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I just need to talk with others that understand my feelings. Me (53 years old), my husband (60 years old) of 35 years and our 2 adult sons uprooted our family in 2018 to move in with his elderly (91 year old now) mother to take care of her so she wasn't put in a nursing home. She is very disrespectful, mean, hateful and manipulative. She has always hated me, which husband knew, but allowed us to move in with her. Even though I have no support from my husband, I'm the one guilted and forced to shower her or clean her butt when she purposely poops in his her pants. The way he allows her to treat us (especially me) and refuses to put his foot down with her is horrible. I begged him to put her in a home because I just couldn't handle the fighting between any longer. The stress got so bad that in 2022 I had a heart attack that almost killed me. The heart doctor even told him to his face that if the stress levels in my life don't drastically change quickly, I will die because my heart is very weak. He didn't care. Nothing changed. Then I had a stroke in my right eye that took my vision he didn't care. Nothing changed. I've begged and begged for help. Because, see I handle everything. I am not just the woman of the house. Unfortunately, I'm the man of the house, too. No matter how big or small the problem is I've always been looked at to handle. His excuses have always been I don't know how or just shrugging his shoulders because he knows I'm going to take care of it or it just won't get fixed. I even left him back in Feb of this year for 4 days. I was trying to get him to realize how he takes me for granted. He lets her treat me and our sons like crap even when we are the ones who take care of her. He will not put his foot down. So I asked him to choose: Your wife of 35 years and your family, or her. He chose her. It hurt me so bad and our sons, too. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't even know I exist unless there's a problem then of course he tells me to solve his own problem without even trying to solve it on his own. No matter what it is. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I’m so sorry it came to this. Honestly- you should have left him a long time ago but I know it’s never easy and you have 2 children. If he can’t see how special you are then it’s his loss. No one should be treated that way. I hope your boys support and love you the way you deserve. 🩷
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Reply to BurntoutinCT
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You need to leave for more than 4 days.
Your husband chose his mother over you 7 years ago.
As you describe your husband's passiveness and your role of responsibility in the marriage and household, this has been a relationship that is not good for you, and you held on for way too long.
And why are you still taking care of your grown sons? They're still living with you? Even through all this horribly dysfunctional living arrangement? They should be encouraged to create their own independent lives - away from this mess.
I feel for you, but I am disappointed in you hopelessinTulsa. You should never have moved into your MIL's house, and you should not have taken on the role of caregiver, wiping this woman's behind! Your body has been telling you this is wrong! You haven't listened. You just keep doing it, while expecting some kind of sympathy and support from your husband to allow you off the hook.
Your husband has told you exactly where he stands and you need to start taking care of YOU! You will not get his support and you can do this without it!

Unless you want to go down as a martyr to this woman, because this WILL kill you, without any appreciation from anyone, you need to get out now!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Your husband will not change or see reason because he has things just as he wants them. Your sons must be adults so the three of you need to leave and get a place of your own. Three incomes should be able to afford something. Stay with relatives for a few weeks if you must but take 50% of the bank account and leave.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Sounds like it's time to leave him. Not 4 days. He likes the status quo. She may have dementia which often makes a person mean. She may not realize she is soiling herself. Some dementia people brain doesn't connect with bodily functions . I bet if you leave for a month, and no communication with him, he will either find a home for her or be charged with neglect. Be sure and stick to your plan.
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Reply to Crystal64
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Easy solution for you: Move back home and take your sons with you. You are not appreciated and are being taken advantage of and it's destroying your health. Let him take care of his mother as it's not fair for you to be treated badly by his mother and him for going the extra miles for them both. Enough is enough.
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Reply to Evonne1954
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What can you do? Move out.
Relationships with the children are important and you can maintain and even enrich them. If money is an issue start with a woman's shelter where they can help you find affordable accommodations. I know its scary but in time you'll find it empowering. No need to divorce just take a physical and mental health break. Time will give you choices along the way.
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Reply to AnnetteDe
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This is a classic abused woman scenario. It is so easy to look at the situation and wonder, why doesn't she leave? Why does she continue to let herself be abused? The answer is she is frightened and without money or resources. She is being controlled.

