My mother is mentally and physically draining me. She sustained a back injury when I was 14 years old and has been on disability since the injury.(I am now 47) Until my Dad passed away in November of 2020, she was his primary caregiver during the last several years of his life and I helped them when I could. Since my Dad’s passing my mother has become increasingly dependent on me and my two teenage daughters. She has had various health issues including another back surgery, broken the same arm twice that then required shoulder replacement surgery, and is now planning to have another back surgery in April. While I understand she has residual pain from previous surgeries and injuries it is getting to the point where she is excessively needy. She will call or text me multiple times a day wanting me to go to the store for her, give her a shower(her shoulder replacement was 16 months ago and she is still doing physical therapy and has a shower chair in her tub), take out her trash, do her hair, take the day off of work to take her to the doctor etc. It has gotten to the point that I get irritated anytime I see her name on my phone. I often find myself questioning/believing some of her “health issues” and inability to do things for herself. She is constantly complaining and whining to everyone about her health issues so much so that her siblings and their spouses don’t want to be around her and she doesn’t really have any friends anymore. I am an only child, have a full time job and two teenage daughters that are in multiple sports and play travel sports so our schedules are very hectic. Over the past year her dependence on us has grown. I have talked with her about assisted living and she is dead set against it. I’ve tried to explain that with my daughters schedules, work, and every day tasks at home that it’s a lot for me. She can’t understand that as my daughters are getting older that they are busier and are more interested in spending time with friends than with Grandma. These past few months have been exceptionally stressful and difficult because she is now resorting more to emotional blackmail to make my daughters and I help her. Today she threw in my face that I moved in with her and my Dad for a few months while I was getting divorced, that she took my daughters to school for me so I could get to work on time, that she had to help me financially when I suffered a job loss, and she tried to blame our stressed relationship on an individual I was in a relationship with. She currently doesn’t have a car because she totaled it. She claims that an oncoming vehicle was drifting towards her and she went into the ditch to avoid hitting the car. I drove past the scene where the accident occurred and it appears as though she just got distracted and drove into the ditch. Not to mention this is her third accident in 6 months. She hit a car parked next to her backing out of a parking space, and hit a power pole backing out of my driveway. She stated when she hit the pole that she slid off of my driveway, except the pole is at least 10 feet or more from my driveway. My oldest daughter and I have talked to her about not driving anymore and she became irate. Nothing is ever her fault and more often than not her memory is selective, the details are wrong or she changes them to play the victim. I am at my wits end. I feel guilty but I also feel that the stress and irritation she causes me is stealing my joy and energy away from my daughters. I have no where to turn and don’t know what to do. I love my mother and am appreciative of all that she has done for me and my daughters, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted. I have no life outside of my daughters, work, and being at her beck and call.
So, she texts you to go to the store for her. "I can't, but you can order from the grocery store or instacart." Wants you to help her at home. "I can't, but you can go to Care.com or XYZ Caregiver Agency and set up for someone to come and help you at home with shower/trash/hair." Wants you to take her to the doctor. "I'm working, but you can use uber/lyft/taxi/bus/senior county transport." Then, silence. Don't argue. Don't justify. Just give the alternative solution, ignore her argumentative guilt tripping texts, and go about your day. Put your job, your daughters, and your mental and physical health first.
“She will call or text me multiple times a day …” “She is constantly complaining and whining to everyone about her health issues so much so that her siblings and their spouses don’t want to be around her …” “… she is now resorting more to emotional blackmail …” “Nothing is ever her fault …”
Has she always been like this? On this forum we see many posts from adult children of difficult, abusive or neglectful parents. Usually the child is moving heaven and earth attempting to make the difficult parent happy, even to the detriment of their own health, job and children. But it’s never enough, and the unreasonable, ungrateful mommy or daddy must come first.
To outsiders it looks like a desperate attempt to finally receive the love and approval every child deserves from parents who withheld it. Is that what’s going on?
Tell your daughters to do the same.
It is very possible that your mom would do much better in Assisted Living rather than living "independently" (and she really isn't is she?)
You both may find when you back off that she really is not as independent as she thinks she is. You can tell her that you will be able to "help" her on __________day of the week from 10:00 am until 1:00. but other than that timeframe (or whatever you decide works) she will have to have a caregiver help her. She can hire someone to come a few days a week to help with things she can not do. Showering, laundry, light cleaning and even taking her to the store.
As far as driving, she should have a driving evaluation done. The doctor can order this. Probably a good idea since back and shoulder problems can result in reduced range of motion and that can hinder driving ability.
It is usually done by an independent agency and it is pretty detailed.
Are you even the PoA for your Mom? If not, you will eventually not have the proper legal authority to manage her care into the future, anyway. Does your Mom know what happens to elders who fail to put these legal protections and plans in place? They run a high risk of becoming wards of a court-assigned legal guardian who is not you. The benefit of getting her to assign you as her durable PoA is that you will be better able to get her appropriate care. You are not obligated to provide hands-on care if you are DPoA. Just a thought/strategy.
