My mom is 78. She was once kind and sweet to everyone. More and more over the past few years, she's been critical of my makeup, my body, my face, my clothes, etc. But this past year she's really declined. Been in and out of the hospital twice in 4 months time, went to physical therapy. But now she's come home (I moved back home to help her out), she began acting weird. Like asking for her brush, I bring it to her, she says she doesn't want it. I just sit back down and she's screaming she wants her brush. It's incidences like that. But the constant calling my name... It's every 5-10 minutes. And I'm not exaggerating. I have a back injury and it's tough for me to get up and down over and over. I threw up 3 times last night. It's due to stress, as it's happened before when she came home and acted badly. But not this bad. This is so much worse. And I find myself yelling back at her and cussing right along with her and then I feel bad for doing it. But she's wearing me out. The screaming, the waking me up at 3 in the morning asking what I'm doing and demanding something else when I'm clearly in bed. I've said no a lot if I've been busy and it hadn't been something urgent she needed, but she just keeps screaming my name until I come. We don't have room for a live-in nurse here, and she'd never allow for it. We have home health and physical therapy like once a week, but they don't help much.
I need to know how others coped, what they've done, or what medication they took to make all the stress go away. That last one was a joke, but I am speaking to my doc in another month if I make it that long. She needs to see a neurologist. We need to know what's wrong but she refuses to go and find out. Like my name, I'm at wits end here.
If not she needs to see her doctor and begin the process of getting properly diagnosed.
You can not let her make the decision on this.
Use some sort of reason like...This is open enrollment time for all insurance and it is a requirement that she see a doctor in order to maintain her insurance.
You are in no physical, emotional, mental space to safely care for her as this is effecting your health.
You would not need a live in nurse. A caregiver would be adequate unless he has medical needs that would require a nurse and if that is the case she would be better (and less expensive) to be in a Skilled Nursing facility.
I would start I believe, by calling APS. I would tell them that you currently are trapped caring for your mother who is unreasonable and worse, UNDIAGNOSED. Tell them that you are now physically and mentally ill and at the end of your rope and cannot go on. Ask them to assist you in finding a way to get her in for diagnosis and treatment.
You say you have in home help now and in home therapy and these people are the ones you must go to, not a forum of complete strangers from around the world. Ask them to help you contact a Social worker involved with their services, so that you can discuss this with someone with the knowledge and power to assist you in options for getting help.
It sounds as though, quite honestly, however this goes, you may be looking at getting mom now into care in a nursing home. She is beyond management, it looks like, by one fragile person 24/7. She now needs several shifts of people with several people on each shift to help and manage her, as well as medical to perhaps help with medications for relief.
Good luck.
APS will help you, and she needs placement, which they will likely recommend. Go for it! Mom is really sick. You don't have to go down on her ship. Your main responsibility is to save yourself so that you can continue to be her advocate when she is in a care facility.
She won't get better, and home care isn't the safest and the best for her. I wish you luck in finding the best care facility for her and peace for yourself. Stop thinking you're the one who needs medicating when she is the sick person. Medicate her first, you second.
As for what she allows or doesn't - totally inappropriate to think she still drives this bus. She can't, she isn't able, and you're in charge now.
If she still needs full-time care after you've gotten her temperament under control, or if you can't get her moods steadied even with medication, you can look into facilities for placement. If you have her POA, you should be able to access her assets, including selling her house if necessary, to pay for the care, depending on what the POA says. If you don't have POA, then as others advised, contact APS and tell them you are physically unable to care for her, and let them take over.
Please don't let her destroy your health trying to manage something that's unmanageable. And yes, do get medication for yourself yourself if you think it would help. You matter too. How about your finances? Did you leave a job to take care of her, or were you already retired? You need to take care of your current and future financial situation as well, and not sacrifice your long-term needs to take care of her current ones.
find out your options
also sounds like her doctor needs to reassess her and she needs calming tablets
Her anxiety is high
my father changed fur a short time
we discovered it was his medication and the pain killing tablets were giving him almost Alzheimer’s symptoms
we addressed it changing his medication and finding ways to increase water and he’s back to dad fully in his senses
sharing this bit as sometimes it realky is down to the medications -good luck
If you're looking to medicate yourself for the stress, I don't think that will work.
You need to address the causes of your stress and find a way to make it manageable. A doctor's diagnosis would help to prescribe a medication for your mother to calm her and get her behavior more manageable. You can call her medicare plan and see if there is a provider who will come to the home, or try and set up a telehealth virtual visit with a doctor who can prescribe a medication, but, really, its just a shot in the dark for them without having a clearer diagnosis.
You can also practice self care techniques, such as leaving the room when you start feel yourself getting upset. See if you can ignore her, rather than engage. Try and remind yourself that her unusual requests and outbursts are coming from a place that she can't control. Try not to take it so personally. Still, if this is wearing you down, you need help. You can not continue like this indefinitely. Are you open to finding a nice care home for her to get the care and attention she needs? Or even an Adult Day Care program, where someone else will take care of her for a while, and give her the opportunity to socialize.
My husband has vascular dementia as a result of a stroke 10 years ago. He has driven me crazy with calling my name repeatedly. Or yelling for help repeatedly.
He's not able to express what he wants or needs. So, I try everything I know to make him comfortable. He continues yelling out - it's like a reflex action that he can't stop. I've found some success with medications such as Depakote, and Trazodone, which calm him and quiet him.
If you have somewhere else to go, you do not need to live with her. If she is not safe to live alone, then let her hire a live in nurse or caregiver - they can take your place. Or let her live alone and fail. You are giving her a false sense of independence if you continue to be there to do everything for her. This is already overwhelming you, and it's not going to get better. It will only get harder, and could go on for years. You need to make a plan to preserve your health and sanity, and provide the care she needs. You do not need to be the full time hands-on caregiver.
As others have already stated, she needs to get evaluated and diagnosed (she clearly has some type of deficiency whether it’s a mental illness disorder or dementia or both).
It’s not up to her to get help, it’s up to you to offer to help her help herself and then change your situation. It comes down to self preservation.
I think you are right to see a Neurologist. In the meantime, perhaps her GP can prescribe a medication to take the edge off of her behavior. She might benefit from a muscle relaxer or anti depressant.
Your mother needs 24/7 memory care facility .
If you can not get Mom to the doctor for diagnosis and/or placement in a facilty , move out and call APS and report a vulnerable elder living alone .