Tulsa, please find a few private moments to call the closest women's shelter. They will help you make a plan to leave and be in a safe place where he cannot find you. They will help you find a lawyer, pro bono, who will take your case to be rid of this abuser and his abusive mother.

You don't say how old the kids are but I'm guessing they are adults. They have witnessed this abuse their entire lives and will also need counseling.

Do it now. We are waiting to hear back how you are.
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Reply to LakeErie
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It might be there is a side of you that is unable to move to a different forward outcome. If the advice here, though it may be good, seems overwheming, I understand.

I needed to move out of a marriage yet could not. Someone suggested atteneding a CoDependcy group.
As I listened to others stories. I would think, "What is wrong. with them?"
Then it hit me, I needed to change.

Hope all this helps.
You need to do what you can to set an example for yr. children.
Action teaches volumes. However, inaction does too.
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Reply to EmeraldFriend77
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Visting the doctor is not a bad idea. He/she can refer you to local resources and services.

After the visit advise husband, "Given my heart attack history and stroke history doctor has advised me I must stop doing MIL's care."

Keep your car in good working order. If it needs new tires etc, get new tires.
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Reply to brandee
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Please, leave. This isn't a home, it's a labor camp. Discreetly plan. Do you have a friend that can help organize employment, funds and place to stay? Then "go to the store" and never look back.
Get an appointment with your doctor and tell them you are abused and need help. They should have resources for women advocacy. Possibly even legal option. Your home is inhumane.
You certainly have earned a peaceful heart and contentment.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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hopelessinTulsa: Amend this dynamic now.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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I am so sorry that u are going through this. My mil moved in with us for three months while my husband was working to put her into an assisted living facility. It wasn’t easy but we managed. I understand the mental & physical aspect of it all. The fact that u now have health problems because of this is not okay. U need 2 take care of u now. Do what u need 2 do 2 make yourself well & whole again. U should not feel guilty for putting yourself first now. If ur husband can’t understand how this has affected ur health well then that says a lot. Stay strong. Do what’s right for u. I hope this has helped.
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Reply to Hillyanng
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☆YOU are setting yourself on fire to keep others warm!
How many times does he have to show you he doesn't care?
There's absolutely NO way I'd be wiping my husband's mother's butt while HE chills.
That's HIS mother & HIS responsibility. STOP doing it. Tell him to do it or get a caretaker & let that be that. No argument, no big to do...just say what you have to say & let that be it.
Back off & let him figure out how he's going to take care of HIS mother! You have yourself & your kids to worry about!
They are killing you. Don't let them!
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Reply to CaliTexasGirl
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I strongly suggest having a quiet private consultation with a good divorce attorney BEFORE presenting a divorce option to your husband. Otherwise he can freeze you out of joint accounts, a common tactic to keep you from leaving (attorneys insist on retainers and payments, otherwise they won’t take your case). I found this out the hard way. Better to be labeled sneaky than to not even be able to put gas in your car.

I also suggest telling yourself you are being a good role model to your kids by no longer allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Even if they don’t initially understand, your COURAGE to simply put a stop to this nonsense will help them later in life when they face similar situations.
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Reply to Janna228
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JeanLouise Oct 4, 2025
100% he will make a divorce miserable. She needs a secretive plan and then be gone without warning. He's an abuser in sheep's clothing.
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Venting here helps. Now you need to act on your situation. If he chooses his mother over you then you need to direct your effort on yourself. Let him be responsible for her. You FOCUS on you because no one else will....that has been made clear. No amount of reasoning or begging will change unless they want to change. IMHO, it is for the best you know where you stand in this situation. However sucky it is at least you know.

See a therapist, consult with an attorney and get your financial nest egg started NOW.

