My grandparents will not give me information of what is to happen if something happens to either of my grandparents. I've gotten different answers and I am not even sure if they know what is true or not. My grandma doesn't retain any new info, and when we talk it is like repeat of the conversations before. I am out of state as well (12 hours away). My grandpa just fell and broke his hip two weeks ago and he is 90. I can not get a straight answer out of her. Every day she forgets what we talked about the day before. And every time we talk, all of a sudden there is something new she just remembers to tell me about my grandfather's health or she backtracks and says it's something else entirely. My grandparents have a will, but I have no clue what is on it. I am unsure who is suppose to handle what at all. My father is not in the picture and had many strokes so I am even unsure if he could handle anything if something does happen. My grandmother doesn't drive and handles nothing except for cooking and cleaning the house. If something were to happen to grandpa, she is so just dead in the water. She will not be able to handle what is to happen next by herself. I always assumed that I would be the one to handle everything since I am so present in my grandparents lives. Well, as much as I can over the phone since they live so far away. Any time I ask grandma to find out information of where things are in the house (as far as knowing where social security cards are, funeral arrangements made, wills, POA), she always tells me that "she doesn't want to ask anything to not upset grandpa". But someone needs to know what in the world is going on and who is in charge when things go bad. What can I do? Where can I start? I keep getting push back. Absolutely no cooperation at all. All I want to do it help and not have to pull all my hair out when one of them dies just trying to find the information that will be needed.
I can’t understand you.
You’re an adult.
Your grandfather just fell and broke a hip 2 weeks ago. He needs help. An advocate. I’m surprised you haven’t called the hospital, or spoken to him. Or if you’re able to (have time/money), visit your grandparents.
Your grandmother has memory problems. Why in the world are you surprised she can’t give you correct answers. This (memory problems) must have been going on for a long time (way before the fall).
It sounds like you’re just waiting for them to die.
And are you only interested in the will?
You said, “My grandparents will not give me information of what is to happen if something happens to either of my grandparents.”
But something already happened. Your grandfather broke his hip; and your grandmother (with memory problems) can’t take care of herself.
Why in the world is your reflex not to help out right away? It’s possible to help by phone too (not by speaking with your grandmother who has memory problems).
Your grandfather is 90 and broke his hip. Ouch!
How old is grandma? Do they have any outside help? Have you contacted Council on Aging in their area?
Have they thought about moving into an assisted living or a nursing home? They don’t seem capable enough to be living in their home without full time help.
Wishing you all the best.
Neither should be living alone at this point in their lives and perhaps since you live far away, should report them to APS as vulnerable adults living on their own. They will come out and do an assessment and make the proper recommendations.
And sadly even if your grandmother at one time knew where all the important documents were, with her mental decline I doubt that she remembers anymore.
Someone local needs to step up and get them heading in the right direction with their care needs before something really bad happens.
If there is no one ELSE (utterly and completely no one else at all) to act for your grandparents, it is necessary now for you to make a trip home while grandfather is hospitalized. You should start with speaking with Social Services if Grandmother is not able to do so. Granddad will likely be a good month in rehab but during that time you may need to get temporary guardianship and go through papers with your grandmother. You will then know if this will has an attached POA (they almost always do) and will be able to get temporary guardianship if your father is unable to take that on. (Social Services at the hospital can either do this with a call to a judge or can guide you in seeking an attorney. This is almost certainly going to require placement, which means whomever is poa or guardian it is on them to assess assets and get the ball rollling. This would be a HUGE job requiring you to "be there". If you cannot do this you need to contact the Hospital's social services and tell them that you cannot, and tell them exactly what you told us. The State will have to take guardianship at that point which will mean that no one else will have a say in ANYTHING whatsoever.
I sure wish you the best. This sounds one royal mess, and I sure don't envy you.
You could try just asking your grandmother what their Social Security numbers are. They might be buried somewhere in her brain.
People your grandparents' age tend to keep all that stuff in a safe deposit box -- at least my folks did. Do you know if they have one? If all the legal stuff is in that box and the person who should handle their affairs can't get into the box to get the paperwork that proves they're in charge, then you've got problems.
If you show up in person, you can ask grandpa to give you POA and get that going. You can speak to dad and see if he has any info you need. You can get grandma in to see grandpa, wherever he currently is, and have her ask him these questions with you present to hear the answers....providing he's still lucid enough to answer.
Otherwise, if nobody has POA, the state will take over and make decisions for both of them, placing them in managed care if it's determined they're not safe alone at home.
I'm sorry you're in such a position. Good luck getting your grandparents the help they seem to desperately need..thats the main thing.
I find it incredibly sad that grandchildren are filling in for their parents. You shouldn’t be saddled with this responsibility.
Oh, yes. I admire the love that is shown. I adored my grandparents but I don’t know if I could have handled the responsibility if I had been in their places. Emotionally, it would have killed me to care for them.
My grandparents were very kind souls. They always helped others in need. Grandma would sew dresses for my mom and my aunt. During the Great Depression she would also sew dresses for other little girls.
My grandfather was an excellent carpenter and he built many things for others. He even built us toys. When our friends saw our toys and they wanted them, he would build toys for them too. Sweet memories.
My grandfather lingered in the hospital for awhile before he died.
My grandmother was so in love with grandpa. It hurt her terribly to watch him suffer. She prayed often that God would take her quickly when it was her time.
Mom and I always said that God heard her prayers because she just dropped dead at the age of 85. No suffering whatsoever. Her heart simply stopped.
If grandpa will not do this, you will just have to give up. But do explain to him that without POA for Medical and Financial in place, the State can step in and take over their care. That means a guardian is assigned to him and grandmom. Decisions will be made by the guardian and his money will be controlled by that person, a stranger. That means placing them in a facility could happen. If grandmom has Dementia he will be her Caregiver. Not easy at 90. A broken hip is very serious in the elderly even after being operated on. Just going under is dangerous. Grandpa may still be in a fog.
Be aware though, being a POA so far away will not be easy. TG for the WiFi, email and fax machines. But without POA, you will be able to do nothing even if you have all their information. No one will talk to you. Social Security and other government entities do not recognize POAs. You grandparents should at least have you and Dad down for on HIPPA paperwork so you are able to talk to their doctors. But you can't get any of this done if your not there to implement it.