When will I stop feeling like I’m lost in space?

I talked to my dad about this after my grandma had passed. It had not been a nice passing, but in the end at least there was relief. There was no more pain - more more of her begging us to kill her (before it was legislated that we could help her along). She had lived with us for 20 years, so was a very big fixture in my childhood house.

My dad said he was a zombie, kind of looking for her for about three years. It took ten years for me to not go into her granny apartment and not call out to her, letting her know I was home. For a couple of years after she had passed, I did it anyway. Felt weird not to.

Honestly, the reason you are zombie-like is because you haven’t processed the loss. You’ve hit the “pause” button, because the pain to too all-encompassing, too great to handle, and subconsciously, you’re afraid of dealing with it. That it will break you.

I would STRONGLY suggest you speak to a grief counselor. They will very very gently get you talking, and the zombie ness will go.

In shutting yourself off, know that you are also shutting yourself off to life. Feeling joy is like a betrayal to her, because she’s not there to enjoy it, and how dare you feel joy or laughter when she’s gone? But the truth is, your mom loved you, and she wouldn’t want you to live your life this way. She wouldn’t want you to be a zombie. She would want you to cry with your children, and tell your wife that you miss your mom, and feel grief and loss, but also love, happiness, and kindness.

All of us are sad a little all the time, because we know that at any moment, it could vanish. That’s what makes life special. That’s what made having your mom special, and why it hurts so much now that she’s not here to share the rest of your life with you.

But those that we love and lose never truly leave us. They take a piece of us with them, because we are never the same after they go. But, they also leave a piece of them behind.

HUGS, my friend.

My Mom had Dementia. She came to live with me in 2014. 2016 I was able to place her in an AL and later LTC. She passed in 2017. Those last 3 years Mom wasn't the Mom I knew. When she looked at me, there was nothing there. I mourned her long before she passed. When she passed, for me it was a blessing. I didn't have to worry about her anymore.

It has been about 3 weeks since your Mom passed. That is not long. You are still grieving. Let your body grieve.

With my dad, it took me until the one-year anniversary to feel completely normal again. I'd gotten myself all wound up about that anniversary, then -- nothing. I took lunch to my mom's place, never mentioned Dad because she forgot him within two months, and everything turned out to be OK.

My mom died the day before yours, and it was a very long time coming. I've felt pretty much OK the whole time except for a general brain fog that needs to clear up soon because I have to finish organizing her services for next week, clean the house, and get ready for all my kids to come home for the weekend. I finally got her obituary written and submitted to the paper on Friday, so that was a start.

I hate that her services are a full month after her death, but everyone in Mom's church decided to die at once, and the 28th was the best date we could get. I finally realize why people need closure, because I truly need to close out this chapter and hope the fog will lift. I just hope someone shows up to the services. The church told me today that with the latest Covid surge, only four people who weren't family came to the service held there on Friday!

JoAnn- Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read here, I really appreciate that. Thank you for your kind words and warm wishes. That was so kind of you.

Grieving is different for each and everyone, so I wouldn't get hung up on a when or how. Just allow yourself time to grieve, however long it takes.
My husband died Sept. 2020, and I can say that I now finally feel like I can move forward with my life.
You may have to start with some baby steps, by getting yourself out there more and interacting with the humans all around you. And eventually, you may just discover that you're once again enjoying your life. Your mom would want that for you. I wish you peace, but mostly I wish you joy!!! God bless you.

funkygrandma59 - Thank you for the support and comfort you provided. Your kind words are heartwarming. I appreciate that you took the time to read here and leave such a lovely message.

Fuzzyknot, you have had two big loses right on top of each other, you are kinda in space right now.

Give yourself time to grieve and to come to term with your new reality. It is early days yet.

Do something that makes you feel pampered and special, as often as you can right now. Get out and interact with others, even just smiling and saying hi can help you rebalance.

Great big warm hug!

ITRR - WOW, thank you for the new perspective . . . "two big loses right on top of each other, you are kinda in space right now". . . makes it all make sense! This helps a lot! Thank you.

