I’m very upset and frustrated. I have a mother who was never much of a mother to me. My dad (who was also abusive and selfish) did most of my care while she sat in her recliner watching television and milking disability for decades.
Now she’s begged me tolove my husband and kids (both tweens) in with her because she keeps falling. I don’t want this responsibility and only agreed to it because I’m supposed to inherit her house and she told me if she goes into a facility Medicaid will take it but this house is the only way my family will ever get out of the hell of renting.
My mother and I have almost no relationship. Due to her being lazy and irresponsible I have no respect for her and no love for her. I feel no love from her either.
I see most people on here love their parents very much, but what do you do if you don’t? One of her social workers recently suggested using a potty chair so she doesn’t risk falling going to the toilet and asked her over and over why she didn’t and I finally piped up, “Because there’s no one to empty it!” They probably think I’m an awful person, but I’ve vomited at the smell of my own urine before. I can NOT help with bathroom issues even a little. I make her coffee a thousand times a day. I make her meals. I wash her clothes. I clean her house. I help her pay her bills and do endless phone calls. I help her out of the floor over and over even though I have a severe hernia that’s getting worse because of it. But I cannot and will not help with bathroom stuff, ever.
She qualifies for a VA program to help her get into assisted living but it will take 5-6 months to be approved.
What can I do in the mean time? She had a caregiver who comes in 5 days a week for a few hours a day but I work a full time job, have a husband and kids who need me, and I was trying to go to college part time and lost it because of having to deal with all this. It feels like she’s taking away my entire life. It’s like caring for a toddler only this is someone who is in this position because she spent her entire life being selfish and lazy.
Anyone else dealing with parents who feel like an extreme burden because they were bad parents and how you’re forced to care for them even if they didn’t care for you?
I’d say the rent cost would be worth not living with her!
My dad tried this with me and I ended up spending three years with a disabled sister who I ended up having to place in a group home. No, I did not end up with the house.
If you did not have a relationship with your mom, don't punish yourself by taking on this burden. Many of us feel like we need a ton of therapy. We don't. We learn to say no and make sound decisions. We are not old age insurance for lazy and abusive parents who wouldn't give two shakes about us if the shoe was on the other foot..
Medicaid rarely pays for Assited living. My State you must pay privately for at least two years for Medicaid to pay. The AL has to except Medicaid and have a Medicaid room available.
Aid and Attendance is only for Vets and spouses where the Vet has been in the military during a war. I just looked it up and the most a surviving spouse would get is approximatrly $1500 a month. The amount you receive depends on a lot of factors. 1500 will not pay for an AL. My Mom paid 6k a month for an AL 9 years ago.
As to how much you attempt to take on in caring for a parent, that is entirely up to you, entirely your choice, and should be thought out according to the wants and needs for your OWN life. You are a grownup now, not a child caught in the web of problematic parents. You need to take ownership now of your own life and your own decisions for that life. Throwing yourself upon the burning funeral pyre of your parents will not make ANYONE'S life better.
I sure wish you a lot of luck. This is your one life. What we do with our one life comes largely out of habits we picked up early in that life.
My FIL was an abusive narcissist. He physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused my DH and SIL their entire childhood. And continued to mentally, emotionally and verbally abuse them in adulthood. He was a nasty, mean, ugly person. He cared about no one's needs but his own.
He at one point told my DH that he would need to LEAVE myself and our daughters to come take care of him.
He did not like me because he expected me to get in line like the children he had years to manipulate and couldn't stand that he didn't scare me in any way.
What did I learn?
That a person should NEVER be a caregiver to someone who has been abusive to them. Period. It's a very bad idea. There were 4 of us...and we kept each other sane. But it was quite frankly the worst time in our lives.
I will also say this...tread very, very carefully in the quest for the house. All you have to do is read stories here to see how that has completely backfired on people over and over. How Medicaid can and will require the sale of the home and take the proceeds if her care is covered by them. If her care is already this difficult, it will only get worse.
I did not know that the VA would cover assisted living. We were only told that the VA would cover some or all of Skilled Nursing Facility care. And that was based on availability and In Service disability rating. The biggest blessing we ever had with FIL was that he got into a VA home about an hour away, and after 2 months of private pay his IS disability rating was declared, and they paid for 100% after that.
I don't mean to put too fine of a point on it, because everyone's situation is different. But honestly - it sounds like your situation is similar to my SIL and her DH. They moved into my FIL's home because it benefitted them as well. And I can promise you while they benefitted monetarily...the emotional and physical toll was so much worse...it was never really worth it. And they came out of it in the end even worse than when they went in.
