She has dementia and lots of health issues that have caused her to decline more rapidly over the past year. She can hardly get around. She struggles with the walker and doesn't have much strength to use her wheelchair but she manages. She has gotten to the point where she just can't take care of herself, struggling to dress herself and do even simple tasks. On top of this she is incontinent and has trouble sometimes controlling her bowels and often can't get to the bathroom soon enough. My dad has been taking care of her for years but now his health has become an issue as he has had 3 strokes and has gotten a lot weaker himself. He simply can't give her the care she needs. We are thinking this most likely will turn into a long-term stay at this nursing home - she appears to be past assisted living. I'm afraid if we bring her home for Christmas she will refuse to go back. To make matters worse, for decades mom has exhibited signs of having Borderline Personality Disorder which causes her to be very abusive to my dad. We are all overwhelmed by this and trying to help her settle in but she is adamant about coming home. Sorry for the long post. Any advice is appreciated on how to convince her to stay at the nursing facility and let us come to her for Christmas.
Explain things to her politely, and took there. At this point decision should be made on her behalf not her taking lead.
When she is adamant about coming home, just commiserate with her and say you wish she could come home too.
Then change the subject to something more pleasant. When I visit my mom, I alway carry my 'bag of tricks', which include things such as family photos, magazines she likes, and her favorite treats. I bring out one item at a time, as needed.
When we moved my mom to memory care, we told her we'd bring her home when the doctor said it was safe. Telling her the truth would have been devastating to her. Whatever we tell her will be forgotten within minutes due to dementia, so we give her an answer that is more emotionally tolerable.
Your mother has dementia and should not be driving the decisions, The decisions should be made as to what is best for her, and your dad, which may not necessarily be what she wants. I suspect she is used to getting her way, but things have changed. You can't operate on the basis of pleasing her, but on the basis of the care she needs whether she likes it or not. Roles change when parents need care. Wishing you the best. I know it is difficult.
So, I take care of her now. I have used all of my PFML days and now I use my AL. I am fortunate that I can work from home one day a week. 3 days ago she broke her shoulder bone on the left side. She has had 3 strokes, and the last stroke left her right arm and hand contracted on her right-side. Now she can't use her left hand as she had adjusted to using for feeding herself. Now I will feed her for the next 6 weeks of expected recovery. I have tried to find a good caregiver, one that can handle my mother's care needs (pressure sore history; not being able toilet; dress nor groom herself). But those interviewed felt she required too much care.
She is now in her home that she and my dad shared for 66 years until he died in 2021.
I have given all of this history to respond to the person saying that our loved one if in nursing home will receive 24 hours 7 days care in a nursing facility and then we can live our lives. But I personally won't be able to live my life worrying each day while she is in a nursing home. When I worked surveying nursing homes it broke my heart entering a patient room and seeing family photos, yet the nurse would share the patient never had visitors. So, I don't have the answer for this group for placing our parents in nursing homes or not. All I can say is we all have to do what makes us feel comfortable when deciding care options for our parents, and also remember once we age, we will want someone to care enough to ensure we are taken care of safely.
"the doctors have said you have to stay here." you could add..."until you are feeling better"
"it is safer here for you."
"we will come have Christmas here with you"
You really do not have to "convince" her to stay. Unless you go get her or another family member goes to get her she has no option but to stay where she is. Unless of course she calls a cab or ride share and gives directions to your house and then manages to ....well you get the idea unless you get her she stays where she is.
I did the job for 25 years and am the owner of a thriving homecare business for some years now. I can say from my long experience in this field that homecare has it's limits. Many people cannot be kept at home for financial reasons because the family just can't afford it. Or they are simply too ill for their healthcare needs to be met in the home by homecare.
