When will my older brother step up the plate and help me care for our 85-year-old father?

Does he respond and do what is needed when you DO call? If so, I think maybe you just live with that and try to be as specific as you can about what you need from him.....but if you're just venting about having to point out the obvious to your bro., I affirm that. It's absolutely frustrating.

You probably can't.There always seems to be 1 person in a family that does not get it,due to different reasons.Either talk w/ them & draw them a picture of what you need& see,or just skip them from the beginning.If they don't get it,they only frustrate you.He also is a guy,which doesn't help.Most
men are clueless.

Never, I have finally given up on my 9 brothers and sisters. Mom was there for everyone of them when they needed help, but the same old story I stepped up to help her and everyone else stepped back. I have tried emails, phonecalls etc, nothing its like to most of them there mother doesn't exist. Sorry that's the way it works sometimes. Come to terms with the fact that you may be doing this alone.

with your father being 85, that means your brother is perhaps 60. When you just write it, you think, oh a 20-year-old deadbeat. But this is a 60-year-old deadbeat, like my three sisters. Grown women, grandmothers all.

Anyway, there may be some transformational experience you could inject into the situation. Seeing the movie "The Savages" might pry open something, perhaps some poem. That movie just out on DVD, "The Single Man," is such a movie, though not about caregiving a parent. But caring about life. Oh, the new "Toy Story 3" movie has a "stick together" scene that will bring you to your knees weeping.

Almost anyone would run to the aid of someone in an accident to help them. But when one is dying over the period of several years, this same person runs the other way.

Shallow. (My prime insult.)

In my experience--Although there was another sibling, I seemed to have been the chosen one that stepepd up to the plate...This is quite a common occurance in families, unfortunately. And there can be a host of reasons why your brother is NOT sharing the responsibilits. I personally think what you need to do is to have a family meeting-or a meeting with your broter-on the phone or even better in person..and iron this all out. You may be very suprised to hear the reasoning behind the matter of Not sharing-the caregiving responsililities. A lot of understanding, and possibly less resentment will come out of all this.. The sooner you do this the better off everyone will be.
Good lick on your careging journey~
Hap

What does your father think of him? Is your dad supportive of you?

I spoke to my 56 yr old brother the other day and told him what I would like him to do such as give me a break once in a while and his response was "Well then I guess I'll JUST have to go over there and stay with them if you need me to." Maybe I am being too picky but I feel that Mom did not just birth to me and why do I have to call, why can't he stop over once in a while to say hi. My parents love him alot and do understand that he is not perfect and has some faults but according to Dad " He's a hard working man and has his own family to take care of!" OK I will do my part and hopefully he will wake up and smell the coffee. Thanks to all of you for the support. I really appreciate. Hugs to all of you!!!

dmvgirl is right....NEVER....do your best...hopefully he'll have an epiphany and changes....good luck

You can only ask and if not help maybe money to hire help but usually it will not help but since he is not in the picture he better not fuss any decisions you make as time goes buy.

If there is any way to get your dad to ask him, I would have that happen. This is what I do with my mom: when she needed help with her yard work I told her to call all of the kids and ask or I would send over the person who does my neighbor's lawn to give an estimate. She chose the later. Suddenly siblings weren't getting the birthday checks because mom had this new expense. Does your dad live with you?

Do your parents vent at you? I know I was the target of Dad's many frustations & gripes.
I was programmed #1 on his cell phone & he'd phone me with any little proble or gripe.

I begged him to direct some of these calls to my bros, but he always had an excuse not to. He had a chart of their speed dials but would only call me.
I was/am the only one competent & sane in his view.

Thanks for all the advise and communication. Some days I feel very alone. As far as paying to have help forget it. My Mom has this thing about strangers in her house. I am looking into the Veterans Asistance Program. I have been unemployed for 10 months now and my parents have both agreed that they would rather pay me than a stranger to take care of them. As for my Dad asking for help from my Brother he (Dad) has the neighbor cutting our grass and shoveling the snow in the winter...My Brother has his own house to do and "he has a bad knee"... Whatever!!! Thanks again for the support and Hugs

We all know "alone".
Your aloneless is enormous!

My bad back hurts always yet I still manage,
Poor brother.
Do you have an ailment other than your broken heart?

For what it's worth I've found understanding people here.
Sorry your mom is resentful of having someone enter her realm.
What if you weren't available??

Who would she turn to?
sometimes a 'professional' intruder has more clout than a child. They might not put up with the BS.

Aching for you ....

Rip

What about the spouses of these deadbeat siblings? Do they have no morals either? Do they NOT care what happens to their husband/wife's parents? I think I'd pick up the phone and ask them. Especially if it's a wife that you can talk to. The man may be the 'head' of the family, but the woman is the neck. Can't move the head without the necks cooperation.
What movie did that quote come from.... oh well.