So let me say it this way...from experience. No one is forced to care for their aging parents. Even a choice between one bad thing and another bad thing is a choice. You will be so much better off renting your own home, ensuring that she is in a facility where she has 24/7 care and you can go back to taking care of yourself and your family. Even if you rent for the rest of your life, it is still preferable to what you have already gone through and will continue to go through in the pursuit of this home.
An inheritance is not an inheritance until someone has passed on. If you have nothing in writing...you will be out of luck. You don't mention siblings...but keep in mind...that if you do...you aren't the only one that stands to inherit.
She qualifies for Aid and Attendance through the VA through her husband who was active duty in Vietnam. It would pay for assisted living but NOT a nursing home and she’s almost bad off enough to need that.
I believe that a person that has been abused, and abuse can be any physical, mental, emotional abuse, should NOT be a caregiver for the person that abused them OR for the person that allowed the abuse to continue.
I think in your situation since she is able to get VA benefits you should talk to the VA Social Worker and explain the situation. And that you are physically and mentally unable to safely care for her at home.
Ask if there are VA Medical Foster Homes in your area.
Ask if mom can be placed for Respite for a while.
If you had not mentioned that she was eligible for VA benefits my suggestion to you would be to walk away from this...is putting your husband, your kids through the same h311 you went through when you were younger (and still going through it) worth the price you and they are paying now?
Unless she signs over the house to you or shows you a legal, finalized Will where it says you get the house, there is a risk that you may not get it if you aren't the only sibling or heir.
If she does sign the house over to you, there are tax implications for you and a Medicaid "gifting" problem for her.
If she does qualify for Medicaid and use its benefits to pay for any care, Medicaid puts a lein on the house that the next owner needs to satisfy. The amount varies by recipient. You can't sell a house with a lein on it, either.
Owning a house is often more money that renting once you factor in taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance and repairs. I'm assuming the house is completely paid off... if not, that's another issue.
Some very unwise caregiving decisions are made due to expectations or promises of inheritances. Will you Mom actually voluntarily go into the VA AL that is available to her? This is another issue: elders will say "yes" right up to the moment they have to actually move.
Right now are you even the PoA for your Mom? I wouldn't continue your current situation without her making you her durable PoA for both financial and medical, and creating a legitimate will leaving you the house. Then you will need to ponder all the other issues impacting your decision.
She does want me to have PoA and we will be taking steps to do that soon. The main thing is she wanted me to be here in it in case she does go to a facility so it doesn’t get taken over by squatters or fall into disrepair when she’s not here.
The house is completely paid off. She’s a year behind on taxes but has the money to pay it and plans to go do that this week now that she’s finally out of the rehab facility she was in for about three weeks. I make six figures and can afford to maintain it.
Main reason I want to inherit it is because every time we have ever saved a down payment we have had a catastrophe come along and take it and we start at square one again. Most recently it was my husband getting into a car wreck and needing spinal fusion surgery and we had to pay the deductible to get it because the other party was uninsured and we didn’t have uninsured motorist.
You entered into a Quid Pro Quo that is not working out. Never rely on an inheritance with a declining elder.
What happened to your previous residence?
You and your family need to find another residence if the previous one is not there anymore. Resign from caregiving. Give your mother the names of agencies, eldercare attornies and live your life independently. If things are truly and were truly as bad as your post indicates you need a clean break.
I think people often assume that a bad situation is God testing our strength and endurance, but sometimes it's the fact that God gave us free will and we made a bad choice, and we are experiencing the consequences. I imagine God hears some of our prayers for strength and is thinking..."why do you keep doing the things that cause this?"
So now you are living with your bad decision and putting your entire family through this hell that you're now living in. What's wrong with that picture? And is it really worth it?
I would personally rather continue renting the rest of my life than live and have to care for someone who I don't love nor that loves me.
And you obviously haven't been on this forum long if you think that most people on here "love their parents very much" as there have been many like you(myself included)who were abused from either both parents or one of them, and have/had opted NOT to have anything to do with their parent(s) care so as to save their mental and spiritual health.
I believe at this point that you need to start looking for a new place to live and let your mother figure out her care plan going forward, as you and your family deserve SO much better.
It's time to break this horrible cycle of dysfunction and only you can do that. So I wish you well in doing just that.