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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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It's not just Alzheimer's and dementia, it's any ugly disease like cancer that nobody wants to face, look at or deal with. That's what I've found. My mother had dementia and lived in Memory Care and friends and family stopped visiting. It was Too Much to see her like that. I guess they expected foaming at the mouth or Linda Blair type turning of the head 360 degrees on her neck, vomiting green, etc.
For me it was a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Nobody came to see me. My cousins wife dropped off a restaurant gift card at my front door, refused to come inside, and my cousin waited in the car. My other cousin mailed a card. I guess nobody ever told them cancer is not contagious. After awhile, the phone calls stopped altogether and nowadays I call them to see how they are. I always say I'm "fine" because that's what's expected.
I belong to a private stage 4 melanoma group on Facebook and Agingcare to speak to people who "get it".
I know this is an older post. But I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know what a voice of kindness, thoughtfulness, wisdom and caring you are on this site. You make a difference even when walking through so much yourself. Thank you.
I know how you feel. I take care of my mom with severe dementia, and I'm all on my own. There's some days I don't want to wake up in the morning.. I push myself because I know she needs me. Tonight she told me I wasn't her daughter, and she didn't know who I was. That about killed me..
If it wasn't for my best friend, I don't think I could make it through this. It is so hard when you're doing it all alone. I give you all the credit in the world. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me.
AWhelan, believe it or not, I’ve heard the same words from my mother’s mouth! It hurts a lot but at the same time, you kinda build up an inner strength and invisible shield that after a while, they’re just words. In a couple days she will know exactly who you are again. I’ve asked my mom who am I and she would say my full name including my middle name. It comes and goes. My dear mom since passed away peacefully in her sleep at age 98 in February. I miss her terribly. Just buckle your seatbelt because you’re in for a bumpy ride. Hugs 🤗
I never wanted my friends' support because I looked forward to enjoying spending time with them to take my mind off my caregiving misery. I did not want to dump these problems on them. Having their friendship means a lot to me. I'm sure if I asked, they would have supported me in some way.
My car mechanic is the same way. He calls and talks to me, I think just to get my mind off caregiving for a while. I really appreciate him and his bride.
When you are a full time caregiver for a dementia patient expect it to be a lonely, thankless, guilt ridden, doubt ridden, bitter/sweet, exhausting, joy/joy less, fatigue like you never experienced and if people have not experienced it--- it is useless to try to explain it to them. Stop expecting help and support especially from family members and friends. I really do understand and wish you the best.
You hit it right on the mark. Sad but true. All I've ever asked from close friends and family is to check in with me once in a while via phone or visit. I don't ask for help caring for my 100 yr old mom with endstage alzheimer's. I have daily meltdowns lately and not one person gives a damn. I've stopped reaching out to these people because I have more peace meeting the same energy they give me which is zero. I think is a lack of empathy, grace and compassion on their end. I'm better off without them mentally.
I might offer a different perspective from what most people are saying about "fair-weather friends." Generally, those of us who are caring for elderly parents are getting on in age ourselves. We have families, financial worries, health problems and other growing concerns of our own. Most of us are already giving everything we can to our friends, families and ourselves. I'm an only child who had no one to help me care for my 96-year-old mom for the last 20 years (she's in a skilled nursing facility now), and I've made a point of NOT placing expectations on anyone else, because I assume they're already maxed out in their own lives. Paradoxically, the result seems to be that my friends DO support me deeply (although that hasn't been the intention of my approach). At this stage of my life I also just want my time with my friends to be a source of joy amidst all the difficulties and drama of life, and I assume others want the same. Ease in a friendship doesn't mean the friendship isn't "real." The beautiful thing about friendships is that we can have many — we can just appreciate each person for what they have to offer, and let the rest go. I also strongly recommend finding a therapist and/or support group that you can "dump" on without worrying about overburdening your loved ones. Having said all that, it's a lonely road no matter what, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some peace and comfort during the journey ahead.
Because they are what I call "Fair Weather Friends."
Your friends probably have their own family issues, since that usually is the case. I hate asking for help myself, I've been independent and lived alone for 23 years. No kids, either. I've learned you can't expect family members, or friends (or anyone else) to give you support with your Mother's diagnosis, unless they know what it's like themselves. It's not their Mother, so they don't care.