I've been caring for my almost 97 yo father for a year now. In that time, I've had only 8 weekends off.....was beginning to resent the 3 siblings that live nearby (one next door) then today I was talking to my sister & found out that she goes to pieces every time she walks into my dad's house because our mother died here 7 years ago and she was so very close to our mom and it just brings back all the sadness of losing mama. (at the time of my mom's death, my sister was going through chemo for breast cancer) I then talked to my other 2 siblings and found that I'm the only one that can bear being in this house. When my brother stays overnite to help out, he can't sleep anywhere but the couch, since there are only 2 bedrooms, one is my dad's and one is mine......the one my mom died in.
So, the point of all this rambling is that there may be reasons you can't be aware of.
God Bless You and I pray He helps you with this stress point.

There are always reasons someone can't help....there are legitimate sometimes...but most of the times the reasons are about the the reason maker....me...me...me...I'm am amazed that sandspur has such a big heart....I can't because....no you won't because you don't want to...I'm sorry to offend some, but not sorry to be honest with most who can help but make excuses to not...don't resent..move on

@DanielRomero: Yes, I have a big heart. I'm the 3rd of 4 children and I have always been the one to hold the rest together. My husband gets so frustrated with them he has trouble holding his tongue. I told him that it'll be the same way until my Dad passes on, then I'll probably only see them when I'm the one to make contact. That's life! I will always know that I did everything possible to make my Dad's life comfortable and happy in his end years.

well, let me start by saying that he may never step up to the plate, you can only be resposible what you do! we cannot control others and what they choose or choose not to do, really all you can do is be specific, as to what your needs are, and be exact..........then he cannot say that you didnt tell him what was needed from him, I know this a very frustrating situation, and hard to approach since it is your brother..........but unfortunately it has to be done, no other choice, and now, not wait, until its too late and things get totally out of control! seems for the most part u do have things in half way decent order, and that in itself is terific, and I am giving u a hug and a pat on the back, as I can relate, and totally understand what u are going thru! I may be an only child, but mom has alot of extended family that speak a great game, but when it actually comes to being here or even making an effort to do so, is like pulling teeth! But thats ok, I have me and my husband, and for mom, we are indespensable, and fun, and help her all we can, probably to the point thats really not too good for her anyway, as I feel like we could be enabling her too much..........But I tend to worry about "what ifs" and all kinds of things that could or might happen,and look at the glass half full, instead of having a more positive attitude, I just dont, I worry, even conjure stuff up to worry about when there is no need to! So what that says to me is that I better start focusing on ME, NOW, because if I go by the wayside there wont be anyone to handle mom or make her emotionally happy, and free herself from her own bondage! Therapy for me right now at this point is so very important, to keep myself from falling into a total depression, and letting all of it get the best of me, as we both know caregiving is a full time job, and more, but we care, and it comes from the heart, without motives and want to do nothing more than to keep my mother happy, and have her know that I am here taking care of all her needs, she doesnt even know what that all entails, its really hard! I have never had to be as responsible as I do now, make sure no mistakes are made, and just keeping up and copying everything under the sun, so we always have an original filed away, very important, a file cabinet, with all your moms financial stuff, so nothing ever comes back later to bite u in the butt! hope some of what I said seeped in, and that I didnt ramble and u understood me without my tendancy to ramble on and on, without making muh sense at all! ) sorry if I did do that, and hopefully you got something out of all I said, something is so much better than nothing at all!!!! GOOD LUCK, and keep us posted as to how things are doing! Hugs and more hugs, as I need them too, sometimes my husband doesnt understand how deep all this is, and just cannot understand, why I crawl into bed, frustrated and depressed ALOT............every day is a struggle for me in one form or anoher!, I need so badly an intervention or something that will get me some emotional support, its a very trying and scary job for us, and I do understand more than u might even know! hope u can feel this in my letter!!! Sue

sandspur, can you get your dad mobile enough to have him visit your sister for the day? That way she wouldn't have to go into the house, and you'd have a little time off.

Here's an idea, but I'm afraid it still won't work. Some counseling agencies offer family arbritration services. To me, that would be perfect. That service did not exist when I needed it. But I bet my brother would never have come to the appt anyway, as he did not come to any of mom's care conferences after she had to be admitted to a nursing home. I currently care for an aunt as she has no children. And my uncle did not come to any of my aunt's care conferences when she was in a home recovering from a broken hip/hip replacement. But if he would have, it would have been perfect. Another thing, if someone would like to look into some sort of family arbritation, be sure to check your insurance. I currently work in a mental health clinic. I find that a lot of insurances do not cover any sort of family counseling. There may be coverage if there is a diagnosis, but it has to be the diagnosis for the person coming in for help.

I have found the best way to get help is to first talk with your sibling and see if you can get THEM to say how they feel and how they think their parents' needs should be met. Ask questions - get them to talk -= you stay as quiet as you can. Often, when they say it themselves, they get the point.
The next best thing is to ask your sibling for specific days, or nights, or errands, or whatever you most need - but BE SPECIFIC! "I need more help" doesn't do it. Say "Can you spend Tuesday evening from 5PM - 10 PM with Dad?" "Will you please help Dad with his shower on Saturday?" It is a big help to those who do not get it to have specifics.

I agree with the others - if you wait for your brother to step up, it will probably never happen. If you help him step up, you very well may get some relief.

