She has dementia and lots of health issues that have caused her to decline more rapidly over the past year. She can hardly get around. She struggles with the walker and doesn't have much strength to use her wheelchair but she manages. She has gotten to the point where she just can't take care of herself, struggling to dress herself and do even simple tasks. On top of this she is incontinent and has trouble sometimes controlling her bowels and often can't get to the bathroom soon enough. My dad has been taking care of her for years but now his health has become an issue as he has had 3 strokes and has gotten a lot weaker himself. He simply can't give her the care she needs. We are thinking this most likely will turn into a long-term stay at this nursing home - she appears to be past assisted living. I'm afraid if we bring her home for Christmas she will refuse to go back. To make matters worse, for decades mom has exhibited signs of having Borderline Personality Disorder which causes her to be very abusive to my dad. We are all overwhelmed by this and trying to help her settle in but she is adamant about coming home. Sorry for the long post. Any advice is appreciated on how to convince her to stay at the nursing facility and let us come to her for Christmas.
Regrettably you cannot manage someone who is incontinent, even if they are wearing any diapers or protection. The carers are trained and have the right equipment, you may not be nor do you have the kit in your home. This is not being cruel, it is reality.
You don’t convince her to stay . She can’t get back home on her own steam .
You don’t have to grant her wish by helping her get home . Learn the word “ No” . You leave if she is persistent . Say you have an errand to run . As already said Mom isn’t driving the bus anymore . You are in control of what you do . She can not order you to bring her home .
Mom has dementia , you can not reason with her . She will refuse to go back to the facility if you bring her home . I never took my mother out in my car once I got her through those doors . She would have refused to get out of the car again .
You don't try and convince her, you just say No this will not work.
She can't force you or anyone to fold to her whims.
The above worked out great, as Dad was ready for a nap soon after filling up with lunch. So he was glad to get back to his apartment within the facilities. Then we visited him later in the day.
And you don't "convince" her, you just tell her that that's how it's going to be whether she likes it or not, as she's no longer in charge.
And definitely DO NOT bring your mom back home ever. She's in her home now.
This back and forth is confusing and anger-invoking in the beginning of adapting to this change. Everyone needs to be calm, gentle, empathetic with her mourning all this, but she should be told that her being home is not sustainable now for ANYBODY and especially for her hubby. She should refrain from arguing, and if this is something she insists on doing she should know that you will all leave, and return when she's feeling a bit better.
You aren't responsible for her happiness, and truly it is unlikely that happiness is on the menu now for either of your parents. Make is as good as you are able. I am so sorry.
If it helps give you resolve, reframe this from "we're not doing what Mom wants" to "we're going to do what is necessary to keep Dad safe."
I hope you find peaceful moments with mom over the holidays - at the facility, not in anyone's home.
Your mother has dementia and should not be driving the decisions, The decisions should be made as to what is best for her, and your dad, which may not necessarily be what she wants. I suspect she is used to getting her way, but things have changed. You can't operate on the basis of pleasing her, but on the basis of the care she needs whether she likes it or not. Roles change when parents need care. Wishing you the best. I know it is difficult.