I’m very upset and frustrated. I have a mother who was never much of a mother to me. My dad (who was also abusive and selfish) did most of my care while she sat in her recliner watching television and milking disability for decades.
Now she’s begged me tolove my husband and kids (both tweens) in with her because she keeps falling. I don’t want this responsibility and only agreed to it because I’m supposed to inherit her house and she told me if she goes into a facility Medicaid will take it but this house is the only way my family will ever get out of the hell of renting.
My mother and I have almost no relationship. Due to her being lazy and irresponsible I have no respect for her and no love for her. I feel no love from her either.
I see most people on here love their parents very much, but what do you do if you don’t? One of her social workers recently suggested using a potty chair so she doesn’t risk falling going to the toilet and asked her over and over why she didn’t and I finally piped up, “Because there’s no one to empty it!” They probably think I’m an awful person, but I’ve vomited at the smell of my own urine before. I can NOT help with bathroom issues even a little. I make her coffee a thousand times a day. I make her meals. I wash her clothes. I clean her house. I help her pay her bills and do endless phone calls. I help her out of the floor over and over even though I have a severe hernia that’s getting worse because of it. But I cannot and will not help with bathroom stuff, ever.
She qualifies for a VA program to help her get into assisted living but it will take 5-6 months to be approved.
What can I do in the mean time? She had a caregiver who comes in 5 days a week for a few hours a day but I work a full time job, have a husband and kids who need me, and I was trying to go to college part time and lost it because of having to deal with all this. It feels like she’s taking away my entire life. It’s like caring for a toddler only this is someone who is in this position because she spent her entire life being selfish and lazy.
Anyone else dealing with parents who feel like an extreme burden because they were bad parents and how you’re forced to care for them even if they didn’t care for you?
In fact, we used to keep track of 'accidents'. When they started to be a few times a week and a resident started to smell because they weren't going to the toilet and cleaning themselves up, they went into higher care.
My contribution to the discussion is this. You seem to have made a decision to sacrifice your time and effort for 5-6 months until your mother can be moved to a permanent(?) placement in assisted living paid for by the VA. Make sure you have done the research and are very certain that this will happen and will provide a satisfactory solution. Consult an attorney who is an expert in this field if you haven't already. A mistake in this area could mean all the sacrifice was for nothing. Good luck to you.
for instance, in Texas Medicaid will not ask for money when there is a an unmarried adult child who lived full-time in the Medicaid person’s home for at least one year before this person died. Or there is a child of any age who was blind or permanently and totally disabled under Social Security requirements. Or the cost of selling the property is is more than the property is worth. Also, the state will not ask for money when this would cause an undue hardship for HEIRS. Now, all of the above is from the website “ your guide to the Medicaid estate recovery program.” This was under the Texas Health And Human Services, the state that I live in. Some states have what’s called a ladybird deed or Enhanced life estate deed. This allows the house to pass directly to A. named HEIR without going through probate. And through the Medicaid estate recovery program because it passes directly to the person, upon the death of the homeowner. Not all states have this, but I believe most states have a transfer of deed upon death. Do some research, and if possible talk to a Medicaid attorney that could help you with this.
I also have zero time to dedicate to this. I am pursuing a doctoral degree. I work 2 jobs, and I am divorced and bought my own house at 50. I’m always broke. There’s an inheritance and that would be nice and a huge help, but I’m not counting on it. She should use it to pay for full time care. It’s not worth my mental health which is finally in a good place at 54 years old. As for my house, who cares if it gets paid off. I’ll sell it if can’t pay for it in retirement. Either way I come out ahead.
DO WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU!!! You won’t regret it. You’ll experience guilt at first, and that is normal. That will pass. But by taking care of an abusive parent and neglecting your own kids, you are continuing the cycle of neglect.