My 98 year old father refuses to get in the shower - though we remodeled the bathroom to have an walk-in shower with handrails and a seat.We have tried coaxing, reasoning, warming the bathroom to the point when you would want to take off all your clothes, trained caregivers, etc.The only time he gets a shower is once per week when he agrees to go to the pool. But, if the pool is closed or he is too tired to go then we are up to 2 or even 3 weeks without bathing,He has incontinence of urine and sometimes has accidents when he forgets to put on his depends - but still won't bathe.He says it is too much work to change his clothes so he stays in them for a week at a time.HELP.TryingtoStaySane
And you do this twice a week and on the days inbetween, you personally wipe him off with the extra large body wipes and help him put on clean clothes daily.
Your father obviously has some kind of mental decline/dementia going on as not wanting to shower is very common with those suffering from it, so it's time that you take the reigns from here on out and personally take him in the shower, hire a shower aide or have him placed in the appropriate facility where they will make sure he gets showers as needed.
It is very unhealthy for anyone to sit in their urine/poop filled diaper for any length of time, so please make sure your father is being changed and cleaned up as needed.
And since it sounds like you are perhaps at your wits end with this, the best thing you can do is get him placed in a facility where he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires and you can get back to just being his loving child and not his burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
I am 63 and it's becoming a chore for me.
Having a trained caregiver to help him with showering will help. Once a week is about all you can expect at this point.
In between, you can provide him with large adult wipes, if he is able to clean himself. I change my husband's diaper, and every morning, with the first diaper change, I use a bowl of warm, soapy water and wipes to thoroughly clean his entire groin area, then sit him up and wash his face and upper body with disposable wipes or a soft washcloth, then put on a clean shirt. He doesn't like it, but he is unable to do anything himself. By making it a daily routine helps with the cooperation. This is just what we do every day before he can go out to his recliner in the living room, so it's expected. He even helps to take off his shirt.
At this point, with dementia, you don't ask, or tell him what to do, you just do it.
He needs help. He is not motivated to do this on his own, no matter how you try and explain it to him. A trained caregiver should know how to provide a sponge bath in bed. Make sure you have the supplies: warm, soft towels and washcloths, a wash basin (I use a 1 gallon plastic bowl) disposable wipes, underpads, and use his favorite soap and cologne which will help him to feel comfortable. I use my husband's favorite Irish Spring, and he was a Brut man, so I add a couple drops of Brut cologne in the wash water. It smells familiar to him, even if he fights the whole bathing experience.
🙏I am 68 and pray “I am gone” before this happens to me!
Check with the drug stores to see if they have body-wipes (similar to baby-wipes but much larger). I remember using them when I was in the hospital. Easy to use.
for private area - we used to leave dad int he room to wipe himself or turn our back - mostly take off his pants and leave incontinence boxer shorts on him for him to wipe down and change. Its a lot easier than a shower.
we use disposable underpants (we also put an incontinence pad inside of those which makes changing easier - pull it out and throw it away (small bin bags and a small peddle bin to put them in. We actually used lined nappy bin which sealed in smells. My dad wasnt keen at first then it became routine. Hurry dad so we can have a nice cup of tea sort of thing.. give an incentive to hurry up.
Dont forget tho a 98 year old can barely move - everything is a chore where it shows visibly or not. you havent said if he gets helpers in? my dd has carers in now 4 times a day - it sounds if you havent got someone you really do need someone. (or rather your fatehr does) i wouldnt hold out for baths or showers tho - it just isnt going to happen or happen often.
i buy clothes 2 sizes up - to make it easier to put on and pull on trousers or jog pants or pyjamas with drawstring.
One of my doctors told me being dirty won't kill him, and just pick your battles. The most I could ever get him to do was I'd wipe him with bath wipes, but he'd still gripe and complain the whole time. Occasionally he'd want to get in the shower if he had poop on his butt. Or if I kept asking him to shower, he'd sometimes want to prove he didn't need help and wait until I walked away and get in the shower to try to prove he doesn't need help (which of course scared me because I didn't want him falling).
