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Hi. I was wondering if anyone had any advice or experience with the burden of caregiving becoming something that takes over your life, and how to move past that to continue to have an adult future.
Because of my mom’s needs, my brother (29) has been taking care of her for the past 3 years. He doesn’t have a job, and lives with her. My sister (27) also now lives with my mom, after returning from out of state, and has no job either. I’m also 27, and the only one employed and not living with my mom.
With the amount of care my mom needs, I don’t think both of them could work full time. But how do they decide who does what, and what will having to care for her mean for the other sibling? Already my brother has struggled to get work because of the gap in his resume in the time he’s been taking care of my mother.
How are we supposed to get her the care she needs without ruining our own futures? Especially when none of us can afford to hire someone to care for her, and none of us have the stability or life experience to really know what we are doing?

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More information about your Mom's financial situation would be helpful in giving you useful suggestions.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You need to find a facility so that trained professionals can take care of your mom.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I am 60. If I become unable to care for myself tomorrow or at any point in the future, the last thing I would want is my now- 30-year-old son sacrificing his life, his job, his future, or any of his dreams to take care of me.
That scenario is my worst nightmare. Please don’t do it. Of course I hope he will call me and visit when he can, and if my husband is incapacitated, my son is second in line to make medical decisions on my behalf. But NO caretaking chores for my son. Ever.
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Reply to Suzy23
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You need to look at this a different way. You have a brother and a sister in their 20s who have no income and who are BOTH engaged in full-time care for a mother who is only just over age 60. This are their CHOICES, not something that is the only alternative. Their choices are putting a burden on you, and it could all consume many many years. It is also your mother’s choice, because she should have made a reasonable plan when she was first diagnosed in her 50s. This situation is selfish, perhaps because no-one could see an alternative.

The advice that you should see a lawyer (and probably a counselor) is spot-on. You are right: "none of us have the stability or life experience to really know what we are doing". However you should work first on your own head, because your own life is at stake.

You can rock this boat by getting a job in another city and refusing to subsidise what is going on. You are not responsible for any of the choices that have been made, and you certainly should put your own life first.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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What was your mother doing for income before her diagnosis? Is she receiving disability payments of any kind, or has she applied? A pension? Investment income, or savings? Does she own her house, or have equity in it? Spousal support (alimony) or widow’s benefits? This is the kind of information to take to the attorney for putting together a financial plan for your mother that frees your siblings up. Even if she has nothing, they will work with that.

I’m very sorry that she and all of you are going through this, especially so young.
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Reply to MG8522
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Take your mother to an Elder Law attorney. All three of you. Tell the attorney that all three of you need to go back to independent lives with fulltime jobs. Tell him or her that your mother needs a plan that does not involve any of you paying for her expenses, including care costs, nor will any of you be living with her nor providing hands-on care. He or she will provide the guidance for your mother to get what she needs using her own income and assets, then Medicaid if necessary.
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Reply to MG8522
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It’s time for mom to move to a place where she can be properly cared for and everyone else can return to work. If mom has money she can pay for a place, and if not it’s time to start the Medicaid application process. Her home can be sold to pay for care, or if the home is her only asset she can move into a Medicaid paid facility and the home can stay in the family until she passes. If your siblings need to live in it while they find jobs and get their feet back under them. When she passes the house will need to be sold to pay for her care, hopefully your siblings have their life back on track by then.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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PeggySue2020 Apr 14, 2026
The homes taxes, maintenance etc has to be paid by the children. Mom can’t leave money behind to do so nor can she or children rent it out.
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Your mother should not want her adult children doing this at all. It’s grossly unfair and wrong for your siblings not to be earning and contributing to their own future. Most parents want this for their children. I would never allow mine to be my caregivers. You’re not qualified as caregivers and should be out experiencing life, careers, mates, etc. Stop the madness and bow out of this. Let mom know a new plan is required. It’s actually kinder to her and will prevent resentment.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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