When you have been a caregiver your world becomes so much smaller. Everything is focused around “doing” for someone.
Because of that you loose friends and a sense of “self”.
Then in a matter of hours your world changes. You are no longer a caregiver. You’re no longer “doing” for someone hour after hour, day after day.
It took me a long time before I could be out and not look at my watch and say or think “I have to get home by 3 because the caregiver has to go.”
It took me a long time before I could sleep through the night, waking every few hours to change my Husbands brief, or change his position.

You need to find You again. What did you do before you were a caregiver? Can you that? Or is there something you have felt strongly about?
I Volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I also Volunteer with a Veterans group. These activities help keep me busy and I feel good contributing.
Sure it is still difficult at times. I hear a song on the radio and one time it has no effect on me, another time and I breakdown. No rhyme nor reason.
Give yourself time.
Be kind to yourself.
And I will share this with you…
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love
((hugs))

Grandma1954, THIS IS POWERFUL!!! It's so eye-opening, enlightening, and helpful! Thank you for the support and care you put into this response. I LOVE it!

Grandma1954 said it well.

You have identified yourself as a caregiver for many years and now that role has ended. It will take time to move forward into new things. You could pick up some of the things you did before caregiving but now might be the time to consider something new.

Years ago I started writing (to myself) a document on my computer called "Wondering Who I Am" because I realized that after all the years of a living with a controlling husband and now caring for him, I lost "me." Maybe you could try writing for your own sake, not words anyone else will ever need to read. I find writing helps me process.

fuzzyknot: Imho, your mind may still be in a whirlwind of grief. I am very sorry for your loss and send condolences.

Remember reading about mourning clothes?

Wearing black for six months?

Wearing purple, or dark colors for the next six months?

Seems to me that we gave people TIME back then. Also, with the visual reminder, other people would know to be gentle with the mourner.

Maybe they had the right idea. To remind themselves that mourners would not even feel human for a year.

Can you metaphorically “dress in black”? I don’t mean to be depressed the entire time, but to give yourself permission to be sad. To slowly wade through the grief. For at least a year.

Perhaps even get some jewelry to wear, black or not, to remind you that it’s okay to feel the way you are feeling.

Best wishes.

I’m sorry for your loss. I was in your shoes last summer and definitely felt the fog. I can look back and say I busied myself with so much of the business end of someone dying, closing accounts, cleaning out and selling house, etc. that I was trying to avoid feeling the impact of dad being gone. There were a number of weeks of feeling like I wasn’t myself. Time is your friend, it makes things better gradually. I found being outdoors to be a huge help, taking walks daily and really noticing the world around me. And trying to focus on happy memories, we’d walked a hard road in dad’s last months. I tried to think more of the good dad I’d had and not the pitiful man he was in the end. I wish you peace as you walk through it

Fuzzyknot,
I've been through same situation in last 18 months with death of my mother in law (95), my father (91), and my 18.5 year old soul mate dog. I can say at least for me, the sadness, grief, guilt, the "what-ifs" don't go away or leave they just move into the background a little and come to the mental and physical surface off and on.
I would find a grief counseling service, group, church group on grief support to see if that helps. I couldn't find anything suitable until just recently for me but I felt content grieving on my own and trying to acknowledge every feeling that surfaced. I wanted to feel it, yet I didn't. It's important to not stuff the feelings down or they will surface another time and might be more complex thrn. It's not easy but a recent grief session I participated in said it well. Their physical presence is gone but their presence is never gone, do what you can to honor them, to keep them alive in your heart and mind. We grieve in direct proportion to how much we love.
God's blessings upon you as you navigate this road we unfortunately must all travel. Seek outside support and help if it helps. For me grieving solo seemed to be the most comforting but everyone is different.

