My mother is very hard to please & can't understand why I can't always take her out. I work 40 hours a week & exhausted when I get home & she doesn't like gng out with any other family only me & often wants to go to my friends place or go out with my friend with me she nearly drives me crazy. I have got siblings who help, but I live with her & she very, very demanding. Any ideas be much appreciated.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. She is a grown adult and knows how to make herself happy when it doesn't involve you. She's just lazy and doesn't want to.
Her demands are not your commands. Her emergencies are not your urgencies. Use the word "no" and use it often. Or, "no thank you" if you want to see a confused look on their face.
Please see a cognitive therapist to help you find and defend healthy boundaries if you insist on living with such a person. The boundaries are for YOU to defend, as she will be very angry at your boundaries and will continuously try to ram them and break them down. The only person you can control is yourself. She doesn't make more work for you, you volunteer to do the extra work she's nagging you to do. Just say no.
Your mother is probably bored and lonely. She needs a social life of her own, but it doesn't have to be you. Many seniors need a push from their family to try out a senior center or a paid companion. Talk to her plainly but kindly and tell her that you need your own social life away from her with friends your own age as much and she needs the same thing. Time away from you with people her own age. If she continues being stubborn and refusing to try anything other than you being her entertainment and social life, she's going to be a very bored and lonely person. Make sure she understands this.
Living with parent when you're an adult is tough especially when they're old and needy. In such case it's so important that the senior and the adult child have their own social lives away from each other. You can still do things together, but not everything because your lives become enmeshed then and that's always a mess.
Answer? Some do, just as some older people don't ask for a whole lot of help.
If there is a problem with a specific individual then you explain why you cannot continue what you are doing to help them.
If living with her isn't working, then you move out and are on your own.
The answers, to me, seem a bit obvious. Can you tell me what I am missing in your story, or what I don't understand, and need to know?
The OP needs down time without mother. Their own social life with their own friends that she is not part of. I know exactly what the OP is talking about.
The mother is needy and clingy, yet stubborn. She wants everything her way when she wants it. It also sounds like she's lonely, bored, and a bit selfish. She expects her adult child's whole life outside of work to be dedicated to her care, comfort, and entertainment. That's not reasonable.
1) Book a weekend away for yourself for at least three consecutive weekends.
2) Arrange a carer for three hours in the afternoon on each weekend you will be away. The tasks for the carer are to take M out and then get her dinner ready.
If she asks why? Why? Why? (which she certainly will), you tell her straight out that your life has started to revolve around, and hers to revolve around you. You want to break that up, because the alternative will be for her to go into and Assisted Living facility so that you can have a life of your own. This is a good option for both of you. You can discuss it further after this experiment.
do those things with her right when she says.. I get guilted for days and days. I’m newer to care giving. My mother is alert and oriented so im able to try and set firm boundaries with her about how I need to care for myself in SOME capacity so I can care for her. I try and set designated times I do things with her so she can expect it & look forward to it. Example: . “we can do walks together on Saturday afternoons.” Now, That can make it hard if you have a day you feel like you can’t make it to one of those designated times and they expect you to, and be honest if that happens it’s OKAY! but I find sometimes it helps. Gives us both realistic expectations. maybe ask her why she dosent want to spend time with others if you haven’t already and solve any issues there with her if possible, lean on the siblings a bit and offer her options of doing those activities with someone else but firmly “you can do an activity with so and so today but I’m not available if you choose not to do the activity because it’s not with me, that is your choice.” I’m not sure if your mother is in a similar spot with her mentation but if she is, then maybe this would be helpful. It’s hard but I think as care givers we HAVE to set boundaries and realistic expectations of what we can do and what we can’t. or there is no way to survive it with any semblance of yourself or your own life. I hope my advice didn’t come across as harsh, having a “I can’t do this anymore” day myself over here. I’m cheering for you from here, I’m so sorry for the trouble she’s giving you, remember sometimes. You come first ❤️
My Mom never had close friends, mostly relied on her sisters for social and entertainment... and me when she moved to my state. I stopped feeling guilty about not taking her with me to outings with neighbors because I realized she is capable of making her own friends but chose not to. She was also Debbie Downer and cluelessly would veer the conversations into distressing and negative news stories and politics. No thanks.
You do not need to be your Mom's only solution. Please make yourself the #1 priority and do lots of self-care.
“ Mom, I’ll be home later “. And leave immediately out the door . Don’t have a discussion about it.
Don’t live with Mom if possible .
She needs friends, or a social group her age. Look and see if there is an Adult Day Care program in your community. Other options: senior centers which keep seniors occupied with other seniors. I have seen people post on Nextdoor, looking for other seniors near their mom, trying to help them find a social network.
Does she have to live with you? She might be happy in a senior community. Really, her living with you has to work for BOTH of you! If this living arrangement is stressing you out, you need to look at other options.
You could hire, with her money, ideally, a companion aide who comes to the house and keeps her company. Stay away from lazy young people who just want to sit there and scroll through their phones. If she was active in church, find a local church to welcome her and provide social stimulation.
Try this; set aside one day each week when you PLAN to have dinner with her, and spend the evening with her. I know it's hard now, because you are trying to disengage. But, if you make it a planned event, you could even find it enjoyable.
I've gotta say, and I don't mean this in any disparaging way, you don't seem to really be a caregiver. What exactly are you doing for you mother? I think simply allowing her to live with you is what you are equating with caregiving.
That is a sacrifice on your part. But, it could be So Much Worse! When I first saw your header question, I almost wanted to laugh. Because, people who need care (often elders) really DO add extra work for caregivers! They display horrible behavior, and act much like a toddler. Be glad you're not there yet!
In the mean time, take it day by day, and find someone else to entertain your mother.
1) Say ‘I need an hour by myself when I get home from work’. Get a simple hook and eye lock for your ‘private’ room, and make it comfortable for yourself.
2) Say ‘I will take you out with me once for every time you go out with someone else’. Stick to it.
3) Find a senior citizen day group close to you, and arrange transport.
4) Learn to say No. No reason, no excuse, just No.