When will my older brother step up the plate and help me care for our 85-year-old father?

LynLy61, It sounds like you have balance and are not making yourself nuts trying to be all things, your sibs are what they are and what choices they make in life will effect them and others they may come around or not, but you seem to have found solid ground. Good for you!

here here! i just found this site..im the baby of the family, divorced trying to have a life as well. Brothers and sisters are married and have spousal help around the house...and there retired..i work, take care of my mom full time and im trying to have a single social live, im very healthy and active love outdoor activities. Dont feel im getting the assistance i need from family. they handle doctor type stuff and want control of the financial aspects - there is no financial gain for me at all- so its a little nice or comforting or misery loves company type of feel good to know that others are in the same situation as me. i truly dont think they are going to change..so i have accepted the fact that i will do whatever i can to make my mom happy and comfortable to the best of my ability and accept that im not perfect and im not a nun/nurse etc...ill do what i can - the only assistance i need besides a good day care option is to have more patience and acceptance of myself and to not carry around guilt that im not devoting my entire life to my mom and she can go to day care and/or be alone during the day while im at work, gym etc.. - Go away guilt..welcome patience!!!

ChristyG - I don't want to give your brother a pass, but sometimes men simply cannot face their mother's illness. It is possible that you two could be closer than ever before if you can share this sad time. You have come to grips with the physical care and I don't think that is what really bothers you. It sounds more like you need to share this experience with your sibling - the only person who really knows how you FEEL. Hopefully, you can help him share with you - you both need it. Blessings.

ChristyG: Your deadbeat brother has a WIFE? She could become involved, perhaps, and nag him into helping. This isn't 8-10 years of Alzheimer's caregiving. Yours is a relatively short though tragic caregiving stint, and even walking in the door knowing someone is dying and suffering on the other side is a challenge. It is not "the long goodbye" of Alzheimer's, and probably not even time for the proverbial "bucket list," for your Mom, but assume developing a close relationship with both you and her son would be important to her.

As you said, it is new territory for both of you. Perhaps some online videos of Hospice techniques, lectures and books by Kubler-Ross would be helpful. One of the top books I own is titled "When You're Falling, DIVE: Lessons in the Art of Living" by Mark Matousek. He interviews people who have survived crises, torture, etc. and have come out the better for it. I always find something amazing when I open its pages. Another great book is by Pema Chodron, "When Things Fall Apart." She is an exponent of a wonderful meditation technique called Tonglen, where you breathe IN the dark, sticky, painful sensations, and breathe OUT light and airiness. (most meditation techniques teach the opposite...think about it...it works.)

Even though my two thieving deadbeat sisters remain recalcitrant, and have for 8 years, I have decided to put some faith in one's ability to be transformed. Have you noticed that more movies feature depth-apologies as the climax of the movie (Shrek 3 and "It's Complicated" are two of them.)

Sometimes life hits you on the head with a frying pan, and the death of a parent is one of those ironclad moments. Your brother is ducking, and now's the time to "man up."

Hello everyone - I'd like to jump into the conversation and bring my support to all of you going through the exact SAME thing I am - caring for my mother alone when I have a brother living in the same town. We are younger - I'm 40 and my brother is 38 and our mother is dying from ovarian cancer. My brother is married with a young son and they live very close to my sister-in-law's parents (who are wonderful BTW, two of my fav people). But while I have no children, I am in a relationship, have a full-time job in a neighboring city, a house and some ongoing health issues of my own. Suddenly in the past month, now that Mom has gotten her official terminal diagnosis, we have called in hospice to care for her at home - as that's what she wants. BUT, all the day-to-day caregiving has fallen on me. I only know that my brother has called her once in the past 2 weeks and hasn't been to visit. Everyone is constantly giving him a "free pass" for not stepping up - his own family, having a child, job, etc etc but that doesn't cut down on the resentment I feel. However, let me say that I am grateful and blessed that I can care for Mom and be there for her. It's all about her needs, not mine. I am learning to let go of waiting for, wishing for, hoping for my brother to step up. He is a wonderful husband, father and friend. I love him dearly. We've been through a lot together over the years - but this is new territory. Thanks to everyone on this post - please keep me posted on how you all are doing. I am here with you and sending virtual hugs to all.

I would look at his past behavior in situations like this. Has he ever come through or done something for you with out prompting? If not my guess is going to be no, unless he finds God, new love, has an epiphany, a near death experience or somehow manages to get three years worth of therapy condensed into a two day shrink appointment, I think you need to conclude you are on your own here and count the blessing of sole control (if you have it) along side the burden of sole responsibility. Truly, as hapfra said it, it so often falls in families: someone is the drudge and some one else just keeps their distance and lets ‘em get on with it...

