I’m very upset and frustrated. I have a mother who was never much of a mother to me. My dad (who was also abusive and selfish) did most of my care while she sat in her recliner watching television and milking disability for decades.
Now she’s begged me tolove my husband and kids (both tweens) in with her because she keeps falling. I don’t want this responsibility and only agreed to it because I’m supposed to inherit her house and she told me if she goes into a facility Medicaid will take it but this house is the only way my family will ever get out of the hell of renting.
My mother and I have almost no relationship. Due to her being lazy and irresponsible I have no respect for her and no love for her. I feel no love from her either.
I see most people on here love their parents very much, but what do you do if you don’t? One of her social workers recently suggested using a potty chair so she doesn’t risk falling going to the toilet and asked her over and over why she didn’t and I finally piped up, “Because there’s no one to empty it!” They probably think I’m an awful person, but I’ve vomited at the smell of my own urine before. I can NOT help with bathroom issues even a little. I make her coffee a thousand times a day. I make her meals. I wash her clothes. I clean her house. I help her pay her bills and do endless phone calls. I help her out of the floor over and over even though I have a severe hernia that’s getting worse because of it. But I cannot and will not help with bathroom stuff, ever.
She qualifies for a VA program to help her get into assisted living but it will take 5-6 months to be approved.
What can I do in the mean time? She had a caregiver who comes in 5 days a week for a few hours a day but I work a full time job, have a husband and kids who need me, and I was trying to go to college part time and lost it because of having to deal with all this. It feels like she’s taking away my entire life. It’s like caring for a toddler only this is someone who is in this position because she spent her entire life being selfish and lazy.
Anyone else dealing with parents who feel like an extreme burden because they were bad parents and how you’re forced to care for them even if they didn’t care for you?
I also have zero time to dedicate to this. I am pursuing a doctoral degree. I work 2 jobs, and I am divorced and bought my own house at 50. I’m always broke. There’s an inheritance and that would be nice and a huge help, but I’m not counting on it. She should use it to pay for full time care. It’s not worth my mental health which is finally in a good place at 54 years old. As for my house, who cares if it gets paid off. I’ll sell it if can’t pay for it in retirement. Either way I come out ahead.
DO WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU!!! You won’t regret it. You’ll experience guilt at first, and that is normal. That will pass. But by taking care of an abusive parent and neglecting your own kids, you are continuing the cycle of neglect.
for instance, in Texas Medicaid will not ask for money when there is a an unmarried adult child who lived full-time in the Medicaid person’s home for at least one year before this person died. Or there is a child of any age who was blind or permanently and totally disabled under Social Security requirements. Or the cost of selling the property is is more than the property is worth. Also, the state will not ask for money when this would cause an undue hardship for HEIRS. Now, all of the above is from the website “ your guide to the Medicaid estate recovery program.” This was under the Texas Health And Human Services, the state that I live in. Some states have what’s called a ladybird deed or Enhanced life estate deed. This allows the house to pass directly to A. named HEIR without going through probate. And through the Medicaid estate recovery program because it passes directly to the person, upon the death of the homeowner. Not all states have this, but I believe most states have a transfer of deed upon death. Do some research, and if possible talk to a Medicaid attorney that could help you with this.
My contribution to the discussion is this. You seem to have made a decision to sacrifice your time and effort for 5-6 months until your mother can be moved to a permanent(?) placement in assisted living paid for by the VA. Make sure you have done the research and are very certain that this will happen and will provide a satisfactory solution. Consult an attorney who is an expert in this field if you haven't already. A mistake in this area could mean all the sacrifice was for nothing. Good luck to you.
In fact, we used to keep track of 'accidents'. When they started to be a few times a week and a resident started to smell because they weren't going to the toilet and cleaning themselves up, they went into higher care.
You are never going to get the house, it will be lost to your mother's care, whether you waste your life caring for her or not. And, you don't even like each other! Even if you wanted to, it sounds like her needs exceed your abilities. It takes three people to care for one senior, where are the other two?
Take steps now to move out asap, and leave her to her own devices with the caregivers. When the day comes that she needs a placement, the chips will fall where they may. Nothing you can do about it, its just the reality of it.
Your husband and children are your first and highest priority. Act now to reclaim your family and sanity.
It seems that you are risking your own mental health and wellbeing, along with your family's happiness, for something that cannot be relied upon. I'm not sure that makes sense.
I hope that whatever you decide, you and your family are okay.
You owe nothing to your mother nor expect an inheritance. Your mother's care has gone beyond your level and requires either home care coming in or facility placement.
Then you may get your life back that is more a value than inheritance.
She could live another 10-20 years like this. She has found a way to manipulate you to have her own needs met, just as she has done her whole life.
She will more than likely lose the house -whether to Medicaid, or for other medical expenses. What if the house is not maintained and taxes paid, or mortgage paid, or a lien is placed on her property to pay the mountain of bills she leaves when she dies? THIS IS NOT ANOTHER BURDEN YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE!
Separate yourself from your mother and her house. Make the best life you can with your husband and children who need you. What will you regret more; sacrificing your children, your marriage and your health to take care of a difficult mother for 20 years? Or letting your mother find her own way and devoting your attention to your family?
