I just need to talk with others that understand my feelings. Me (53 years old), my husband (60 years old) of 35 years and our 2 adult sons uprooted our family in 2018 to move in with his elderly (91 year old now) mother to take care of her so she wasn't put in a nursing home. She is very disrespectful, mean, hateful and manipulative. She has always hated me, which husband knew, but allowed us to move in with her. Even though I have no support from my husband, I'm the one guilted and forced to shower her or clean her butt when she purposely poops in his her pants. The way he allows her to treat us (especially me) and refuses to put his foot down with her is horrible. I begged him to put her in a home because I just couldn't handle the fighting between any longer. The stress got so bad that in 2022 I had a heart attack that almost killed me. The heart doctor even told him to his face that if the stress levels in my life don't drastically change quickly, I will die because my heart is very weak. He didn't care. Nothing changed. Then I had a stroke in my right eye that took my vision he didn't care. Nothing changed. I've begged and begged for help. Because, see I handle everything. I am not just the woman of the house. Unfortunately, I'm the man of the house, too. No matter how big or small the problem is I've always been looked at to handle. His excuses have always been I don't know how or just shrugging his shoulders because he knows I'm going to take care of it or it just won't get fixed. I even left him back in Feb of this year for 4 days. I was trying to get him to realize how he takes me for granted. He lets her treat me and our sons like crap even when we are the ones who take care of her. He will not put his foot down. So I asked him to choose: Your wife of 35 years and your family, or her. He chose her. It hurt me so bad and our sons, too. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't even know I exist unless there's a problem then of course he tells me to solve his own problem without even trying to solve it on his own. No matter what it is. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Your husband chose his mother over you 7 years ago.
As you describe your husband's passiveness and your role of responsibility in the marriage and household, this has been a relationship that is not good for you, and you held on for way too long.
And why are you still taking care of your grown sons? They're still living with you? Even through all this horribly dysfunctional living arrangement? They should be encouraged to create their own independent lives - away from this mess.
I feel for you, but I am disappointed in you hopelessinTulsa. You should never have moved into your MIL's house, and you should not have taken on the role of caregiver, wiping this woman's behind! Your body has been telling you this is wrong! You haven't listened. You just keep doing it, while expecting some kind of sympathy and support from your husband to allow you off the hook.
Your husband has told you exactly where he stands and you need to start taking care of YOU! You will not get his support and you can do this without it!
Unless you want to go down as a martyr to this woman, because this WILL kill you, without any appreciation from anyone, you need to get out now!
Relationships with the children are important and you can maintain and even enrich them. If money is an issue start with a woman's shelter where they can help you find affordable accommodations. I know its scary but in time you'll find it empowering. No need to divorce just take a physical and mental health break. Time will give you choices along the way.
Tulsa, please find a few private moments to call the closest women's shelter. They will help you make a plan to leave and be in a safe place where he cannot find you. They will help you find a lawyer, pro bono, who will take your case to be rid of this abuser and his abusive mother.
You don't say how old the kids are but I'm guessing they are adults. They have witnessed this abuse their entire lives and will also need counseling.
Do it now. We are waiting to hear back how you are.
I needed to move out of a marriage yet could not. Someone suggested atteneding a CoDependcy group.
As I listened to others stories. I would think, "What is wrong. with them?"
Then it hit me, I needed to change.
Hope all this helps.
You need to do what you can to set an example for yr. children.
Action teaches volumes. However, inaction does too.
After the visit advise husband, "Given my heart attack history and stroke history doctor has advised me I must stop doing MIL's care."
Keep your car in good working order. If it needs new tires etc, get new tires.
Get an appointment with your doctor and tell them you are abused and need help. They should have resources for women advocacy. Possibly even legal option. Your home is inhumane.
You certainly have earned a peaceful heart and contentment.
How many times does he have to show you he doesn't care?
There's absolutely NO way I'd be wiping my husband's mother's butt while HE chills.
That's HIS mother & HIS responsibility. STOP doing it. Tell him to do it or get a caretaker & let that be that. No argument, no big to do...just say what you have to say & let that be it.
