My mother has chosen to live a life of barely getting by for the past 20 years. She's now 71 years old, but looks 100. She's not in good health (battling cirrhosis of the liver). She's with a useless man and has been with him for over a decade. They are living off social security which isn't much. Currently they live in someone's camper behind their house. They have no car. They rely on their landlord or a friend to take them to the store. They also smoke cigarettes! I dont agree with spending unnecessary money on an expensive habit that ruins your health. Her teeth are rotten and falling out of her mouth. I don't know what to do. I'm so disappointed that she lives this way, but don't want to be disrespectful towards her. I would take her in and take care of her, but I refuse to take care of him. I mostly stay away because I can't stand to see her like this and living like this. Do I tell her how I feel or continue to avoid? Btw, she lives a 2 hour drive from me.
What would you imagine you can do about any of that?
And if you think to take such a person into your own home and make it her home by doing so (as that is what happens the day she gets mail there), then if I were you I would think again.
Your mother will likely die of her cirrhosis at a relatively early age.
The system will care for her.
Please do not attempt to take on POA or guardianship.
Allow your mother to become a ward of the state with state fiduciary guidance when needed. They will do it all. They will hospitalize, will treat, will assess, will place in care, and will support through medicaid applications. DO NOT TAKE IT ON YOURSELF.
You are not in charge of your mother's life.
You are not responsible for your mother.
Attempting to change anything here will make NO ONE well and will make NO ONE happy.
Tell mom you love her. Tell her how you feel if you choose, but don't expect her to change. It is what it is. Its an addicts lifestyle over the decades, sadly. I'm sorry you're bearing witness to the wreckage, but don't try to fix something that's too broken to BE fixed. Just wish her love and peace.
You are not now (and never were) her retirement/rescue plan. You should not be her solution for any reason. There are other solutions, but you must accept them as such. When things get "bad enough" someone may report her/them to APS and the the county network of support and help will kick in. Not you. Never you.
If she ever winds up in the ER and calls you or the discharge staff calls you, NEVER go to get her. Tell them (and repeatedly tell them) you are not her caregiver, was never her caregiver and cannot be her caregiver. Tell them she is an "unsafe discharge" so that they will transition her into a facility that will give her appropriate care. Then you can go visit her as much as you want, knowing that she is safe, fed, clothed, etc. This is a continuation of the "minimum" life she chose.
Or, if she has a medical emergency and calls you instead of 911 you tell her to call 911, or you call for her. But don't go there unless it's to meet the EMTs and tell them to take her to the ER.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. She made her bed. Her current "existence" is her plan. Allow her to have it. Love her from a safe distance.
Know your boundaries clearly or you will get sucked into the vortex of an unsustainable and painful "support" mission. Do not.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart to accept this situation as it unfolds.
Sadly, unless an adult is proven to be cognitively incompetent, they have every legal right to make really bad decisions.
Even if she left the boyfriend, I would not move her into your house. You can’t save her. She won’t stop spending her money on smokes or whatever vices she has. She hasn’t had anyone tell her what to do and she will buck any authority you try to wield. Maybe a halfway house or group home would be a good idea.
Other than that, all you can do is wait for the cops to call you in an emergency.