My mom lives in a detached studio apartment in my backyard. She moved in to this apartment after my dad passed away from cancer in 2008. I've been overseeing her care for almost 20 years. Now my mother has dementia that has been progressing for the last 3 to 4 years. It has become more and more challenging for me. I have a family, work part-time and have a life too, just as my siblings do. I've reached out for years now about how lonely mom is and needs periodic visits from her other 3 kids and they just don't seem to do it. Phone calls are not enough! They make suggestions about next steps but then assume I'll take care of everything as always. I'm now feeling bitter and resentful and daily stress. At my wits end!
Are you asking just for visits or more involvement with care? What suggestions do they have? Are there aides that assist you with caregiving? What needs do you wish they would do and can an aide help with those wishes if siblings are unwilling? Do you have a plan in place for the future? Do you have POA?
I can understand the stress you are under and I commend you for being the care giver and providing a safe haven for your mother. Now you need to realize you can not make your siblings do any more even if you make demands. I would suggest you consult with an eldercare attorney if you haven't already and make a plan starting now with your mother future needs. It will be challenging for the next few months but it will be worth the effort in the long run. If you continue the same path you are doing you and your mother a disservice.
Get them together and tell them in plain language that mom has dementia and you cannot meet her care needs on your own anymore. It's to your favor that they are willing to discuss next steps for your mother's care needs. A paid caregiver/companion could be a Godsend for her. It would certainly help with her loneliness. I was one for years. A paid caregiver/companion can take your mother out places too. Stores, restaurants, to visit friends, the movies, doctor's appointments, etc... Of course this depends on how advanced her dementia is.
Adult daycare a few days a week could also be a good option for your mother if there's one in your area. If not, your town probably has a senior center. Some of them have day programs available for people with dementia. It would be worth giving them a call.
As for your siblings not doing anything but calling once in a while. Happens all the time in families. When a parent gets older and needy, adult children back off and the care of them usually falls to one. Especially when there's dementia. You can't force them to care more about their mother. That's not going to happen. They're willing to talk about next steps with you, and that's a good start. Make plans with them and let them put these plans into action. Good luck.
You forget about trying to get them to help.
Trying to change them will just drive you crazy.
You do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and sane.
You need to do what you need to do to keep mom safe.
If that means hiring a caregiver to help care for mom you use mom's assets to pay for that caregiver.
You can also look into programs that will help. There are Adult Day Programs that can help a lot.
You can begin looking for Memory Care facilities that will be able to manage her care if and when it becomes more than you can manage.
If you need to begin making application for Medicaid begin that ASAP
If you do not have POA for Finances and Health get that done ASAP as well. Since an attorney will have to talk to mom if you have not begun this process if they do think mom is cognizant you may have to go the route of Guardian rather than POA.
Stop guilting your siblings. If they are not visiting, it is because they choose not to and that is on them. They own that.
You can only change you.
You cannot change your siblings.
Look into adult day care for Mom in your area.
My 97-yr old Mom lives next door to me. She never in her life made much effort to have friends other than family. I had to decide a long time ago that I wasn't going to be her entertainment committee. We live in MN. If she had moved into and AL in FL like she threatened to many years ago, I'd not be aware of her "loneliness" and boredom. When she was more physically able, she'd walk over to my house and park herself because she had nothing better to do, except we worked from home and because she saw us staring into computers she couldn't imagine we were working.
Another option is to hire a companion aid to take her places and be with her during the day, or sign her up for Adult Day Care. Solitude doesn't help her dementia but it's not your job to fill all those hours. Remember that if your Mom has memory impairment, "visits" don't stay in her mind for long -- no matter who it's with.
My suggestion would be that you write (email with a record) to all of them saying that the situation is not longer working, and that M will soon need to go into care, with payment from her own funds. It’s true, later if not sooner. Tell them how much it will cost her, and that Medicaid is the longer term option. If payment will come (at least initially) from her assets, let them know that whatever her will says, they will likely receive nothing. If they are not prepared to do more to help, you will need to start arranging a facility.
It is possible that this will make them change their approach to visiting. If it doesn’t, it’s the truth when you are no longer willing to do all the work.
What if you just STOPPED? Quit? Say you have other plans for the apartment, and mom's care is too difficult for you to handle. She needs professionals to take care of her. Of course, if a sibling wants to take her, that might work. But do realize that at some point it becomes necessary for dementia patients to go to a facility where the professional caregivers take over. They know what to do, and they know how to do it. They're paid (with mom's money) to be cheerful and to keep her happy. There's always someone around to socialize with; it's impossible to be lonely.
Just because you allowed mom to move in after your dad died, it doesn't mean you signed on for hard duty until the day she dies. You need help, she needs help. Siblings are not going to help, and they've proven that. So - onward! Be bold, be firm, and say NO MORE! You can do it.
Now dementia is in the picture, her needs have changed, and so it begins...
she's on the "8th" floor and dementia has entered the room...
Talk with siblings and rotate mom on the weekends... each sibling takes mom for a full weekend once a month, since they cannot go to you.. they'll say it'll be too much for mom..so, invite them to stay with you and watch mom there...
look on this forum for all things to consider for our fragile LOs..
I'm sorry you're siblings have zero empathy for you or your mom. It's really too bad people just don't give a flying fig anymore.
Other than that, you can not make anyone do anything. It is their choice not to visit mom and there is nothing you can say to change that. It seems you have chosen to oversee her care needs, and now that it is becoming more challenging, you don't know how to step back from this role. You can hire in-home care providers - with mom's money, or ask all siblings to chip in toward the cost, if they will.