I have my own family which changed. My children are adults and I recently separated from my spouse. There is a lot going on right now like lost my job and staying with a relative temporarily with my mom.
My mom has been living with me and my family since my children were born. I have been taking care of her for a year now, but she can do things on her own. She just has anxieties.
I have always accompanied to her doctor visits, stores, laundry and now that my family dynamics has changed, I want to l start living my life, especially began family and married in my early 20's.
I spoke to my mother that I would like to live on my own and now she gets upset and starts acting like she need more help than needs. She has sound mind and cooks sometimes. she does things.
I really need to start my life for me and I don't want to feel selfish or abandoning her.
I will be getting a divorce soon and I eventually would want to date, meet people and she tells me you don't need that and starts giving me stares, and grunts. I will be 54 years old this year and I lived my life for everyone, but me. I want this. I even applied to senior housing for my mom, but she rejects it and says she can't live alone. My brothers are not helping only my youngest brother takes her out for dinner and a drive occasionally.
How can I start this move?
If you are still in the same town, it may be hard to achieve
if you are prepared, and since you are in between jobs, can you purposely take a job out of town somewhere away? this could be a good clean break for you. with the geographic separation, then you literally cant take care of your mom daily any more. This may push her to have to go to senior housing then
I don't understand what that means.
You were married.
I assume you lived your own life, had your own husband and had your own life and you wish to return to that.
Mom can stare and grunt all she likes. It is as simple as saying "Mom, I lost my job and I am without permanent digs now and this is the perfect time for me to explore _____________(wherever you are moving)."
It sounds to me as thought you are over-worrying all of this. Unless you are a good deal more enmeshed than you should be with an independent mother, I am failing to see the problem.
It may help a bit if you fill in your profile for us telling us about you and/or your mother, because I am not getting the issue.
Wish you good luck in your new life. I agree with strugglin son and I often say here that the best place for grown children is about 1,000 miles from the parents.
Mentally you & Mom live together. But this is where you have already started, you are making your plans to separate into separate living.
Many people dislike or fear change. The current situation works for your Mom (hey, she has company & driving on call!) so she may resist this change.
You may need to discuss it many many times before she accepts it. Her reactions may be strong. From sad but accepting, anger & blaming you or outright warfare, manipulation, new falls & other neediness to keep you close.
Or maybe you are the actions speak louder type? Just up & go.
Would taking a casual, temp job in a town/city you lile appeal to you?
PS I almost thought I wrote this myself.. if a 'sliding door' type of situation happened on my life. My kids have grown & I could see how if my marriage ended I would need housing & how dependant my folks are/will get.
My plan if life presented me this path is a beach town I know, 4 hours away. Smaller than the city, but big enough for jobs, everything I need. I would rent a year to try it out.
Can you tell us a little more about your mom? You say that she can manage on her own, except for having anxiety.
There are meds that are prescribed for anxiety. Is she currently taking medication for anxiety?
Since you accompany your mom to all of her doctor appointments, tell your mother that you will be speaking with her doctor about her anxiety.
My mother lived with us after she lost her home in hurricane Katrina. She did have medical issues. She had Parkinson’s disease.
It’s challenging to have a parent living in our home, so I empathize with you.
I find that a relationship changes when we live together. I loved mom dearly, but If I had to do it over again I would have made her stay with us only temporarily instead of for years.
I would say that you have to be honest with your mom and tell her the truth.
Tell her that you want your privacy and that she will have to find another place to live. Offer to help find a suitable place for her.
Wishing you all the best.
Get your ducks in a row. Make sure Mom is stable then start planning your life. I too did everything for every body. At 74, the people who are #1 are my DH, my girls and my grandsons. My caregiving days are over.
Rip that band-aid off in one fail swoop.
You now deserve to start the life that you've wanted for a long time now, and time to think about what is best for you and not worry about your mom.
She's had it made in the shade for a long time and it's now time for HER to put her big girl panties on and get on with living and enjoying her own life unmeshed from yours.
And like already suggested move far enough away so you can't/won't be tempted to jump back in the unhealthy relationship you now have with her.
You are both grown a** adults, so time for you both to start acting like one.
Then drive to your new place and restart your life.
She seems of sound mind from what you posted and able to take care of herself, so leave her to it.
Are you your Mom's PoA?
If so, you should take your Mom for her Medicare annual wellness exam and have her take the cognitive test while you're in the exam room. This will tell you a lot, and also if your authority is now active. Maybe she passes, in which case you move out and let her deal with her relative who is her landlord.
If you aren't her PoA, then it is that person's problem. Move out, move on.
If she doesn't have a PoA I would certain be encouraging her to get her legal ducks in a row. If she refuses (and you feel confident she has all her mind) then "oh well!" just move out and move on.
Once there without you, she becomes her relative/landlord's problem. If you value this relative, you may want to have a pre-exit conversation so that they understand what may be coming their way. If your Mom has all her mind and there is no PoA authority active, then she gets to call the shots. No one can force a resistant adult to do something against their will very easily, or at all. Just so your relative understands this. They will need to charge her rent/utilities and know boundaries so they aren't assumed into caregiving your Mom.
There's not going to be a clean getaway because she now becomes your relative's problem... as long as you can live with this (and I'm not judging you either way) then just move out and move on. I wish you all the best in this new chapter of your life!
Then do it. What it sounds like to me is your mother thinks you're bluffing and won't actually go through with leaving her behind, but this is exactly what you have to do.
There is no reason why you've had to take care of your mother for life. It's not the child's job to take care of the parent. It's the parent's job to take care of the child.
You have to be very plain with your mother (with the family present) that if staying on and living with them is not an option and she cannot live alone, she will have to go to a nursing home. If she's not sick enough for a nursing home, it will either be a group home, or a homeless shelter. I think she will be very open-minded about senior housing when these are her only options.
You should be living your life. Enough is enough.
Let her do what she can do for herself.
Have a "family meeting" and inform all the family living where you currently are that you have found a place and are moving out on..and give a date.
BUT do not have the meeting until you have found a place AND do not have the meeting more than 2 weeks before you move. More than 2 weeks would give mom more time to manipulate the situation. (Ideally it would be less than 2 weeks but that might not be fair to others in the house)
Don't even tell her you want to date. Your next stage of life is not her business to comment on whatsoever. Talk about your personal survival! You have to focus on getting a new life going, have helped her X years and CAN NOT CONTINUE. She should have saved money, and she needs to get a low income senior place somewhere. She is in no position to reject anything...PERIOD.
Find the new job first, then rent a room in a private home for cheap. Usually divorced women have extra bedrooms for rent to survive. (check out Roomies.com) Mom can't come. You have 90 days probation at a new job, and can't blow it with desperate Mom distracting you! Get ahead then find an apt. in a few months.
I was divorced and lost my job years ago...it was hard.
Make sure you only tell Mom what you need to. She is terrible with no support after all you've done. Have a family meeting to ensure siblings are aware Mom is refusing to cooperate. INSIST Mom follows up on low income housing. You will be too busy dealing with new job and moving to cater to Mom for the next few years! You have already done enough...you owe Mom NOTHING.