Good luck.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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@hopelessinTulsa LEAVE HIM ASAP!!!!!!! RetiredBrain has given you an exact map of how to handle ALL of this!!!! Your husband and his NASTY mother deserve each other!! He will try to contact you and beg you to come back, just say NO!!!!!!! No is a complete sentence. Speak to my lawyer is the only thing you ever need to say to him, that, and maybe I'm getting a restraining order ( DO NOT CONTACT). Peace, love and happiness to you and your beautiful sons.
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Reply to TrishaAlvis
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Speaking as a husband, you need to take your sons and GET OUT. No long winded answer. Get OUT.
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Reply to dmg1969
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I am loving the comments I’ve read so far. Not because your MIL is such a problem, as much as it is your husband. Your mother’s problems are inherent with age and, as I think I saw with my mother and how it felt with many others, even when dementia might be a factor, narcissism and it’s abuses can still be worse. Don’t expect your MIL to be a happy person. Aging can be a miserable deal. But, you have to protect yourself, against your MIL and your husband. The reality is that you’re being thrown under the bus and only you can save yourself from that. This has neon red flags all over it, when it’s HIS MOTHER and he turns his back on the situation, assuming you’re trapped. Surprise him then and get out, by any means necessary.
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Reply to imout01
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Take your name off or cancel all credit cards. Take money and pay off any debt you have. Open your own bank account in another bank. Chase is on line. See a lawyer. Then walk out the front door and don’t look back. Don’t give him any information. Don’t tell him what you are doing. Say nothing. Get it all done and leave. It could be no worse and I think you will find happiness is within your reach. Never look back. Never. Don’t communicate with him at all. He can talk to your lawyer. He can pay for your lawyer. You owe him nothing. Don’t tell anyone or talk about this. Just do it. Own yourself. Leave your stuff. Buy new. Just get out.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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JeanLouise Oct 4, 2025
Caution canceling credit cards; it will tank her credit rating. She needs this. Squirrel away $$ in her own account in a different bank, get a job and make friends outside this hell. Definitely needs an attorney that has experience with abusive relationships.
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He chose her. You married a momma’s boy and that’s not a cute clique saying. It’s a really hellish existence if you stay. Sounds like your sons are grown men and encourage them to go live their own lives and adventures far away would be helpful for them. No responsibilities to you or declining grandparents. They don’t owe you or grandparents their lives. Show them the way to not being the next enmeshed generation entrapped by emotionally immature elders. Move on. You left for 4 days?? Pack up and leave for 4 months and get a separate checking account and engage a divorce lawyer to discuss your options. Perhaps legal separation. Live with a friend or rent short term. If you live on some dreadful farm or out in the country, get to a nearby city and get some support and have services around you. You are way past hinting around from what you wrote. He will likely choose his mother and parents and you will be cast out. How long have you known this? You are at a great age, early 50’s. Think about what you could be doing instead of wiping his ungrateful mother’s bum with your time. We all only get so much time and we are responsible for our choices.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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BurntCaregiver Oct 3, 2025
@Beethoven

That's a good idea to suggest a legal separation. That way the husband will still be financially responsible for the OP and he'll have to pay her rent, bills, etc... Then if he keeps his mother out of a nursing home and she dies, he inherits her house. If the OP is divorced from him when that happens it can't be considered as part of a divorce settlement. Hopefully the OP gets a sharp attorney will mention future inheritance as part of the settlement.
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Do your sons have jobs so they can move out?
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Reply to JustAnon
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You and I are the same age. You've already had a heart attack and a stroke. What's next? You may not recover from the next health crisis. You and your health has to come first in your life.

So here's what you do. The next time she 'poops' her pants refuse to change her or clean her up. Make her wait for her son or someone else.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business of it. I KNOW for a fact that many times clients would 'save' it for certain people like a DIL or daughter, or they'd crap themselves ON PURPOSE so the person they were waiting for (or hated) would have to clean them up. Don't get me wrong, incontinence is real and some people have no control. Other people use the pants pooping and peeing as a power trip over someone.

You do NOTHING for this woman. I mean NOTHING. When she starts mouthing off, tell her to shut the hell up then walk away.

Then have a talk with your husband. Tell him that either she goes into a care facility, or you will be seeing a divorce lawyer. Give him a month. If he does nothing, have him served.

Also, don't be afraid of divorce. After as many years as you've been married, the right divorce lawyer will have your deadbeat husband paying you for the rest of his life. You have to put yourself first for the sake of your own life.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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SID2020 Oct 3, 2025
Fantastic response, yes yes yes
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Enough is enough. You are in the absolute PRIME of your life at 53 to have so much happen! Don't waste another day you will never get back, for some Evil Witch and her useless son. He didn't make vows to his Mother, he made them to YOU.