We're all fragile. Some of us more than others.
My brother left at 19 and didn't look back. He had his reasons.
I think if I had any brains I would have too but I'm soft hearted & set myself up for this unknowingly and unwittingly.
Brother wants nothing to do with this caregiver stuff of mom. He recently buried his own wife of 39 yrs. after a long devastating illness. We never even heard about it until after she was gone.
He has repeatedly told me to walk away from the whole mess. That tells me all I need to know in regards to his help in the matter. So I'll let him get on with his life and carry this cross myself.
I don't wish this misery on him too. That I don't want to share!!!

BRAVO!

yeah, happier. Like my blog is titled
whendoesthegladstart

I still think there are movies, books, Bible passages, poetry, popular songs, opera...that might be transformative enough to move these deadbeats into a more upstanding character.

I shamed one of the three deadbeat sisters into moving up a notch. She wrote innocently, "so how are you doing?" so I emailed her back what it meant to give up 7 years of my life and be enslaved to care for HER mother. How did she think I was doing? For pete's sake. So she ate crow. She's still not much help, due to her own pitiful circumstances and deadbeat jerk of a husband, but at least she's on the right side of the line.

Character Starts
Where Convenience
ENDS

I write from Italy. I am in the same situation, I have an older brother who does not share with me the responsibility of our mother (she is 84). I think that, as long as we take care of our parents, our brothers will never do it. it is too easy and comfortable for them, this way. Why should they change? If you go and talk to him, he will find hundreds of excuses to explain why he behaves like this. So, the burden is on our shoulders, but we will live with no regrets and we shall be happier with ourselves. Good luck to you and me.

In a word, never. I have 2 sisters who care about my mom, and that leaves 8 other siblings who would not care if she died tomorrow. It's a fact of life. I try not to get too bitter about it because I need my energy. This does help:
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Susan spoke for a lot of us!

dmvgirl, wow that brought tears to my eyes, you are sure a dedicated, and seemingly wonderful person, daughter, etc................If I had a medal of honor right now it would go to u! u are one of a kind, a special, caring, devoted, and irreplaceable daughter, and that noone can change, Just from your comment I read here on this page, gave me a sense of liking you, and wanting u in my network of support, and to be able to always be there if u need a friend to talk to! Just really wanted to tell u that u are special girl, and if noone today told u that they care I certainly do! NOt scared to tell u either! Keep being the person u are, all good stuff come to those who do the next right thing, even if it interferes a bit with your own life! and not even really complaining about it either, u are a special gurl, and your mum is so so so lucky to have u!!!! Just wanted to let u know someone noticed u and recognized and also visualized as much as I could the wonderful person u must be!!!
Love Sue

It just be his way of dealing with the grieving process.

I was just taking out the garbage, having just tossed an old thank you note from my niece. Then I thought of all the decades I have bought birthday and Christmas presents for my sisters and their kids (and then "I'm broke and have no gas money!!" funds I've sent off here and there). And it warmed my heart to think of all the thank you notes I've received.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The reason I write about this is the few (two out of ten entities) who have written thank you notes EVER are the only ones who will step up to "help" me with Mom (my nieces' Grandma).

When we were all younger, my mother was literally the only one to take the protection of her grandkids seriously. Mom's home was the only place respectable enough to host holidays, so she was burdened with all the housecleaning and cooking for every single holiday for her own kids, then their kids...and her grandkids are now all in their late thirties. They still expected this until I put my foot down.

So, the history of one's siblings thank you notes through the years (not to mention if they've nagged their own kids to write grandma and Aunt Mabel thank you notes) could be an accurate indicator of who of your siblings will be a deadbeat.

Also, do they have any outstanding loans from the parents? Perhaps you've gone through papers helping your parents move ... were there any letters from your siblings or thank you notes? Could be a telling signal to realize the deadbeat's inner character.

If after you have exhaused all your options it would be allright to say I can not do such and such you will have to ask your son to do it and stick to your guns and if he will not do it someone will have to be hired as long as you always step up you will be allowed to do so when my husband was being so mean to me I asked if someone in the church could take him twice a month and I would go alone the other weeks it never happened so I stoped taking him it was too much for me to handle then he became so ill it was not an option but I had to figure out a way to get some relief and if his health had not gone down hill I am sure someone would have steped up there is no reason one person has to do it all-not wanting strangers in your house gets a lot of siblings off the hook and I would continue asking the brother and if he still will not help say well I guess she will not be able to go where-ever-we allow ourselfs to be doormats at time you are only asking for some help-I would look into mediation and let him be part of the solution.