Many times families will keep a person at home for far longer than is safe to do so. The family suffers and the person being kept at home does too. The mother should not be taken home for Christmas for exactly the reasons the OP has stated. They can have a holiday with her at the facility and make it nice if they want to. If the mother is taken home for the holiday most likely she will refuse to go back, throw a tantrum, get hysterical, and carry on. This will ruin everyone else's holiday, but that isn't even the main concern here. She has dementia and you would know by your own years in caregiving that any kind of emotional upset can cause major setbacks for someone and their dementia can worsen quickly. It's not worth it to indulge and humor the person by bringing them home when the upset of bringing them back to the facility can cause them to worsen.
It's not fair or right to put this on the staff of a facility either. The person gets taken home for Christmas. When it's time to go back, they have a hysterical tantrum. So, they likely end being transported back to their facility by ambulance. Now most nursing homes are short-staffed to begin with, on a holiday it's pretty much a skeleton crew, has to deal with the demented mother's hysterics and take care of all the other residents too. That's not right to do that to them. She should stay at her facility.
Bring the holiday to her.
She will continually ask (or insist) to 'go home,' and perhaps especially this time of year. This is understandable.
If she has 'signs' of BPD, then you know you cannot 'give in' to her demands. You do what is in her best interest / welfare. She will kick and scream and let that be okay (leave as you need to). This is her "MO" - she might be used to getting her own way - by screaming / tantrams so expect her to continue this behavior. You have to learn to set CLEAR BOUNDARIES and maintain them.
You never argue with a person with dementia.
You say "I hear you" then change the subject.
She may or may not learn that her behavior doesn't get her needs met (due to dementia) and you need to learn that that is not only okay, it is part of the process of someone with dementia and some kind of mental health disorder.
Ask MD for medication to get her calmed down. Or at least discuss it.
Do NOT you allow her to (continue to) drain you / your family with her demands or perceived needs. She doesn't have cognitive functioning / it is or has declined and will continue to do so ... she is angry, frustrated, and most of all SCARED.
Talk to the scared little girl inside her. Show compassion while setting clear limits. If you do not put your own mental and physical health first, you may have a breakdown. You must do what you need to do to maintain your own well being and health.
Gena / Touch Matters
I wish I could show you what my daughter and the staff are doing at the Nursing Home she works at, the Grinch. My daughter in her own right is an artist. Last year the did A Christmas Story. There will be a Christmas Dinner at the NH. You may be able to join in.
You don't try and convince her, you just say No this will not work.
She can't force you or anyone to fold to her whims.
Regrettably you cannot manage someone who is incontinent, even if they are wearing any diapers or protection. The carers are trained and have the right equipment, you may not be nor do you have the kit in your home. This is not being cruel, it is reality.
And you don't "convince" her, you just tell her that that's how it's going to be whether she likes it or not, as she's no longer in charge.
And definitely DO NOT bring your mom back home ever. She's in her home now.
You don’t convince her to stay . She can’t get back home on her own steam .
You don’t have to grant her wish by helping her get home . Learn the word “ No” . You leave if she is persistent . Say you have an errand to run . As already said Mom isn’t driving the bus anymore . You are in control of what you do . She can not order you to bring her home .
Mom has dementia , you can not reason with her . She will refuse to go back to the facility if you bring her home . I never took my mother out in my car once I got her through those doors . She would have refused to get out of the car again .
I hope you find peaceful moments with mom over the holidays - at the facility, not in anyone's home.
The above worked out great, as Dad was ready for a nap soon after filling up with lunch. So he was glad to get back to his apartment within the facilities. Then we visited him later in the day.
If it helps give you resolve, reframe this from "we're not doing what Mom wants" to "we're going to do what is necessary to keep Dad safe."
This back and forth is confusing and anger-invoking in the beginning of adapting to this change. Everyone needs to be calm, gentle, empathetic with her mourning all this, but she should be told that her being home is not sustainable now for ANYBODY and especially for her hubby. She should refrain from arguing, and if this is something she insists on doing she should know that you will all leave, and return when she's feeling a bit better.
You aren't responsible for her happiness, and truly it is unlikely that happiness is on the menu now for either of your parents. Make is as good as you are able. I am so sorry.