It's been almost 3 months since my mom passed away, and I am starting to feel normal. I decided from the beginning not to take on any new responsibilities for a year to give myself time to heal. Except a dog. I had wanted a dog for several years, but didn't feel I had time to take care of one, so now I have adopted a dog named Spot. It's kind of nice to take care of someone who can be put in a crate when I need to run errands.
Besides spending time with family and Spot, I do simple, healing things. I "play" in my garden, and have worked on some projects - knitting, sewing, carpentry - all work with my hands that I already had some skills with - nothing new to learn, and no deadlines. I also did some major closet cleaning out with several trips to various recycling centers and resale shops. That was therapeutic to me because I felt like I was getting my life back, but might be overwhelming to other people.
Something that a lot of people have a hard time realizing is that your emotions are all yours and all valid. Sometimes I hear people say "I shouldn't feel this way." or "I should be over this now." Well, no. We don't control our feelings. We can and should control our actions, but acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to feel them.
Just give yourself time to heal. If you are feeling like it is more than you can handle, check into grief support groups.

After my Mom passed last December, it took me a few months not to automatically grab my phone if I was going to be anywhere out of earshot. Being a caregiver for so many years becomes a habit or a way of life so, like any habit, it takes time to make a new path. Not only are you grieving the loss of the person you loved, your life as you knew it completely changes in an instant.

At first, I had all the end of life notifications to make so that kept me busy. Then we had a virtual service (no regular calling hours or funeral were allowed at the time). I had put off going through boxes of things that were from the family house when it was sold so I forced myself to do that. We visited our kids/grandkids without worrying that I'd have to get back for an emergency. And then there was a celebration of life to plan this summer which was both sad and cathartic. Keeping busy with things that both remind you of the person you lost as well as things you didn't do because you were caring for that person will gradually get you back on track. It does take time, you can't make it happen any sooner than you're ready but it does happen. Set small goals for yourself each day and you'll feel good when you've accomplished them. Over time, you'll have larger goals and they won't seem as daunting. Eventually you start to feel more like your "old" self. This doesn't mean you won't have sad times or times when you simply can't accomplish what you set out to do but those become fewer as the months go by.

I'm very sorry for your loss. As much as we try to prepare for the inevitable, we are never truly prepared when it happens. As I'm writing this, my phone kindly brought up a picture of a "memory" from 4 year ago - Mom on her front porch with all her beautiful flowers. It still makes me cry. When she and I would talk about getting older, she would always say "It beats the alternative!" Oh, she was so right!

I lost a nephew and my mom within three weeks of one another.

I was numb. Couldn’t function. I had a virtual with my doc. First she said my emotions were normal. I couldn’t believe that feeling so mixed up and in my own warp could be normal. She suggested grief counseling. I held back but in the end reached out to a grief counselor.

The counselor helped me navigate through my families birthdays, holidays and death anniversaries.

You choose your “normal”. Don’t let normal choose you.

Fuzzyknot! Give yourself time! It has not even been a month since your mother died. There is a period of shock after the death of a loved one, even when the death has been anticipated.

You may be disoriented for several months, but you will regain your equilibrium bit by bit. Be kind to yourself just like you would be to a friend who had recently lost her mother. For a while, you will feel "lost in space.".

If you want to give others in your family a break from your texting and talking, try writing out your feelings. Buy a composition book or a journal, and write whatever you are feeling. You can even write all the things you don't want to say out loud to anyone. You can throw the journal away later if you want to. You might think you have nothing to say in a journal or you don't want to bother to WRITE, but often, if you get started, you,'ll find things pouring out of you onto the page. It helps to put your thoughts and feelings into a linear form instead of having them circle forever in your head.

This is still a very fresh wound for you. Do not rush yourself. You will begin to notice more and more happy memories of your mother.

Don't beat yourself up. It is natural to mourn a loss. I too experienced losing my brother. Only daughter n husband in less than a year.
Depression. It was rough.
So I asked my Doctor for help.
I took a low dose... my decision... anti-depressant. And saw a great therapist. She was such a great help.
I started to get involved. Being with people was what I needed.
I took a teaching position at a local college, took a philosophy class for years n other courses.
Joined dome groups.

I also have grandkids who mistreated me in ways you would not believe.

And we had had a great relationship... but the death of my daughter, their mother, set things into motion.

I was strong enough after 6 yrs to say they were not welcome to visit n I had to block them on social media ... they only wanted what they could get their hands on.

But I'm at peace.