Explain to your sons privately you are making a plan. Find a local Women's Shelter who can help you get on your feet, and file for divorce. At 91, his Mother may not live much longer, but the time to get out is NOW. Your sons don't want their Mom dying of a heart attack, do they?

I went through a similar situation (after 20 years of hell) and managed to get out. You feel overwhelmed and defeated. Take the first step, get help in filing for divorce. You invested plenty of your life and will get plenty back.

Get help and make the move. 4 days is not enough. You need to face reality, he will never change...and let him go. You won't miss him (or her), either! Let him wipe his own Mother's behind! You are still young, can get a place with peace, even work part time and enjoy your life away from the stress. Your sons will be proud.

Just take the first step. It's hard and scary as hell. But once the ball starts rolling, things change quickly! These are your best years, trust me. The time you waste with this fool and his Evil Mother, you will never get back. He will have to pay, after so many years of marriage, you will be FINE on your own....YOU ALREADY ARE ON YOUR OWN!

You won't be left suffering. HE WILL. I'm sending the strength you need your way! You got this. You always solve problems, right? This one will be EASY.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Call your battered womans shelter.

They can get you connected with legal advice.

They will have a social worker who can help you get signed up for SNAP (food stamps) , welfare--until you get a job and help you find housing.

Get a divorce.
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JeanLouise Oct 4, 2025
Excellent advice
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See a divorce attorney today as to how to get the funds up front to move out. Everything he earned during the marriage is half yours including all of his accounts.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Ask yourself if you are willing to kill yourself for your MIL. If you are not, then you MUST change course.
Notice that I didn’t say that your husband, or MIL must change course because apparently they are okay with how things are.
Follow the wise advice given by the posters on this site to save yourself!
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Reply to EverHopeful1
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I'm so sorry that you are in this dilemma. It happens. Some MIL resent their daughter's in-laws. Yes, there are some mean women in this world, and being old does not give them a free pass to use and abuse others.

I'm a paid caregiver and I've seen everything from the passive-aggressive and snide remarks being made at caregivers to the outright hostility of cursing people out, hitting, and spitting. This is when I say quit.

Plan your way out carefully. Do not leave unless you have a place to go to. You inconvenienced yourself and your children to take care of a tyrant; so take your time to get your money situation together and if you work, start saving.

Next, stop helping. Get home care on the premises. Of course, she pays for her care. When she starts her shananigans, stop helping. Ignore her. Deal with this woman on your terms. When she starts up, give it back to her in a firm manner, and send your husband in there to finish up the job you started.

Keep your boys away from this woman. If she gets abusive, call 911. Do not accept anymore disrespect and abuse from her.

As for your husband, let him deal with his own problems. When he comes to you with an issue, tell him to handle it himself.

Stop letting these people use you.

What you are dealing with is a classic case of disrespect and being taken for granted. When you get tired of the footprints on your back, stand up.
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Reply to Scampie1
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2, 2025
Well said, Scampie.
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Your life sounds like punishing torture. Don't expect your mother-in-law or husband to change. You say that your sons are adults. Talk to them about their own futures. Can they get work and get their own apartment? You are still young. I hope you can find a way to have a better life for yourself, on your own. The advice given by others is good. You'll have to be strong. It will be a huge adjustment. Please, give yourself permission to take care of your own health and to make a good life for yourself! Seek the advice of a divorce lawyer and get in touch with a social worker at your state's human services department to find out what your options are. You might be eligible for disability social security. Good luck and all the best to you and your sons!
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Reply to NancyIS
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I want to weep in sympathy for you! I am not normally one to suggest divorce, but reread what you wrote - You had a heart attack at a very young age. He was told the continued stress might kill you. He chose *that* for you when you asked him to make a choice. Please listen to what the others here have suggested for you!
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Reply to Goddatter
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Bulldog54321 Sep 28, 2025
Exactly. He chose for her to die young.

I know I for one would never agree to die so that my 91 year old mean demented MIL could live to 100.
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I would suggest you and your sons move out. I am sorry to be dismissive, but exactly what miracle do you await to change your husband from the man he is to someone else?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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