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You say your sons are adults.
They get to decide what they want.
I would encourage them to move out. I can only hope that they learned to treat their spouses with more respect than their dad treats you.
You gave him a choice.
He chose his mother.
Let them live happily ever after together.
Talk to a divorce lawyer
Take care of yourself and your health. Start living YOUR life.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Grandma1954
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You need to put yourself first, whether or not you are willing to divorce. If you have any joint accounts, take the money out and put it in an account in your name (I would normally say only take half, but this is fairly dramatic abuse). Are your “2 adult sons” working? Do they have their own homes? Would you be financially Ok with them? Do you trust them to support you rather than him?

If you (with help from your sons) can secure your own half of the marriage finances, and walk out, that will leave him to work out care for his parents. It should stop this situation, and it may be (possible?) for things to change. Unless you take drastic measures, it won’t!

Remember that you can always go to a Women's Shelter. The staff there can give you one-to-one support and help you to work out what options are best.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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You need to put yourself first, whether or not you are willing to divorce. If you have any joint accounts, take the money out and put it in an account in your name (I would normally say only take half, but this is fairly dramatic abuse). Are your “2 adult sons” working? Do they have their own homes? Would you be financially Ok with them?

If you (with help from your sons) can secure your own half of the marriage finances, and walk out, that will leave him to work out care for his parents. It should stop this situation, and it may be (possible?) for things to change. Unless you take drastic measures, it won’t!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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You’re only 53. You have time. He has chosen his mother. No point in you living there anymore.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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I am so sorry you are in this place. You can do this - Take it step by step. Your next project is the biggest ever - YOU. From your description you are in an abusive environment and need to leave. Very soon. Your health/life depends on it. Please know people are trained to help you.
Find a safe place to go and be for a while. Do you have a reliable friend, family member or crisis shelter you can turn to? If you dont have transportation find someone to provide it.
Before you leave - Plan how to leave. Do not share your plan. Get the important papers you need before you leave - joint anything (bank statements, mortgage, credit card, etc.). Take the minimum items you need with you.
There are a lot of web resources with step by step guidance for you. Use your smartphone to look them up - not the computer.
Applying for SSDisabilityIncome takes a while. Find a space you can be a while and have an address.
Reach out to social service organizations and get help.
You have to take care of yourself. Your boys may look back one day and think, Mom did that. She really did that and look how much better her life is now. In the middle of things it feels and seems so dang hard. But step by step you will find a way. You really can do this. Life may look very different but remember - Familiar Chaos is worse than Unfamiliar Peace.
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Reply to Wisdomseeker
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Who handles your finances? Do you have access to all of your family's accounts? Do you have any income of your own? Could you qualify for disability, if you aren't already receiving it?

Make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Don't let anyone know about it. Take whatever financial information you have with you. You are not initiating a divorce yet, but you need to get professional advice on what your options are and what you can expect in terms of finances, and how to protect yourself.

What are your children doing? Are they in college or working? Do they keep their income or contribute to the household expenses? Would they be want to leave with you and set up a separate household, or stay there so that you would be leaving by yourself?

You do need to leave. Nothing is worth living like this. This is literally killing you. You deserve peace, happiness, and respect. not this kind of abuse and ingratitude. So make a plan for where to go -- with your sons? Family or friends? Inexpensive airbnb? A woman's shelter? You may want to contact a shelter even if you don't stay there, to see if they have counseling and assistance with applying for services as an abused woman leaving your marriage and starting fresh.

Be sure to follow your lawyer's advice on how to handle this financially. You may need to put safeguards on your individual and joint accounts to ensure that your husband doesn't cut of your access, or hide assets.

Be strong. You've handled so much adversity already. You can do this. Keep us posted on what and how you're doing.
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Reply to MG8522
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You have two adult sons who can work. If you don't get Social Security disability, apply for it. Once you're out of the house you may be able to get SSI which is supplemental income. With that comes Medicaid for health. There will be recourses you may be able to get once you are on your own.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm sorry for your situation, but you are the one who has to change. It's not likely that your hub or mil will.

One route is to tell your hub that you are not caring for her anymore as of 1 week, or 2 weeks from now to give your hub enough time to get home help. Then stop doing it. You have enough health issues to more than justify your position, not that you need to.

Another route is simply to move out as soon as you can find a bed, even a woman's shelter to go to and see a lawyer regarding your rights.

Another option is you could tell your mil that one more hateful word from her and you will never help her again. And that i n any case you are stopping your role as a caregiver s as of ----- (date).

Or maybe some combination of all of these.

I gather your adult sons are living in this arrangement. What is their position? Do they work and bring in income? Can the three of you set up house somewhere else?

You are not helpless here. They are leaning very heavily on you. Once you make a change it is likely that the dynamics of the extended family will change, If you cut off the leg of a three legged stool, it falls over.

Wishing you the best.
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Reply to golden23
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JeanLouise Oct 4, 2025
I'd let hubs know mommy is his job as of right now.
(1)
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You. NEED. To. Leave.

Call friends or family and couch surf if you have to.

You are at the point where you are past required to take care of yourself and extricate yourself from this situation.

You are the only one who can rescue yourself from this.

If you choose not to leave, make sure your will and your affairs are in order.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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He chose her . Leave . Why would you stay there ?
Go to a divorce attorney .
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Reply to waytomisery
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See a divorce lawyer who will help you get as much as humanly possible from the heartless sob. Before you die. Please. None of this is worth your life, my friend. I'm so sorry for your miserable husband and his inexcusable choices in life. Start choosing YOURSELF now before it's too late.

Have strength and courage. You can do this!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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