Im 83 n have no one... yes that hurts but to have my granddaughter lecture me fir an hour on hie to behave at her baby shower. I was still running 2 corporations I started myself.

Then her husband did not understand why she was lashing out at him n me.

So they came for a visit and we were to talk.

Inoted my granddaughter pit her while bodybin loudly screaming. Her whole body got red. I debated walking away but waited. Nothing happened except the silent treatment, but they stayed for another 3 days.

Rexcuses to apology.... n now makes up stories.

So for my sanity I will no longer have contact.

And i closed my businesses and teach at a college.

I drive and continue to do all.my work.

I don't know the future but I'm in a very good place.

A lot longer than 24 days, anyway. Be fair to yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be assured that the feeling of being lost in free-fall is perfectly normal and there is nothing wrong with you.

It really just takes time.

In the meantime, you need to keep busy.

Try taking up something you've always wanted to do like painting ect.

Join a Gym or Yoga.

Meet with a group that has lost their lived one.

Meditable

Read the Bible.

Listen to relaxing music.

Go get a massage.

Start a Diary about your mom.

My LO passed July 6, 2021 and I was their 24/7 caregiver for many years, so I know what you are feeling and going through. It is hard and rough and It HURTS. As a caregiver your daily routine and responsibilities were “wired” to be and take of that one person every day. Now those duties have suddenly stopped, and it has a huge impact on your mental state. As you read the responses here, the one they all say is that you need time. Time will not stop the pain of grief, but will help make you get used to it. When you cannot text or talk to your immediate family you can call WARM at 1.877.910.9276 to talk to a mentor about your grief. Sometimes they are very busy, but leave a message for a call back. I have used WARM repeatedly because unlike you I have no family or friends to call upon to talk to, and I have talked to some of their mentors who also have experienced the same grief situations. Take time out everyday to say a little prayer for yourself and Mama.

You've been through so much and you're still exhausted, fuzzyknot. You've had a major loss. Your world has drastically changed. You have a vastly different schedule and daily focus.

Go easy on yourself and those around you. It's okay to just go with the flow of things. Don't pressure yourself--for a long time you've had enough pressure placed on you.

Slowly, and in its own good time, your mind, body, and soul will rest, adjust, and begin to recuperate. *hug* to you, fuzzyknot.

This site is amazing and a Godsend during care taking and after it. My mom passed in February, and I'm just beginning to come out of that state you refer to..
First, busy with paperwork, then cleaning out her clothes and belongings. For a long time, I was lost. Lost my Mom, lost my purpose. Didn't really want to socialize other than online or a few phone calls. The only thing that brought me peace was gardening and that was a lifesaver for me. Being in nature gave me purpose and time to reflect without interacting with anyone else. You have to find the one thing that brings you peace and do it. Each little thing you do for yourself builds on the next. Take your time to re-connect to yourself and step by step you will re-blossom.

What's Your Grief did an outstanding article exactly on The Myth of the Grief Timeline. (whatsyourgrief.com).
Just a few statements of what is in the article:

If grief is the result of losing someone we love and care for, then there’s no logic that can be applied or formula that can be used in determining how long it will last.

The idea of a grief timeline is somewhat of a misnomer. Anyone familiar with grief understands that associated feelings, setbacks, breakthroughs, roadblocks, triggers, and resolutions can occur at unexpected, unpredictable and inexplicable times and durations.
Grief is not a race with a start and finish line, it’s a labyrinth of twists and turns and dead ends. Grief is like trying to swim past the break in the ocean – you wade in but every once in a while a wave comes up and knocks you back a few feet. You’re still deeper than when you started, but not as deep as you were before the wave hit.
Grief cannot be mapped on a timeline, although typically its intensity should be negatively correlated with time. This means the more time that passes, the less extreme and agonizing grief feelings should be. There will still be bad days, but overall it’s average intensity will diminish.

