"Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" (quote by Dan Pena). Ever heard that saying? My elderly mother has historically listened to her friends and taken their 'advice' over my advice (even when Mom asks me for the advice!). There are various examples of this going back many years, from financial matters, to those of habits and lifestyle. (Some background: my parents never made much money... we grew up simply with very few extras. At 18 I was out of the house, worked my way up, into a completely different socioeconomic & financial place in this world, far beyond how I was raised, through hard work and sacrifices, building my career and financial destiny. I've made good choices in my life, and took reasonable risks that paid off. I walk the walk and lead by example). When mom's winfall inheritance came in, she didn't know how to handle it and asked for my advice. As I do with all things, I put my heart and soul into it and created a solid, balanced plan for her that would have allowed her to enjoy the money AND have it grow over time, to ultimately secure a very comfortable future for herself. Unfortunately, she instead listened to her unsophisticated and marginally accomplished friends and made disappointing decisions. The money was squandered on luxuries she never had before and now there's very little left. I've learned to accept this disappointment even tho we have yet to live the reality of when the money will actually run out. That aside, there are now other examples of the influence of her friends, which, in my opinion, have worked to decrease her quality of life long term. She doesn't drive and due to a sedentary lifestyle, her obesity and mobility has gotten worse. All of her active friends have faded away. There are 2 friends left, and I know they mean well, but their 'help' has enabled her to get worse. They are physically sedentary instead of being active. They encourage her to do what is 'easiest', even when it directly conflicts with what doctors have said she should do. Because of help from us and these 2 friends, she is still in her home (barely), but I believe she'd be safer, happier, healthier, less lonely and better cared for in AL, where there are people and activities and healthy meals- as well as her own 'apartment' situation so she can be alone when she wants to be. I've toured some communities and they are nice. But, these friends have convinced her that she's 'fine' in her own home so we all plod along as her situation gets worse. In a few short months, winter will be here again... risks of falls with snow and ice, maneuvering getting her in and out of the car with her walker, the bitter cold for many months. How do I get her to listen to me over these friends? I am thankful for what they have done to help her stay in her home thus far, but when is enough enough? I am her daughter, and at the end of the day, everything 'big' will fall on me, not the friends. I've been the one there thru all her surgeries, for example. I've asked her why she doesn't trust what I say, and she never gives me a good answer. In addition to the advice, I've done a lot for her. Invested a lot of time and my own hard earned money. Is all of this because the friends tell her what she wants to hear and demand nothing of her, while I'm encouraging her to be active and make decisions that will make her life better and not worse? It's never too late. And what is the other option? Are the friends going to be there to lift her up and down from her chair when she can no longer stand up by herself? It's not that far off. I've wondered in the past if the friends were trying to get money from her, and I really don't think so. I mostly think they are bored and feel sorry for her. Your thoughts are welcome. I didn't even know which category to place this into.
Live your own life and let mother live hers.
Best of luck to you.
If she hasn’t assigned you as her POA then you have an excuse to not have to be involved if you don’t wish to. When she calls with a need or problem politely tell her to call her 2 friends. Or, call her county and ask for a social worker. If she squandered her inheritance then how would she ever pay for AL? You certainly can’t afford $4k a month and you should *never* pay for any of her care. This is the sunset years she planned for so let her have it and move on with your life. Did she orbit around her elderly parents? I bet not.
1) Invite the two friends to go with you for a visit to the facilities that your mother could move to. If they were more positive, their advice to your mother might change.
2) Stop propping up a situation you don’t agree with. Stop ‘investing a lot of time and your own hard earned money’ to enable something that you think is bad anyway. M wants to stay at home on her own terms, and you make it possible. Stop making it possible. Chances are that the two friends won’t pick up the tab, and so ‘home’ will stop being a realistic option.
3) Drop down on ‘encouraging her to be active’, if that’s not going down well. You may think it’s in her best interests (and you may be right), but if it’s not what she wants, she isn’t going to do it. She is much more likely to go along with comments that match her own preferences.
Any of these options is better than what's happening now.
As for advice, stop spending money on mom. Let the friends and your mom know the gravy train has ended. As long as you prop her up she will think she can live anyway she pleases and you will be there to bail her out. If you do not have POA, you might want to avoid taking that on. She is not going to be agreeable. I also agree with the others that she will not like a facility even if it is in her best interest. My mom complains about hers, but it has kept her safe for 2 and 1/2 years. Next time mom goes into a hospital start talking with her doctor or the hospital social worker about when your mother needs to transition to a facility and how best to do that with HER money, not yours.
I agree with JustAnon. Do not spend ANY of your own money on your mother. It's not fair to your own spouse and family to take from them, and you don't know now how much you'll need for yourselves in the future. Also, cut back on the time you spend taking care of her. You don't want to risk injuring yourself. At some point she'll probably need to go into long-term care and she'll have to spend down whatever is left of her money, sell her house, and then go on Medicaid. You don't need to be her perpetual rescuer.
I know it's all very frustrating, but she won't change at this age. Look up Mel Robbins's "Let Them" videos and book. She is who she is, she does what she wants to, and you just need to let her. Shift your focus to other things and people in your life that bring you joy, and learn to relax and let go with regard to your mother. Easier said than done, I know, but you deserve peace rather than this constant stress over something and someone that you can't change.
Let her fail on her own, if she's going to. And don't judge. Her choices are valid, if not what you expect or agree with.
As others have said, don't you use your money to pay for her care solution. She can choose the options that will be available to her and her budget. She may end up in a nursing home on Medicaid. Medicaid will also help to pay for in home care providers, if she is eligible. I know it's not what you would choose for her, and isn't up to your standards, but you kind of sound like you are shaming her and disappointed in her for not being successful and smart with money as you have been. I think it's Great you broke away and made good decisions and found success in your life! She did not. Her life will be different. That's ok. It's not your fault or your responsibility to fix.
Your first post in February. It says Mom is 80. It also says you have a Golden Boy brother. Does Mom listen to him better than you? You are never going to get Mom to acknowledge what you do for her. You can back off. She is going to do what she wants no matter what you say. A time will come when you will need to step in.
TG we never had to deal with my MIL as she aged. She lived on her own, 2 day trip for us, till 91 when she passed. She was a stubborn woman who wanted things her way. Her boys learned early in life just to let her do what she wanted. We visited, we called.
Just stop trying to control your mother. It won’t work. Apologize to your boyfriend and ask him where he wants to live and how he’d like to spend his time. Tell your mother goodbye and let her live as she wants. When she needs assisted living or a nursing home she can sell her house and you can celebrate that there is nothing left for your brother to inherit. In the meantime, go focus on your career, which means a lot to you, and enjoy your time off with your finally-retired boyfriend. Show the same carefree attitude about visiting that your brother does. Then when your mother talks about the two of you equally, it will be true.