My mother’s bank called me in 2018 only after she had given away her entire life savings to scammers and her account was overdrawn. Turns out she also hadn’t been paying her bills and her power had been cut off for two months. My sister refused to help so I flew across the country to see what I could do. Her house was a disaster and her yard completely overgrown. As reluctant and frankly resentful as I was to become involved, I did as she had no one else. I continued to travel cross-country 3-4 times a year for seven years (using up all my annual vacation time) to take care of her affairs and make sure she was okay. Just one month ago her health took a sudden turn for the worse, so although I had just spent 2 weeks cleaning her house, mowing and working in her yard, and caring for her personal needs until I was spent, I turned around and flew back (2,900 miles) and stayed eleven days and nights by her side in a hospice house until she passed away just five days ago at the age of 94. With all the baggage and pain of our past troubled relationship, I would not have done things differently as no matter what, she was still my mother and deep down I loved her. I have cried more the last two weeks than I’ve cried the last four decades. As difficult as I understand it is (and trust me; I have had to clean feces off my mom multiple times and then clean up my own vomit as I was so grossed out), try to find in your heart some caring and love for your mom. I don’t believe you will regret it.
Commandment... “Honor your father and mother.” Even having a troubled relationship with a parent, your decency mattered to you, and so you did what you thought was right by her despite her disregard to be a mother who parented you.
You have already described that this is not working . So two things can happen .
1) You continue doing what you are doing until you can’t . In the process , damaging your health , marriage and , your Children’s lives . Mom will end up in the nursing home anyway . The house will need to be sold to pay for it .
Or
2) You stop feeling obligated to be a caregiver for your Mom . You are obligated to your spouse and children to be a wife and mother. You go back to school as planned , giving you the only chance to eventually stop renting.
Mom sells her house and goes into managed care home .
From what you described living with your mother would be a worse hell than renting.
Key Points About Medicaid and the Home
Medicaid and the Primary Residence
In most states, Medicaid does not count the primary residence as an asset while the parent is alive and in the nursing home, provided the home equity is under a certain limit (usually around $688,000–$1,000,000 depending on the state).
However, after the parent’s death, Medicaid has the right to file a claim against the home for repayment of care costs. This is called Estate Recovery.
Estate Recovery Trap
If the home is still titled in the mother’s name when she passes, Medicaid will likely place a lien or force a sale to recover the costs of her care.
The daughter could end up with nothing if no planning is done.
Options to Preserve Equity
Caregiver Child Exception (Medicaid Rule)
If an adult child lives in the parent’s home and provides care that keeps the parent out of a nursing home for at least two years, the parent can transfer the house to that child without Medicaid penalty.
The daughter has already moved in and is doing significant caregiving. If she can document this (doctor’s notes, care logs, etc.), she may qualify.
This would allow the home to be legally transferred into her name, protecting it from Medicaid recovery.
Challenge: If the mother goes into a facility within less than two years, this exception won’t apply.
Life Estate Deed or Lady Bird Deed
The mother could transfer the home now into a life estate deed (reserving the right to live there for life) with the daughter as remainder beneficiary.
Some states allow an enhanced version (Lady Bird Deed) that avoids probate and Medicaid estate recovery.
This protects the house but may trigger a Medicaid look-back penalty if done within five years of applying for Medicaid (unless exempt, like the caregiver exception above).
Personal Services Contract
The daughter could have a formal care agreement with her mother. This allows payment from the mother’s funds for caregiving without being considered a “gift.”
It can reduce countable assets (if mother has cash) and fairly compensate the daughter, though it won’t protect the house itself.
VA Benefits
The mother is pursuing a VA program (likely Aid & Attendance) which can help pay for care.
That’s good in the short term but won’t prevent Medicaid estate recovery later if she transitions to nursing home care.
Practical Steps Right Now
Consult a local elder law attorney immediately. Timing is critical because the Medicaid five-year lookback means transfers done without exceptions can trigger penalties.
Document caregiving thoroughly. Doctor’s statements, hospital records, and daily logs showing that the daughter’s care kept the mother out of a nursing home will be vital for the caregiver child exception.
Explore a deed transfer (if state law allows). A Lady Bird deed or life estate deed could protect the home if done correctly and not penalized.
Balance financial and emotional costs. If the daughter is overwhelmed, she should not destroy her own health and finances for the sake of the house alone. Sometimes selling, downsizing, or structuring shared equity is better long-term than burning out.
Bottom Line:
The strongest legal tool here is the Caregiver Child Exception, since the daughter already lives there and is providing care. If she can hold on until two years of documented caregiving, the mother may be able to transfer the house to her without penalty and preserve the equity.
But every state applies Medicaid rules differently and the details matter, so an elder law attorney in her state is essential to lock in protection before the mother applies for Medicaid.
Emphasized again: Consult a local elder law attorney immediately. Do not rely on anything mentioned here
Please think of your kids and don't do this to them. Also, if your mother's care becomes too much for you she will have to go into a nursing home. Then all the misery and work you put it to save the house will be for nothing because the nursing home will take it.
Want to know how you can become a homeowner? Go back to school and develop some professional skills so you can get a better job. It will be hard to go to work and school, but not impossible and not forever. Your husband can watch the kids while you're in school and he can get a second job and you watch the kids while he's working. Then save, save, save and you will be able to get a home of your own. There are all kinds of programs out there for first-time buyers.
Also, you're not being forced to be a caregiver to your parent. You are choosing to because you want to inherit a house. Don't be a martyr because you'll only make it worse for yourself and your family.
You don't have to do it and you shouldn't.