her amazed of laugh, but nothing complicated, just short and funny. Then we had no expectation of her remembering it.
Please don't feel guilty. I used to really struggle with the same thought with my MIL: if she doesn't remember we were ever there then why go so often to visit her? Because we still loved her and knew she wasn't going to be here forever, and to also keep eyes on her, plus show the staff we had eyes on her. We did other things with her, like wheeled her to Sunday chapel in her facility and other events. We believe it had a cumulative beneficial impact even if we couldn't measure it.
May you receive peace in your heart when you visit her.
Give yourself a break!
We family members w/o dementia attend to listen to what the elders with dementia are saying and complaining about, not realizing most of it is senseless!
The disease has robbed them of how life used to be, not us. Ditch the guilt and realize that dementia is a no win situation for all concerned.
As long as your 98 y/o mom is clean, fed, and fairly content, I'd say she's ahead of 95% of the rest of the residents in care. Accept the reality of how life with dementia IS and know that you cannot fix it. You're doing enough.
Best of luck to you.
Two things can be true . She’s bored but also going out is too overwhelming . In general she will not be happy .
If Mom likes music maybe you can play some that she used to like . TV shows can be too hard for her to follow the plot . Maybe just take her for a walk on the grounds , sit in the courtyard of her facility .
Outings are in the rearview mirror now. They can be upsetting to the patient. She might enjoy going through a magazine with you, one with pix of pretty scenery or animal photography. Or food magazines.
I'd still encourage her to be around other residents. Even when they no longer talk, they can hold hands. I see this in my husband's memory care facility. No words, just sitting side by side and holding hands. Take her a soft stuffed animal or baby doll (there are some specifically for dementia patients). Sometimes they trade them with each other. Sometimes they just snuggle with their own baby and feel less alone.
She may be losing her ability to speak and/or understand what others are saying. Keep your expression animated when talking to her. My husband understands facial expressions and communicates with them because he can't talk intelligibly. But somehow his brain can often make the leap to the expression or gesture that suffices to let others know what he's thinking. And he is thinking as best he can. He is problem-solving, and I observe him doing that every day.
It's up to us to accommodate to what they can do and not expect them to follow former styles of relating.
Bring her a small bouquet of flowers (already in a vase with water), some candy she likes, or other favorite treats. Visit for 30 minutes and then leave. I'm sure something she likes to eat will make her smile!
Don't expect her to "make friends" with people there. You already go over twice a week, which is plenty. No reason to feel guilty at all.