@naheaton - He is fairly mobile with a walker, but he has some incontinence issues that he wears depends for and he's so scared that he'll have an accident. He's VERY proud and his mind is as sharp as ever, so he just tells us that he really doesn't "feel up to going". He does go to church each Sunday with my sister but won't go home with her.
When someone else is with him, he's constantly asking where I am, why I'm gone and when I'll be back. (I look like my mom, so I think he's put me into the role of caring for him like she did)
He was spoiled rotten as a child and I once told his Dr. that "Little Lord Fountleroy" had nothing on my dad!!!

I agree that it is extremely frustrating when siblings walk away from responsibility. Like I said I have 9 brothers and sisters all but 2 live within 20 minutes of my house. I took our mother into our house over a year ago when it became clear that she could no longer live on her own. Yes I was the one she would always call, the one she depended on when my dad was dying, so I welcomed Mom into my home with the expectation that most of the care taking would be my responsibility. I actually told my siblings when it beame obvisious that no help would be coming that if they all took a turn every 9 weeks and come and take Mom out for a few hours(she loves to go out) then it would give me time to be with my husband and children alone. Nothing, as far as they are concerned I should put her in a home and be done with it. Baffles me why, Mom was a very caring fair and devoted mother to us all, would give anyone the shirt off her back and ended up raising some of the grandchildren while their parents got their act together. So after months of frustration and begging I have given up, I have put my Mom's house on the market and will sell it and place the money in her account. I will use what I have to care for her and when she closes her eyes it will be split 10 ways. But I will know that I did what I could when it counted. Its sad that this sometimes causes families to break apart but you can't make somebody do something that they don't want to do. And yes I make excuses for them all when Mom asks because to tell her the truth would just make her sad.

In my experience, even TELLING my siblings I need help is fruitless. Which initiates anger, frustration, lonliness, helplessness, and it can lead to depression. DO NOT be afraid to ask for help, and DO NOT feel guilty if you want some FREE time to yourself while the other sibling is taking care of things. They will someday want to share the estate, allow them to share the responsiblity until that day comes, and everybody will feel like the load was distributed evenly.
I have a way of dealing with my uncaring siblings, if they ask how Mom is, I answer them by saying, "call her, or come and visit her, then you can find out how she is."

Tropical,
In American culture, men are neither trained or expected to be caregivers. Although this is beginning to change, in the last half of the 20th century male elementary school teachers, male nurses, male day care directors, and stay-at-home dads were rare. It is not that we are clueless or uncaring as some have said here. It is because our designated role was to lead and provide for our family. The majority of POAs and Estate Executors are male but women dominate roles such as Custodian or Guardian.
If your brother does what you ask without a hassle, then he is trying to do his part as he has been trained to do. Try asking him to organize a family support calendar and keep track of who is supposed to take dad to Medical Appointments etc and you may be surprised at how involved he becomes in dad's care. You might also ask him to be dad's "safety monitor" to ensure the house where dad lives is properly fitted with fixtures that help him navigate around the house and a fall detector in case dad falls when/if he is alone.

Good idea, Verlaine - a clear do-able task. He may even like participating!

I think it will take something major to jolt your brother into helping. It is 3 years since my Mom died leaving my 80 yo plus father to go on alone. My brother's only contact is if Dad drives to see them (same as it was when Mom was alive) - they never visit him at his farm - too much trouble - my sister is worse. I have had great support from the Agingcare members here and they have helped me realise that rather than being the only sibling that cares I am in fact the one Dad has chosen to be his prime carer. I have never asked for money from him and if anything I was my parents most difficult child (but maintained a great releationship after I turned 26!) Understanding al this has made me much happier and less annoyed with the other loafers (oh, I mean siblings).
One option may be to give your brother a clear 'do-able' task - it will make you and your Dad feel better - but it will not happen without a severe prod in the ribs and a direct request for a specific task. Good luck.

SORRY, LME, I do not agree. There are ways your brother can help and not have to deal with the incontinency. (I DO, of course, agree with maintaining modesty and dignity,)

But just because he cannot help with that, does not take away from the principle of asking for SPECIFIC time - giving specific direction helps people who do not know what to do. And he can still cook, or shop, or be a companion while you get out for an hour - or do your own thing in a different room.

Elizza,

Asking my brother for a specific time to help worked til mom became incontinent. Then that was it. No more help.

