Follow
Share

My mom in the past 6 Mos has been in the hospital 3x with chf and renal failure. Her health is just deteriorating and she refuses to go to follow up appointments. We had at home nursing come in after all 3 hospital stays but once they're done after the 15 visits she goes right back to not caring for herself. Over the past few weeks she has begun to swell again in the lower extremities and her overall appearance is not good. She refuses to make me her health care proxy and will not go to a doctor. She has told me she has the right to refuse medical treatment and just wants to die. I'm at my wits end cause damned if I do and damned if I don't. Unfortunately we have no family that I can lean on for support. My father passed 6 yrs ago and my brother unexpectedly passed 2.5 yrs ago. I just don't know what to do anymore. I live in NY (Long Island). My other concern is that she is refusing any medical care and I don't want to be accused of neglect. If anyone can provide what avenues I can take, it would be greatly appreciated.

Get moms doctor to write her a hospice evaluation. Tell mom she has every right to refuse medical care, and that you'll alert her doctor immediately so he can order hospice care for her. You'll be off the hook as far as neglect goes, and mom won't have to take care of herself or go back to the hospital ever again. Hospice will keep her comfortable throughout her end of life journey, and offer their counsel to you as well.

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position. It's very hard to witness, but mom does have the right to die w/o anymore medical interventions or poking and prodding. My condolences on your losses. May God give you peace as you navigate this next chapter with mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

My dad had a very long road with CHF, many rounds of increasing diuretics and pulling off excess fluid in hospital. Each hospitalization left him a bit weaker and with a slightly lower level of function. Life became miserable. It was hard to watch my much loved dad be so weak and unhappy. I finally came to understand he’d truly had enough. His wise cardiologist finally suggested home hospice, and dad chose this option for himself. He was treated well, actually enjoyed the first weeks of it, visiting many friends and family. He was kept comfortable and pain free. Hard as it can be to accept, your mother can refuse medical care, you won’t be accused of neglect. Hospice can be a great support. Ending the merry go round of doctors appointments can be very freeing. I wish you and mom both much peace
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Talk to the doctor and ask for a Hospice referral.
The Hospice intake nurse will talk to her and give her options. If she is not ready for Hospice then Palliative Care would be a step between.
You are not responsible for her, you will not be accused of neglect or abuse.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

Your mom is dying and please let her go out of this world on her own terms. It’s ok for her to die. She has lived a long life. We are all born to die.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Bulldog54321
Report

It might be a good idea to get some documentation now that M is refusing medical help and that you have tried to arrange it. It would be good to get it from a doctor, but if that’s too difficult, think of someone with some status who could help. Perhaps a lawyer, a JP, a clergyman, someone from APS.

This might make you feel happier right now about M’s (quite valid) choice, and it would be available if questions come up later. You are NOT neglecting her, and there may be no-one with any incentive to accuse you, but if this could be worth doing if it is not too difficult to arrange.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

She can refuse care and you ought to respect it.

I 100% agree with a hospice evaluation. If she doesn't agree to this then back away and report her to APS telling them she is refusing care. If she won't preemptively assign a legal representative then the courts will assign her one and it won't be you -- which will be a good thing.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

With her organs deteriorating at this rate and two major systems in failure it is time to look to hospice care for end of life care. She does not wish to be in medical system which I would reassure her is her choice for the end of her life, but let her know hospice will be of great benefit in helping her stay in her home for end of life.

You do not, unfortunately, give us the information we need here to help YOU, because quite honestly you are the only one who CAN be helped.
Do you live with your mother?
Does your mother live with you?
Have you discussed what care she wants to accept for the end of her life?
Is she aware that CHF indicates her heart is failing and that there is no answer for that but keeping her comfortable and keeping her lungs clear with medication, keeping her legs from swelling to the point of splitting with medication?
Is she capable of understanding any of this?
Have you contacted APS if she refuses care? She has been three times hospitalized? Have you reached out to Social Workers during that time?

If you cannot/do not wish to (and honestly it is IMPOSSIBLE to are for someone who refuses care) you need to ask APS about guardianship of the state.
Your mother has a right to make her own choices. She may wish to die now, and that is reasonable, because with both kidneys and heart in failure, living and treatment are going to be constant, ongoing, and a crucible for her and for all standing witness to care for her.

This, with an uncooperative person, is impossible to address. It may be your mother's wish to die in her own home, alone, but this needs discuss. You have had nurses in home. THAT WAS THE TIME to discuss this.

As things stand your mother will soon enough be hospitalized again. Time then to reach out for mental assessment, for end of life care plans; contact social services for help and be ready to answer the questions I asked you above.

As to being held responsible? I cannot imagine why you would be. But if this is a personal concern for you keep a diary of conditions day to day and of your attempts to get help for your mother, and her refusal of help. Again, if she is in her right mind this is her RIGHT. If she is NOT in her right mind, then it is on you to call the ambulance if you find her in poor condition. Unless she has that DNR/No Code status and an expression to her MD of a wish to die at home.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Let her die. She's old. She's sick. She's miserable. Let her go. Let her end her suffering. Get hospice in the house and let them help you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MrsLebowski
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter