I was willing to let my mom stay in her apartment if she didn't want to move. I couldn't make her go. She wasn't eating, passing out due to dehydration, not taking care of herself, not taking her meds, etc. Finally she called me one day and said "she was ready to move." My sister and I moved her into a nice Retirement/AL facility about 25 minutes from where she used to live (and they accepted her cat) and was somewhat affordable. Since that time, she calls/texts me saying "how long are you going to leave me here,"I feel like you threw me away like a piece of trash," "did you think about 'this or that' when you put me in here." It's always me she does this to and not my sister. It's only been about 5 months since she's been in the AL facility, and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I frequently don't respond when this happens, or remind her that "she" was the one who told me she was ready to move. Doesn't matter. She's been on her own for a long time - she divorced my dad when I was 15 (and I'm 66 now.) Has never been a super happy person, is a bit of a bully and doesn't treat people well, blames others for all the stuff that happens to her. She asked to move in with me and thank goodness I put my foot down on that one. I have a wonderful husband and 3 kids (two of whom are still in college) that I'm responsible for and still need me - and I would never do that to them (nor do I have the room.)I just need advice on how to handle this. It's affecting my relationships with my husband and kids, I have anxiety about this. I can't sleep. She makes me feel like it's my fault she didn't plan for her future (no money, no savings, no plan, etc.) I also have my own business and work a part-time job. Any help on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.
Try to keep that thought in mind, and try to shrug her and her meanness off. Absolutely nothing in this is genuinely your fault. Mute her number on your phone when you can’t/don’t want to take her calls. Delete her texts unread.
Just keep an eye to make sure the cat’s okay. My mom’s cat was so loved by the staff at the assisted living several wanted to adopt her when my mom passed away.
You do not have to put up with abuse, even from your mother.
You have your own life to live, your own family to care for. She has had her life and is in the best place for her with all of her conditions. Take a break from all the emotional blackmail and gaslighting, otherwise your marriage will suffer.
“ I’m sorry but I did not make you old and in need of care . “
I also told her , “I did not make you old and I can’t fix old .”
Stop letting her place the blame on you . Blame it on her age. Tell her “ It’s not my fault that your old, mother .”
Repeat as needed.
That is your key to the whole thing. You are feeling guilty because your mother did not treat you well growing up. You are not to blame for your mom's mistakes and you need to let go of all that guilt completely. You might want to look into therapy. I've found Dr. Les' videos on Youtube very helpful. The channel is called Surviving Narcissism. You might want to go grey rock. Stop visiting. Stop answering the phone. The anxiety you feel is what your mom wants. You don't have to do that. I took several years off from seeing or communicating with my mom. I highly recommend it. Now I am low contact, and as grey rock as possible, but it's hard. Bullies need to be ignored, as they are not going to change.
Even if your mother suffers from dementia, bullying you is not ok and she needs to stop it. Now. Otherwise, you're done speaking with her or visiting her. Trust me when I tell you you'll be surprised how quickly she'll stop the b.s. if she wants to stay on your good side. My mother was famous for this type of nonsense too. And I'd tell her the exact same thing, mom, I'm not here to be mistreated by you and I'm leaving if you don't stop this at once. And then I'd leave or hang up if she continued ranting. Even with dementia she'd knock it off. Respect is a two way street. She doesn't get to treat you like dirt and you say Yes Please.
Good luck setting some boundaries and sticking to them.
You have your husband and 3 kids as your main responsibility, not your Mom.
Not your fault your Mom got old and started to decline. It happens to most elderly people in this country. When Mom starts the "you threw me away like trash" routine, cut her off right there. Tell her "you will talk later, when she isn't going to blame you for helping her stay safe!" Then HANG UP. Make it clear you are not going to listen to her blaming and/or complaining, when you have a job, business, and your own family to take care of. What is so bad about being in a place with meals, activities, her housekeeping done and a trained staff?
You teach people how to treat you. Your sister has taught Mom that she won't put up with her verbal abuse. Now it's your turn. Did your Mom take care of her own elderly Mother when she was your age? I doubt it.
Thank you for your thoughtful advice. I debated answering a question in this forum, but I'm so glad I did and I literally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder.
Of course it's not your fault. When you say she failed to plan for her future, no money, no savings, and no plan, who is paying for this nice AL facility? Are you and your sister paying for her stay?
I think you know well enough to ignore her hurtful comments, but you seem to have trouble letting it go. It still gets to you emotionally. You could try limiting your exposure, and your conversations with her. As soon as she starts in on any negativity, complaining or blaming someone else, immediately end the conversation, stop listening, hang up the phone, or walk out of the room. Eventually she will be conditioned to see the effect of her hurtful words and negative attitude - she won't be getting attention for it.
It's really no use arguing with her or pointing out that it was not your decision, but hers. That argument is going nowhere. Better to simply ignore with silence.
Take a break from her, spend less time with her if you need to. Your family and your business deserve your full attention.
If you're feeling guilty because you are second-guessing your decisions, and wondering the "what-ifs", if you could have done something differently, I think you know that your mother is in a good place; she is where she belongs, and this is the best scenario for her. Relax and be happy she is well taken care of.
Rather than engaging or trying to convince her or remind her about the past you just have to change the subject. If changing the subject doesn't work you can say "well I'll call you another time when you're not so upset" and hang up. Remind yourself that getting stuck on an upsetting topic isn't good for her either.
You know your not obligated to pick up every call. Not obligated to visit everyday. When she gets started, tell her your hanging up or leave. Tell her that leaving the AL is off the table. If you want to call her bluff, tell her that your not helping her move again. If she wants to find an apartment and hire movers, she can do it.
You need to tell your Mom a therapeutic fib: she can get out when she can demonstrate her ADLs to her doctor who will then reassess her for release. Keep telling her that when she asks (because she won't stop asking). Then just change the subject or hang up.
THis is a very common issue with impaired parents. You don't need to be anxious over it. Her mood, behavior and attitude will not change because it's a progressive disease. Medication is what I would recommend for her. My Mom was prescribed the lowest dose of Lexapro and it worked great for her, even years later.
You didn't break her brain and you can't fix it. Feel no guilt, but grief is appropriate. It is what it is and she's in a very large demographic of elders with impairment. Do what you can in her best interests and feel satisfied that she is safe and cared for and has a loving family. Count those blessings because many elders don't even have that. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
And then, the next time she complains, do it.
No phone calls, no texts. No contact. If there is an emergency, the facility or your sister can contact you. But you DO NOT need to and SHOULD NOT let yourself be subjected to abuse.
And then enjoy your husband and children, and sleep peacefully knowing that you did the right thing for her, even if she doesn't appreciate it.