Elizza,

Asking my brother for a specific time to help worked til mom became incontinent. Then that was it. No more help.

SORRY, LME, I do not agree. There are ways your brother can help and not have to deal with the incontinency. (I DO, of course, agree with maintaining modesty and dignity,)

But just because he cannot help with that, does not take away from the principle of asking for SPECIFIC time - giving specific direction helps people who do not know what to do. And he can still cook, or shop, or be a companion while you get out for an hour - or do your own thing in a different room.

I think it will take something major to jolt your brother into helping. It is 3 years since my Mom died leaving my 80 yo plus father to go on alone. My brother's only contact is if Dad drives to see them (same as it was when Mom was alive) - they never visit him at his farm - too much trouble - my sister is worse. I have had great support from the Agingcare members here and they have helped me realise that rather than being the only sibling that cares I am in fact the one Dad has chosen to be his prime carer. I have never asked for money from him and if anything I was my parents most difficult child (but maintained a great releationship after I turned 26!) Understanding al this has made me much happier and less annoyed with the other loafers (oh, I mean siblings).
One option may be to give your brother a clear 'do-able' task - it will make you and your Dad feel better - but it will not happen without a severe prod in the ribs and a direct request for a specific task. Good luck.

Good idea, Verlaine - a clear do-able task. He may even like participating!

Tropical,
In American culture, men are neither trained or expected to be caregivers. Although this is beginning to change, in the last half of the 20th century male elementary school teachers, male nurses, male day care directors, and stay-at-home dads were rare. It is not that we are clueless or uncaring as some have said here. It is because our designated role was to lead and provide for our family. The majority of POAs and Estate Executors are male but women dominate roles such as Custodian or Guardian.
If your brother does what you ask without a hassle, then he is trying to do his part as he has been trained to do. Try asking him to organize a family support calendar and keep track of who is supposed to take dad to Medical Appointments etc and you may be surprised at how involved he becomes in dad's care. You might also ask him to be dad's "safety monitor" to ensure the house where dad lives is properly fitted with fixtures that help him navigate around the house and a fall detector in case dad falls when/if he is alone.

In my experience, even TELLING my siblings I need help is fruitless. Which initiates anger, frustration, lonliness, helplessness, and it can lead to depression. DO NOT be afraid to ask for help, and DO NOT feel guilty if you want some FREE time to yourself while the other sibling is taking care of things. They will someday want to share the estate, allow them to share the responsiblity until that day comes, and everybody will feel like the load was distributed evenly.
I have a way of dealing with my uncaring siblings, if they ask how Mom is, I answer them by saying, "call her, or come and visit her, then you can find out how she is."

I agree that it is extremely frustrating when siblings walk away from responsibility. Like I said I have 9 brothers and sisters all but 2 live within 20 minutes of my house. I took our mother into our house over a year ago when it became clear that she could no longer live on her own. Yes I was the one she would always call, the one she depended on when my dad was dying, so I welcomed Mom into my home with the expectation that most of the care taking would be my responsibility. I actually told my siblings when it beame obvisious that no help would be coming that if they all took a turn every 9 weeks and come and take Mom out for a few hours(she loves to go out) then it would give me time to be with my husband and children alone. Nothing, as far as they are concerned I should put her in a home and be done with it. Baffles me why, Mom was a very caring fair and devoted mother to us all, would give anyone the shirt off her back and ended up raising some of the grandchildren while their parents got their act together. So after months of frustration and begging I have given up, I have put my Mom's house on the market and will sell it and place the money in her account. I will use what I have to care for her and when she closes her eyes it will be split 10 ways. But I will know that I did what I could when it counted. Its sad that this sometimes causes families to break apart but you can't make somebody do something that they don't want to do. And yes I make excuses for them all when Mom asks because to tell her the truth would just make her sad.

@naheaton - He is fairly mobile with a walker, but he has some incontinence issues that he wears depends for and he's so scared that he'll have an accident. He's VERY proud and his mind is as sharp as ever, so he just tells us that he really doesn't "feel up to going". He does go to church each Sunday with my sister but won't go home with her.
When someone else is with him, he's constantly asking where I am, why I'm gone and when I'll be back. (I look like my mom, so I think he's put me into the role of caring for him like she did)
He was spoiled rotten as a child and I once told his Dr. that "Little Lord Fountleroy" had nothing on my dad!!!

If after you have exhaused all your options it would be allright to say I can not do such and such you will have to ask your son to do it and stick to your guns and if he will not do it someone will have to be hired as long as you always step up you will be allowed to do so when my husband was being so mean to me I asked if someone in the church could take him twice a month and I would go alone the other weeks it never happened so I stoped taking him it was too much for me to handle then he became so ill it was not an option but I had to figure out a way to get some relief and if his health had not gone down hill I am sure someone would have steped up there is no reason one person has to do it all-not wanting strangers in your house gets a lot of siblings off the hook and I would continue asking the brother and if he still will not help say well I guess she will not be able to go where-ever-we allow ourselfs to be doormats at time you are only asking for some help-I would look into mediation and let him be part of the solution.