She has dementia, the house is empty and mom wants to move back. Mom has dementia,she moved into a lovely assisted living facility 5 months ago. The family home is empty, no-one can move in there, and it must be sold. A brother living in another city tells mom that it is her decision to sell, even though he knows she is not cognitively capable of making that decision based on reason.When he visits, he brings her back to the home for up to a weeks visit. She constantly talks about moving back home and his refusal to get on board with us is causing a lot of anxiety, unhappiness and confusion in mom. We have no other option, we must sell the house. How do we impress on him that we cannot give in to mom's feelings about moving back home because it is not possible, and his attitude is making it more difficult for her?
It can be incredibly debilitating
She also can't make decisions that exist in todays world. When I told her that I had given her grandson a toy she asked how much it was...money being a real issue for her. She went ballistic when I said it cost (in US money) about 17$ said I was wasteful.
This is the same woman who then went to church and gave them all the money as in her purse (at this time I didn't know the problem) some 200$ in your money and then complained someone had stolen it from her!
My son was in denial about Mums condition until he spent some time (a few days) in her company and realised that she wasn't 'quite all there' Mum has perfectly lucid days but not perfect as in normal. Perfectly lucid as in she knows she has to wash and to get dressed.
I think what you need to do Nelsonjosie is to sit your brother down and explain dementia to him and get some print offs from this site to help him understand the path dementia takes and that now you have to act to a) cover the costs of care and b) get the most money you can for the property unless you could rent it out which might be another option
Then once you are talking explain that taking your mum back to the house is not helping and that he needs to take Mum to visit places she used to go to rather than the place she lived in instead. She will forget and unlike other ridiculous comments she cannot make these decisions now as she doesn't understand the associative implications of that decision
But you keep going back to it being your "Mother's choice", but just who was going to be there, to care for your Mom, 24 hours a day, you? For our Loved Ones with Dementia and other debilitating diseases and decline, its not always possible for a Son or Daughter to take on this exhausting task! My parents had other horrible illnesses that took their lives, but I have been caring for my FIL, in our home for the past 13 years, and quite frankly, we are completely beyond burned out, caring for him, as he has battled through Lymphoma, and general age related decline. He is a Narcissistic, and is extremely difficult to care for, and my husband, his Son has dealt with a lifetime of FOG, FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT, which is a horrible situation to be in, causing you to be resentful of them robbing you of your life, when they themselves have mentally abused you for your whole life, and he never spent, not even One Day ever, caring for one of his own parents!
I wish you would try to put yourself in others shoes, who have exhausted all other options for caring for their folks, and NEED the family to be on the same page, in further seeing that their parents get appropriate care. And you are right, no Nursing home is like living in a loving family environment, but sometimes, there is no other way!
My Dad's memory gets more confused for the rest of the day and the day after if there is a wrench thrown into his schedule, such as him going outside the facility to a doctor's appointment.
If your Mom has an elder law attorney, consider talking with her attorney about how planning for the changing care needs in the memory loss journey.
What is the prognosis from your Mom's physicians? How long will Assisted Living continue to be suitable?
With this information, and knowledge of your Mom's finances and resources, the attorney can give you some insights on how the house (a valuable asset) fits in with long term care planning.
If your Mom might need Medicaid to pay for nursing home care in the future, there are several different approaches to the real estate ownership that can be considered now.
Once you talk with an experienced elder law attorney about the Medicaid regulations in your state, in the context of your Mom's financial situation and her potential eligibility for other benefits, you'll have more facts and information to offer your brother on the decision to sell or hold on to the property.
That could help you and him manage the very real emotions that go with this time of transition.
I have been a nurse for 37 years and working as a visiting (home health) nurse for the last 4 years. Many of our patients are in board and care homes, assisted living facilities, nursing homes and memory care facilities. I have been in them all. MOST range from nice to luxurious. Gone are the dark institutional dumps of the 1960's, 70's and 80's. Today's "old folks homes" are a far cry from what they used to be. They are now competitive, wanting the high dollar payment but having to give something of value in return. There are millions of us baby boomers who are not putting up with the dismal conditions of years past for our parents or ourselves. We would all like perfect living conditions for our loved ones but we're bound by financial factors and health concerns. I had to put my mom in a great memory care facility in Rosarito, Mexico because neither she nor I could afford the $3,500.-$5,000./month cost in California. I'm very happy with the building, caregivers and ancillary staff and the cost is affordable. You do the best you can for what you've got to work with.
I'm sorry that your mother resided in a facility that didn't meet your standards. I'm curious as to why you didn't move her if you were dissatisfied with the "conditions".
As someone else said, life is on a schedule. Don't you get up in the morning and have breakfast or eat dinner at night? Even restaurants have hours when they're open for business. Trying to manage large amounts of people pretty much demands scheduling. Think... camp for kids, corporate business meetings, a normal school day, all of these have to have structure and organization to get things done and so everyone eats in a timely manner.
Now throw dementia into the mix and sometimes it's all you (and the staff) can do to make it through the day. People with dementia can be uncooperative, combative, obsessive/compulsive, have disrupted sleep schedules, be demanding, loud, sad, withdrawn or any other emotion that, for those of us without dementia, normally keep in check. Fortunately, your dear departed mom didn't suffer from dementia. It's a world of its own for the sufferer and their family, an existence that no one enjoys.
The seniors sitting around the TV at the nurses station may have 'wanted' to congregate there. They can see the nurses at work (and may be friends with some of them), watch a program on TV or just socialize with the other "inmates" (as my dad used to call his fellow residents at the b & c.) [I miss you and your humor, Dad.]
So what you perceive to be a sad situation, may be a time of fellowship. People so easily point a finger or make assumptions who have never been on the other side and truly have no clue as to what's really going on. Walk a mile in my (nursing) shoes then post again.
Nasmir, sorry as well for the loss of your mother.
I think we all need to be careful not to characterize all facilities as if none have them have improved over the last generation. I'll bet some ALs are less than lovely and some NHs are more than lovely and Memory Care facilities are all over the map.
All we can do is select from what is available to best meet our loved ones needs.