I have found the best way to get help is to first talk with your sibling and see if you can get THEM to say how they feel and how they think their parents' needs should be met. Ask questions - get them to talk -= you stay as quiet as you can. Often, when they say it themselves, they get the point.
The next best thing is to ask your sibling for specific days, or nights, or errands, or whatever you most need - but BE SPECIFIC! "I need more help" doesn't do it. Say "Can you spend Tuesday evening from 5PM - 10 PM with Dad?" "Will you please help Dad with his shower on Saturday?" It is a big help to those who do not get it to have specifics.

I agree with the others - if you wait for your brother to step up, it will probably never happen. If you help him step up, you very well may get some relief.

Here's an idea, but I'm afraid it still won't work. Some counseling agencies offer family arbritration services. To me, that would be perfect. That service did not exist when I needed it. But I bet my brother would never have come to the appt anyway, as he did not come to any of mom's care conferences after she had to be admitted to a nursing home. I currently care for an aunt as she has no children. And my uncle did not come to any of my aunt's care conferences when she was in a home recovering from a broken hip/hip replacement. But if he would have, it would have been perfect. Another thing, if someone would like to look into some sort of family arbritation, be sure to check your insurance. I currently work in a mental health clinic. I find that a lot of insurances do not cover any sort of family counseling. There may be coverage if there is a diagnosis, but it has to be the diagnosis for the person coming in for help.

sandspur, can you get your dad mobile enough to have him visit your sister for the day? That way she wouldn't have to go into the house, and you'd have a little time off.

well, let me start by saying that he may never step up to the plate, you can only be resposible what you do! we cannot control others and what they choose or choose not to do, really all you can do is be specific, as to what your needs are, and be exact..........then he cannot say that you didnt tell him what was needed from him, I know this a very frustrating situation, and hard to approach since it is your brother..........but unfortunately it has to be done, no other choice, and now, not wait, until its too late and things get totally out of control! seems for the most part u do have things in half way decent order, and that in itself is terific, and I am giving u a hug and a pat on the back, as I can relate, and totally understand what u are going thru! I may be an only child, but mom has alot of extended family that speak a great game, but when it actually comes to being here or even making an effort to do so, is like pulling teeth! But thats ok, I have me and my husband, and for mom, we are indespensable, and fun, and help her all we can, probably to the point thats really not too good for her anyway, as I feel like we could be enabling her too much..........But I tend to worry about "what ifs" and all kinds of things that could or might happen,and look at the glass half full, instead of having a more positive attitude, I just dont, I worry, even conjure stuff up to worry about when there is no need to! So what that says to me is that I better start focusing on ME, NOW, because if I go by the wayside there wont be anyone to handle mom or make her emotionally happy, and free herself from her own bondage! Therapy for me right now at this point is so very important, to keep myself from falling into a total depression, and letting all of it get the best of me, as we both know caregiving is a full time job, and more, but we care, and it comes from the heart, without motives and want to do nothing more than to keep my mother happy, and have her know that I am here taking care of all her needs, she doesnt even know what that all entails, its really hard! I have never had to be as responsible as I do now, make sure no mistakes are made, and just keeping up and copying everything under the sun, so we always have an original filed away, very important, a file cabinet, with all your moms financial stuff, so nothing ever comes back later to bite u in the butt! hope some of what I said seeped in, and that I didnt ramble and u understood me without my tendancy to ramble on and on, without making muh sense at all! ) sorry if I did do that, and hopefully you got something out of all I said, something is so much better than nothing at all!!!! GOOD LUCK, and keep us posted as to how things are doing! Hugs and more hugs, as I need them too, sometimes my husband doesnt understand how deep all this is, and just cannot understand, why I crawl into bed, frustrated and depressed ALOT............every day is a struggle for me in one form or anoher!, I need so badly an intervention or something that will get me some emotional support, its a very trying and scary job for us, and I do understand more than u might even know! hope u can feel this in my letter!!! Sue

@DanielRomero: Yes, I have a big heart. I'm the 3rd of 4 children and I have always been the one to hold the rest together. My husband gets so frustrated with them he has trouble holding his tongue. I told him that it'll be the same way until my Dad passes on, then I'll probably only see them when I'm the one to make contact. That's life! I will always know that I did everything possible to make my Dad's life comfortable and happy in his end years.

There are always reasons someone can't help....there are legitimate sometimes...but most of the times the reasons are about the the reason maker....me...me...me...I'm am amazed that sandspur has such a big heart....I can't because....no you won't because you don't want to...I'm sorry to offend some, but not sorry to be honest with most who can help but make excuses to not...don't resent..move on