So feelings of grief will diminish, but not disappear. Grief is infinitas which means ‘being without finish’. Grief doesn’t end, but with time it should look different; hopefully more peaceful, connected, and positive.
Here are a few small indicators you might be making progress in your grief. I find it important to note, you can take steps forward, yet still grieve your loved one. Just because you return to work, date, or decide to have a child does not mean you won’t continue to grieve the person you lost. The capacity you have to be happy, enjoy life, and love others exists in addition to the love you feel for your deceased loved ones. Because love…love is infinitas.
You start to feel just a little more ‘normal’
You have more good days than bad
You experience an increase in energy and motivation
You remember memories fondly as opposed to experiencing them as grief triggers
You can constructively think about the loss of your loved one and the impact it’s had on your life
Your sleep patterns return to normal
You experience feelings of optimism about the future
Improvement in performance at work
You’re able to focus on personal health and wellbeing
You feel ready to date again, have more children, and/or make new friends.
Your relationships feel more functional and healthy
You feel as though you are ‘rejoining the human race’
You feel ready to get out of the house
You experience an increase in desire for emotional and physical intimacy

Me again: let the feeling flow. There is no judgment, they are what they are. Ignore people who try to tell you to 'get over it', 'they're in a better place', 'you need to get out and start doing things', and whatever statements they offer. Often they will compare their grief story. An example: my mother died peacefully at home from cancer. There is not a chance that either of our stories or pain is the same or relatable. Often, it shuts off the grieving person.

The best we can do for those we care about who are grieving is to say, "I can't imagine YOUR pain. I'm here if you want to talk".

Godspeed through this journey to finding peaceful memories to soften the pain.

Hello Fuzzy,
Sorry for the loss of your dear mother. What a blessing your mother passed so peacefully. Keep your mother close to your heart and find peace with the special memories of her. Remember she is not far away. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

Grief goes through stages and we pretty much go through all the stages.
Stage 1 - Denial - that feeling like whatever "loss" can't be true. Might also be your zombie-like feelings.
Stage 2 - Anger - that feeling like "this" isn't fair
Stage 3 - Bargaining - all those ineffective efforts to bring back whatever feels like "normal"
Stage 4 - Depression - feeling sad or numb or apathetic after the "loss"
Stage 5 - Acceptance - feeling like yourself and feeling "ok" or at peace with the "loss"

May I suggest getting involved in a grief support group. I like GriefShare which meets in many churches. All the members are either currently grieving the loss of a loved one or have successfully navigated the grief period and stay to help others.

I like Waterspirits post.

No one can answer your question on how long it will take to feel ”normal” again. Grief is an emotion we all feel at the loss of a LO. Your emotions are absolutely normal, in fact, I think they're unavoidable. We all experience grief differently and for different durations. Is a month enough time? Absolutely not!! Is a year? Probably not. Is five years enough time to work thru your grief and resume an enjoyable, productive life? I certainly hope so. There are no absolutes in grieving. The death of a LO can bring on conflicting emotions. A sense of relief that they have passed and that their suffering is over, and at the same time a feeling of loss and grief that you are no longer able to see them.

But grief is not a lifelong sentence. You don't have to forever feel that you're lost in space, or feel numb or zombie like. But time alone isn't the answer. You have to choose to work at getting thru your grief. You say you feel better when you are communicating with others- your husband, kids, your BFF. That's a positive thing. Addressing your feelings or speaking to others about your loss can be cathartic and distract you from your grief. Some say you go thru 5 stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as defined by Dr. Kubler Ross. I don't subscribe to that at all, except for acceptance. How can someone define stages of grief when grief is so personal? What I do believe is what you, yourself, are experiencing. A feeling of numbness, lack of concentration, probably a poor sleep pattern.

How will you know you've recovered? One sign is when you live your life as you did before your mom's death. Another is when you can reminisce without causing painful feelings. The pain of grief will go away, but the memories of your mom will never fade.

There are some good books on grief recovery. “How to go on Living When Someone You Love Dies” by Therese Rando, and “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by James and Friedman, are two that can help. If you can't find them at the library, they're available at Amazon along with other books on Grief. If your grief persists after an honest attempt to recover from it, I would seek professional help.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My father passed in 2018 at 83. He was wheelchair bound the last two years. He was my everything. When he passed I never ever grieved. I’m starting now. It’s so hard to just even get up sometimes. I feel you.