Back off & let him figure out how he's going to take care of HIS mother! You have yourself & your kids to worry about!
They are killing you. Don't let them!
I also suggest telling yourself you are being a good role model to your kids by no longer allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Even if they don’t initially understand, your COURAGE to simply put a stop to this nonsense will help them later in life when they face similar situations.
See a therapist, consult with an attorney and get your financial nest egg started NOW.
Good luck.
That's a good idea to suggest a legal separation. That way the husband will still be financially responsible for the OP and he'll have to pay her rent, bills, etc... Then if he keeps his mother out of a nursing home and she dies, he inherits her house. If the OP is divorced from him when that happens it can't be considered as part of a divorce settlement. Hopefully the OP gets a sharp attorney will mention future inheritance as part of the settlement.
So here's what you do. The next time she 'poops' her pants refuse to change her or clean her up. Make her wait for her son or someone else.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business of it. I KNOW for a fact that many times clients would 'save' it for certain people like a DIL or daughter, or they'd crap themselves ON PURPOSE so the person they were waiting for (or hated) would have to clean them up. Don't get me wrong, incontinence is real and some people have no control. Other people use the pants pooping and peeing as a power trip over someone.
You do NOTHING for this woman. I mean NOTHING. When she starts mouthing off, tell her to shut the hell up then walk away.
Then have a talk with your husband. Tell him that either she goes into a care facility, or you will be seeing a divorce lawyer. Give him a month. If he does nothing, have him served.
Also, don't be afraid of divorce. After as many years as you've been married, the right divorce lawyer will have your deadbeat husband paying you for the rest of his life. You have to put yourself first for the sake of your own life.
Explain to your sons privately you are making a plan. Find a local Women's Shelter who can help you get on your feet, and file for divorce. At 91, his Mother may not live much longer, but the time to get out is NOW. Your sons don't want their Mom dying of a heart attack, do they?
I went through a similar situation (after 20 years of hell) and managed to get out. You feel overwhelmed and defeated. Take the first step, get help in filing for divorce. You invested plenty of your life and will get plenty back.
Get help and make the move. 4 days is not enough. You need to face reality, he will never change...and let him go. You won't miss him (or her), either! Let him wipe his own Mother's behind! You are still young, can get a place with peace, even work part time and enjoy your life away from the stress. Your sons will be proud.
Just take the first step. It's hard and scary as hell. But once the ball starts rolling, things change quickly! These are your best years, trust me. The time you waste with this fool and his Evil Mother, you will never get back. He will have to pay, after so many years of marriage, you will be FINE on your own....YOU ALREADY ARE ON YOUR OWN!
You won't be left suffering. HE WILL. I'm sending the strength you need your way! You got this. You always solve problems, right? This one will be EASY.
They can get you connected with legal advice.
They will have a social worker who can help you get signed up for SNAP (food stamps) , welfare--until you get a job and help you find housing.
Get a divorce.
Notice that I didn’t say that your husband, or MIL must change course because apparently they are okay with how things are.
Follow the wise advice given by the posters on this site to save yourself!
I'm a paid caregiver and I've seen everything from the passive-aggressive and snide remarks being made at caregivers to the outright hostility of cursing people out, hitting, and spitting. This is when I say quit.
Plan your way out carefully. Do not leave unless you have a place to go to. You inconvenienced yourself and your children to take care of a tyrant; so take your time to get your money situation together and if you work, start saving.
Next, stop helping. Get home care on the premises. Of course, she pays for her care. When she starts her shananigans, stop helping. Ignore her. Deal with this woman on your terms. When she starts up, give it back to her in a firm manner, and send your husband in there to finish up the job you started.
Keep your boys away from this woman. If she gets abusive, call 911. Do not accept anymore disrespect and abuse from her.
As for your husband, let him deal with his own problems. When he comes to you with an issue, tell him to handle it himself.
Stop letting these people use you.
What you are dealing with is a classic case of disrespect and being taken for granted. When you get tired of the footprints on your back, stand up.
I know I for one would never agree to die so that my 91 year old mean demented MIL could live to 100.