About 2 years ago; my elderly mother informed me that she needed to move in with me because things were not working out living with my sister. I allowed her to move into the spare room after my grown daughter moved out and I knew she'd depend on me to get her to doctor appointments, take her to the store, etc.
Little by little, she started wanting me to start taking more and more responsibility for things I'm not willing to be responsible for. I don't want to be handling her business matters. I don't want any of her assets when she passes either; and honestly, she doesn't have a lot to pass on. My dad put all their money into precious metals; which is just the worst idea I've ever heard. She can't spend it like a liquid asset; it has to be cashed in with the same company he bought it from. (If anyone is considering falling for that scam, just say no.) Her helplessness extends to the point where she will ask me to wake her up in the morning and that tiny little abdication of responsibility is indicative of the problem I have with her.
I don't want her financial business to fall to me. I had my life arranged in a way I could cope with and I'm doing everything I can to avoid what she keeps wanting to plop into my lap. Even her emotional needs are too much for me to attend to. I avoid everything I can, and resent everything I can't avoid. I am 59 years old, divorced and my youngest kid had JUST left home when this all started. This was supposed to me my time. I'd made room in my life for that. I'd downsize; I'd simplified; I'd KonMari'd; I'd cancelled cable; and, I never installed a landline. I'd planned on traveling overseas; going on fly-fishing road trips, camping. I planned on many trips to visit my new grandchild. I planned on eating cereal for dinner when I felt like it. I'd JUST GOTTEN SOBER.
This situation has ruined my life; and the only way it could be worse, is if I had to be responsible for managing her business too.
How do you get her out of your life? You may need to talk to an eldercare attorney about evicting her and arranging to have her placed in a facility.
Unfortunately you let your mother move in with you.
That is going to make it ever so much more difficult to remedy this all.
First of all explain to your mother that you are very sorry, but your limitations don't allow you to care for her in your home, nor is it working out for YOU to live with her. That she will have now to go into care. Then hire a fiduciary to handle your Mom's finances, to arrange all of her bills so that they are automatically withdrawn or are sent to him or to her. This is often about 90.00 an hour and once arranged takes only several hours a month at most to do the work. This is something Mom will pay for, just as she would if she did not have a daughter.
Tell your Mom exactly what you are willing to do and what you are not. Tell her she will need care so she can access transit to appointments and so on.
Be honest. Tell her you will not abandon her, but that sadly you are unwilling to take on her care in the home. That you will assist her when Covid is over or she is vaccinated or care places are vaccinated to find a good placement choice given what assets she has now that Dad squandered their funds on a bad scheme.
There is no reason to sacrifice your own life on the next several decades of misery, nor your sobriety.
I wish you good luck. This is again something without a good answer. Not everything can be fixed. There is no easy answer to the fact our elders now live on to the age of 100, leaving us 80 years old and bereft of everything we should have enjoyed in some of the last carefree years of our lives. Some choose to sacrifice their lives on this altar. I would not be capable of that. Only you can decide if you wish to do that or not.
I suggest that you and mom look for Assisted Living facility.
Contact an Elder Care Attorney and set up plans that the attorney can handle financial matters for mom. There are people that do this professionally!
Might even want to ask about cashing in all the "precious metals" and place the funds in a Trust that mom can have easier access when she needs it..
Then begin your life the way YOU want to live it, the way you planned on doing it.
If mom balks at Assisted Living (and as long as she is safe by herself) plan a nice L O N G trip and then just go. She will have to figure out how to manage while you are gone.
That's all I needed to read to predict the rest of what was coming. You have the kind of mother that assumed her adult children would be the elder care plan, ALL of it. You have my sympathy, because my mother did the same.
I'm curious, what business is she conducting at age 89? Does she have decent financial resources? Leslie what you need is a plan to get her out of your home. Your profile said she is incontinent. Does that mean she can't do her own personal hygiene? I'm just wondering if she would qualify for ALF, or need more?
Either way, you have every right to live your life! Your mom lived hers. In a senior care home she will be around her peers, and get socialization.
Let us know what you are thinking, because it doesn't have to be this way, there are other options.
It sounds like you truly didn’t realize how much of a responsibility it would be to care for your mother in your home.
I know that I didn’t have a clue as to how hard it would be to care for my mother in my home.
I assume it was just as difficult for your sister. It is hard for any adult child to meet the needs of their parents.
I bet that your mom blamed everything on your sister and doesn’t realize how disruptive it is for her children to take care of her.
I believe that you are reluctantly doing your best but anyone that is miserable isn’t being fair to themselves or the person they are caring for.
I wouldn’t want someone that I felt was miserable caring for me.
Parents have a way of knowing which buttons to push. We have to learn healthy reactions to their behavior. Coping skills are essential to retaining our sanity.
Some parents feel entitled while others despise being a burden on others.