Please heed the advice given here. There is a statistics often repeated in many threads on this site:
30% of all carers die before the person they care for. You are near burnout, you need to reach out to agencies to see what the options are.
You tell her what you are willing to do. Explain one more time you work. This takes, up at the least, 10 hours of your day. Your girls are now teenagers with school, friends and extracurricular activities. They are going to enjoy these years and can no longer help her. No more going to the store every day. She makes a list for the week and make sure everything she needs is there. You can email the list and pick up. This is done at your convenience, not hers. Tell her one call a day unless its an emergency. Maybe about 7 at night after you have been able to get home and do what you do and before you sit down to relax. Ask Mom what is she going to do if you aren't there. Because at the rate things are going, because you are overwhelmed, you could have a heart attack or a stroke.
When my Mom stopped driving, I set boundaries without realizing it. I was working part-time. One day a week was our shopping day. We always went out to dinner on Fridays and met two other couples there. Mom started joining us. I took her to Church every week.
You don't have to get her to understand why you can't help, and she doesn't have to agree. Take control the way you had to when your girls were little. Sometimes the answer is just no and you won't be arguing about it.
Good for her that she was helpful when you needed her. That was HER choice to do so, and it was temporary. Now you've been helpful to her for what sounds like a long time. That level of involvement was temporary too, it's not working for you any more.
As for her emotional blackmail, well that like every other manipulation tactic only works if you let it. It's good that you want to help your mother but it has to be on your terms, not hers. She will wear you down to nothing if you allow her to. This is always what happens in situations whe, a selfish person also becomes needy.
Like so many seniors assisted living is 'out of the question'. Until a crisis happens because of their stubbornness and they end up permanently in a nursing home. Sometimes you just hav to let a person fail. There are different options besides moving to AL. Would a live-in caregiver/companion be something your mother could afford? It would keep her in her own home. She may not even need a live-in. Hourly help may improve her situation greatly.
Remember, you do not have to take every call from her or answer every text. Set aside a certain amount of time per week (that you determine, not her) that will be set aside to help your mother. That's it though. Don't get roped into more, or taking time off from work, or letting her blown up your life and your daughters' demands and needs.
You have to set the tone for what the relationship is going to be with her and how much 'help' you're willing to give her.
The dynamics of that relationship never improved much over the years, either. But I felt obligated and guilted into being there for her at every turn. I did love mom, it was just very difficult to cope with emotional manipulation and FOG, fear obligation and guilt.
The website Outofthefog.website is a very good one to help you sort things out a bit. Set strong boundaries. Say No mom, I can't possibly do that. Develop a game plan that puts your needs and your kids needs first, and moms needs second. Wal Mart delivers food AND everything else they sell including prescriptions. Uber can drive mom around once you disable her car. Anyone with her driving record needs to stay OFF the road now.
Wishing you the best of luck taking your life back and learning to manage the Only Child Syndrome.
I like to think I'm well connected with my kids and don't parentify them but that was a factor in our decision to have a second.
From another perspective the longer I read people's stories the more it ends up being one adult kid doing all the caregiving work, no matter how many siblings they have!
There is only one way to stop this continuing and getting worse. That is to stop ‘helping’, and stop your daughters ‘helping’ too. Arrange to phone her at a fixed time of the day, and give her emergency numbers (eg the police) for any genuine ‘emergency’. Make it clear to her that AL will give her quicker assistance than she will get from you, and make sure that AL looks better than the limited help that you are now prepared to give.
You have been conditioned to do for your mother, even when you do not want to.
And now, she's abusing your daughters! You have to stop this!
You say you have talked with her about assisted living and she is dead set against it. Of course she is! She has you doing what she wants! You respond by trying to explain to her why you can't. You are wasting your time explaining or reasoning with her. You owe no explanation for your time! And your teenage girls? FLAT OUT can not be manipulated into doing everything a needy woman wants!
So, what do you do? Stop enabling your mother. Stop doing what she asks, and suggest another solution for her. She can hire in home care. She can hire a housecleaner. She can learn to use a ride service to get to appointments. She can order online and have things delivered.
You feel emotionally blackmailed because she helped you out for a few months when you were getting divorced? She's your mother. Parents help their children at every stage in life! Because good parents want to help their children to have a better life! She could have said no to the financial help. She could have told you that you couldn't stay with them. She didn't have to volunteer to take her granddaughters to school. You do not owe her for being a good mother/grandmother to you during a time of need. Well, maybe you do. But, I'm sure by now you have done enough to pay back her kindness. You do not need to sacrifice the rest of your life to cater to the unreasonable demands of a needy person.
Define your boundaries. Start right now. Decide what tasks you are able and willing to do for your mom, because you love her and you want to be of help to her. Anything more is a hard NO. You cannot do it all, and she needs to know that you can not do it all. She can find someone else to help her with the things you are unable or unwilling to do.