Now that he's bedbound it's a little easier because you don't have to get him in the bath/shower and he has no choice, but it's still a struggle. He will NEVER want a bath if it's up to him. Yesterday the nurse that helps me gave him a good bed bath, and I could hear him yelling at her when I was on the other side of the house using the bathroom!
Apparently refusal to bathe is a common problem with dementia. After my mom died I found her notebooks where she'd list daily tasks and she'd have notes saying she needed to bathe him. When he lived in Memory Care in 2020 they couldn't get him to shower, but he'd do the thing where he wanted to prove he could do it himself after they left the room (which I'd see on the camera in his room).
So unless you can find someone like the amazing occupational therapist we had, I'd consider it lucky he's getting clean once a week. Maybe you could get him to the pool more? I actually considered getting a hot tub for my dad because he used to love sitting in a hot tub, but when he wouldn't get in the walk-in jacuzzi tub I figured it would just be another waste of money.
You may have to just do your best with bath wipes, or they also have these no-rinse disposable bath towels that you wet and wash with and then just wipe off after. You can just do pits/crotch/butt cleaning to tackle the worst and get it over with. My dad acts like you're trying to waterboard him when he gets bathed!!! At this point I'm very happy the nurse helps me give him a bed bath once a week.
These are good references to print out.
Look at this Websites
1] VIDEO ONLY - https://www.uclahealth.org/medical-services/geriatrics/dementia/caregiver-education/caregiver-training-videos/refusal-bathe
2] https://oregonadvantagehomecare.com/why-dementia-patients-dislike-showering/
In part, it says:
Why Do People with Dementia Resist Bathing?__________________
* Sensory Sensitivities: Heightened sensitivity to water temperature, pressure, or sound can make the bathing experience uncomfortable.
- Sensation of water hitting the skin may feel distressing or painful.
- Emotional Factors: Feelings of vulnerability, loss of control, or fear of water can cause significant anxiety.
* Cognitive Challenges: Dementia may impairs ability to recognize hygiene nds.
* Individuals may associate bathing with past negative experiences, making them hesitant to participate.
Physical Discomfort: Aging-related issues like arthritis, poor circulation, or increased sensitivity to cold can make bathing physically unpleasant. Even a slight draft in the bathroom can be enough to cause resistance.
* Modesty Concerns: uncomfortable undressing, embarrassment = reluctance.
* Fear of Falling: Slippery surfaces, the need to step over a bathtub ledge, or standing for extended periods can heighten the fear of falling, causing resistance.
* Memory Distortions: Believe they have already done so.
* May not recognize the caregiver leading to distrust and refusal.
* Addressing these concerns with empathy can help reduce resistance
Strategies to Encourage Bathing in Dementia Patients_____________
Accommodate Visual Impairments: Use brightly colored towels or mats to provide clear visual cues for seating. Gently guide the individual to ensure they feel safe.
Respect Modesty: Allow the person to wear a robe until seated, close the shower curtain for privacy, and provide a towel for their lap during assistance.
Ease Fear of Water: If the individual fears drowning or the sensation of water, consider using a hand-held showerhead or a gentle stream of warm water from the faucet, using cups for rinsing.
Address Temperature Sensitivity: Warm the bathroom before starting, heat towels and clothes, and keep the bathing session brief.
- Dry the individual while still in the warm environment and dress them in pre-warmed clothing.
Promote Autonomy Through Choices: Ask / allow them to choose between a shower, bed bath, or sponge bath.
Incorporate Enjoyable Elements: Playing uplifting music or offering a favorite activity as a reward can make the experience more pleasant.
Boost Confidence: Compliment the individual on their appearance afterward and offer to style their hair or paint their nails to make them feel special.
Use Distractions for Advanced Dementia:
- a baby doll to “bathe” can serve as a distraction and ease resistance during the process.
Implementing these strategies with patience and understanding can significantly improve the bathing experience for both caregivers and individuals with dementia.
Gena / Touch Matters