My experience as a caregiver has taught me that I never wish to be a burden on my children or my husband.
I found it extremely helpful to have the objective help of a professional therapist as well as hearing from people on this forum who have walked in similar shoes.
I hope that you too will find the insight that you are seeking to help you remedy this challenging and trying time in your life.
Please look into finding suitable and appropriate help for your mother.
Start by speaking to a social worker to help plan for alternative living arrangements for your mom.
Just knowing your options will help you to feel better.
Once everything is settled and mom is out of your home, the weight of the world will be off of your shoulders.
I found that I could breathe again when the heavy load of ‘hands on’ caregiving ended in my home.
Slowly but surely you will feel in control of your life again.
Wishing you peace and joy in this new year.
Nada
Goose Egg
Zip
Zilch
When I got sober I expected everything to be better. It's better now because I think and see things differently ... which takes time. One of the biggest challenges for me is to be compassionate with myself, then I am able to be kind, patient and compassionate with others. I consider my caregiving as a chance to learn about myself as I interact with others, especially my loved one, who's behavior sometimes irritates me. (Also it's a chance to be of service to another, making living amends.) It's where I can move out of being a victim and into making better choices. When I'm disturbed, it's about me, not the other person. I cannot change the other person. When I take responsibility for my reactions and determine where I need to change (usually it's some form of fear), ...things change.
This doesn't mean I shouldn't set some boundaries with the other, but I can only change me. This is the time to consult with others to see the choices I may have regarding help ... and regarding my attitude. Addiction is a thinking problem, with symptoms of craving. When I work on myself starting with my feelings ...and the thoughts and beliefs fueling those feelings, I have choices. I can "control" myself; never the other. Although the other person may change because I'm different, but no guarantee with that.
Wishing you all the best, and encouraging you to work on developing your sobriety (a never-ending work) through real life events like the one God has presented to you. It's great that you reached out to us on this forum. Please know you are not alone, many of us are dealing with difficult challenges. Keep going, keep reaching out to others - here and in recovery - and keep the faith. My faith is God and Her/His agents, other humans, will help me grow into love. Then everything I see and do is beautiful because I see it that way.
Remember that because of the novel coronavirus, you wouldn’t have been able to travel and get out anyway. Look at this as an air lock between your past and future life. Use the time to plan. If your mom has assets, find her an assisted living facility. A good one will provide help with meals, cleaning, and socialization - it sounds like your mom could be battling depression, and being around others and making friends might help.
I don’t know what your living situation is, but a last resort might be to move to a smaller place, or tell your mom you are going to do that, so she needs to find a different place to stay.
At this point, you need to have a serious conversation with your mother about boundaries and what you will and will not do from here on...
(Even before that, the paperwork (POA, medical POA, will/trust, etc) need to be done, as many other posters have described.)
Maybe sge can use her Cash from the precious metal investment and pay for a Caregiver ?
This wasn't a friend asking to crash on your couch for a week. This is an elderly parent who needs companionship, assistance and care. Did you ask your sister what the issues were and why your mom was moving out? That might have given you a clue as to why you should have said no. That is water under the bridge now. You and your sister are going to have to work together with your mom and come up with a plan for her to move into assisted living or something comparable. Just tell your mom that you have some extended traveling to do and you will not be home and you don't think it's safe to leave her there alone. You are going to have to par-lay your trips until you get mom settled somewhere and even once you do get her settled, you and your sister are going to have to manage her finances and care.
I don't know of anyone who doesn't have some responsibility to someone or something. A spouse, a job, a child, a parent, a girlfriend, a dog, etc... the key is to make good choices in relation to those things. She is your mom. You don't want her living with you, but that doesn't mean you can't help her get settled elsewhere.
That being said, you need to talk with your sibling(s) about your mom and her care. Discuss who will be mom's advocate for financial and medical - then get her to a lawyer to get those powers of attorney drawn up. Make sure mom has a will and have somebody agree to be executor of her estate when she passes. If family members do not want these responsibilities, check with her doctor and banker about assuming these responsibilities. Have mom evaluated by a doctor for mental competency. From what you describe, your mother may also need to be evaluated for mental health issues.
After these evaluations, you need a family meeting to discuss mom's living situation. Since you do not want her living with you and she doesn't want to live with your sibling, it might be wiser for mom to move to a senior community or assisted living community that can phase to more care as she needs it.
Might I also suggest that you get a few sessions with a counsellor and attend a group recovery program (AA or Celebrate Recovery) . I congratulate you on your sobriety, but I know that these types of situations are very stressful on everybody. You could probably use some help in dealing with your mom/s behavior.
Your mom needs a better plan other than languishing in your extra bedroom. That’s a conversation you need to have ASAP even though I’m sure you would like to avoid it! This situation won’t likely resolve on its own and your sobriety and mental well-being are at stake.
You sound intelligent and resourceful and strong! Gather your support system and do some research on senior resources and housing in your area. It will be hard work in the short run to insure your peace of mind and sanity in the long run.
That said, did you get sober while your Mom was living with you (you wrote that your Mom moved in 2 years ago). In any case, I became sober 35 years ago and I'm one of the lucky ones because I don't desire alcoholic for reasons I have no idea. It's just the way it is.
Go to your meetings, talk to an elder care attorney and slowly get your Mom out. I wonder why your sister kicked her out and if you and your sister are talking.
Best to you and good luck on your sobriety,
Jenna
Some of us are already doing all of our loved one's paperwork, bills, and other business.
Some are changing adult diapers, as well as feeding and dressing their loved ones.
It just comes with the territory. You might have to end up doing this, even if you resent it (like me).
YOU matter. YOU have the right to your own life. The bitterness you have toward your mother will damage both of you. Find another way to get physical assistance for your mother, even if it means placing her in a Medicaid bed. Then, perhaps, you can visit her and give her the love she really needs from you.
Parents are responsible for their own retirement and old age. I just turned 70. I do share some of the care for my 96 year old mother with my sisters, but none of us will ever let her move into our homes. When Mom can no longer make it work at her own home, she will need to go into residential care.
My own plans include living at home as long as I can care for it and myself (with hired assistance, perhaps). When it gets to be more than I want to deal with I will either move into an apartment/condo with weekly cleaning service or I will move into a retirement home. All I want my sons and grandson to do for me is to visit with me once in a while, and share their personal triumphs with me.
If I make a mess of my finances (in good shape at this point), I will simply make do with a Medicaid bed if that is all my future finances allow. I try to make solid decisions and I am reasonably frugal so my spreadsheets show that I would be good until well into my 90's. If not, it is my fault, not that of my sons or grandson. I feel that ALL responsible adults owe it to their children to make plans for themselves so that their children can enjoy those final years, not find them a trial and a torture.
I am glad to see that you have provided for your own life. Good for you! Stick to your own plans and let your mother make her own plans for her life. She is responsible for herself, just as you are responsible for your life. Try to be kind, but be very firm. Her presence in your home is not a blessing in your life. Tell her to move on.
It sounds like you are in a situation that is untenable going forward. I applaud you for getting sober and your sobriety is the most important consideration.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. The biggest problem is that that you probably will not be able to get your mother out of the house unless she is taken out with an ambulance, or you may have to evict her. If she is any in any kind of physical distress, call 911 and have them transfer her to a hospital for evaluation, then refuse to take her back.
If that is not the case contact 211 or adult family services and ask them for help in getting her out of your house. She will have to go to a Medicaid supported facility of some sort and then you can visit or do whatever works.
I think most of us sympathize with what you are going through. Just take it day by day, do the best you can, know that isn’t forever. Please come back and let us know what happens. God bless.
I knew there was a time I needed to seek a MC home for my Mom. I was no longer able to handle her in her condo, keep her safe and still have my life with my husband. Now I am caregiver for my husband of 60 years of deep love, in sickness and in health, doing the very best I can with his Alzheimers and all the training I had with Mom's Alzheimers. I have told our children I never want to live with them and would be fine in a care home. I want them to have their own lives.
Ditto! To those buffoons who TELL us in so many words that our decision to place a LO is wrong AND then question if WE'D want to be treated this way - YES WE DO!
That said, you can agree to sell off those precious metals for your mother. I'd also read the fine print very carefully to be absolutely CERTAIN they have to be liquidated with the company they were originally purchased with, etc. Then she will have funds to finance her stay in either Independent or Assisted Living from here on out. If you have to become her financial POA in order to accomplish this, then do it. That's my suggestion. As her financial POA, you can make all of her financial decisions for her. If the proceeds are minimal, look into Medicaid to finance her care moving forward.
I decided long, long ago that no elders would EVER be living with me in my home, nor would I be living in their home. So, as financial & medical POA for both of my parents (I'm an only child), I was able to place them in Assisted Living back in 2014 and manage their lives FOR them from 4 miles away. This is caring for my loved ones, which I feel is my responsibility, but on MY terms. While it's not so easy, it's easIER than it would be if they were living with me in my house. Dad did pass in 2015 but my mother is still alive at 94 & I'm managing things for her at the Memory Care.
Wishing you the best of luck finding alternate living arrangements for your mother and taking care of YOU in the process. Congrats on your sobriety. Make sure you keep THAT as your #1 priority and all will be well.
OP's mother certainly doesn't sound like she would qualify for a NH. Unless it's an unscrupulous place, most have requirements for specialized care before one can be admitted.
Secondary issue is forcing the move. Even with dementia (per our EC atty) we can't force someone to live elsewhere... This will take some finesse.