The problem usually is they don't know what to say. They are kind of scared for you. You will need to do what it takes to get strong quickly. People here will guide you. I wish you strength and patience with your Mother, as she goes down a hard road ahead.
What sort of support are you looking for? A listening ear? Bringing over a meal? Running errands? These are things that are pretty easy to do that would be very appreciated by me as a caregiver.
I think a lot of friends fade away because they are afraid they'll be asked to do actual caregiving duties. If they've never been around a person with Alzheimer's, they might think they're all violent, crazy, and running around naked outside. That's not the norm, but those are the stories people hear about. If that's what they think, who can blame them for distancing themselves?
Then there's the issue of 'out of sight, out of mind'. You're probably so bogged down with caregiving duties, that you're out of circulation with your friends. Sure, a good friend would call and check on you, but these friends have lives too.
Perhaps you can call and check on them and get the lines of communication re-opened. If they ask how they can help, make it a small ask, because every little bit helps.
You know what they say. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Close family members abandon each other when there's an elderly person who needs caregiving. I've seen this happen when it's not a needy elder with dementia. When it's a younger person who gets a serious illness or becomes handicapped. Sometimes people turn away because they're afraid of the situation and don't know how to interact with the sick person or the elder with dementia and don't know what help to offer. Others stay away because they want to make sure they don't get asked to help with anything.
I was a homecare worker for many years before going into the business of it. I have had many family caregivers tell me exactly what you're saying here. No one is giving them any support. Here's what I always told them. Think about exactly what types of support you want from friends or family and write it down. Then tell your friends and family. If you want elder-sitting support so you can have time off, ask for it. If you want someone to complain to about caregiving, ask for it or come here and tell us. Everyone here can relate. If you need help with financial support, maybe your friends can help to get you in the paid family caregiver program. Whatever types of support you need ask for it. Nobody is a mind-reader who can guess what you need or want from them if you only tell them you need 'support'. That can mean a lot of different things.
Be specific and if your friends continue to avoid you, they're not good friends and you're better off without them.
I like that idea because if there are a variety of things on the list, with different levels of interaction, time required and skills, people who do want to help but don’t know how can find something they are capable of doing.
What kind of support were you hoping for? Emotional support? If so, what does that look like to you? Help with her care? What kind of help? I'm asking because it is perfectly reasonable to think your friends would rally around you emotionally and socially, but unreasonable to think they are going to participate in any kind of daily or weekly hands-on help.
I'm sorry that you are feeling abandoned. As others have pointed out, ALZ is a horrible diagnosis and being around someone with it maybe makes your senior friends think about their own futures...or maybe they've dealt with it in their pasts and shudder at the thought of it.
Please actively find other local support groups, Facebook pages, church groups, senior center events. Don't let your emotional and social life whither even if your friends don't ever step up for you.
May you receive great wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
For me it was a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Nobody came to see me. My cousins wife dropped off a restaurant gift card at my front door, refused to come inside, and my cousin waited in the car. My other cousin mailed a card. I guess nobody ever told them cancer is not contagious. After awhile, the phone calls stopped altogether and nowadays I call them to see how they are. I always say I'm "fine" because that's what's expected.
I belong to a private stage 4 melanoma group on Facebook and Agingcare to speak to people who "get it".
If it wasn't for my best friend, I don't think I could make it through this. It is so hard when you're doing it all alone. I give you all the credit in the world. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me.
I come here to this site for support and to vent.
Her 90 year old appliance repair guy dropped off beautiful gladioli flowers from his garden for Mom.
Her general contractor spent about an hour talking to me about the mustard seed story and we talked about our Moms.
Her electrician was a very kind African American guy who always had kind words for me.
I felt abandoned by my friends also. A kind word, sitting and talking with me or dropping by a healthy meal would have meant a lot.
Fortunately the kind men who worked in the trades really picked up the slack.
Your friends probably have their own family issues, since that usually is the case. I hate asking for help myself, I've been independent and lived alone for 23 years. No kids, either. I've learned you can't expect family members, or friends (or anyone else) to give you support with your Mother's diagnosis, unless they know what it's like themselves. It's not their Mother, so they don't care.
The problem usually is they don't know what to say. They are kind of scared for you. You will need to do what it takes to get strong quickly. People here will guide you.
I wish you strength and patience with your Mother, as she goes down a hard road ahead.
I think a lot of friends fade away because they are afraid they'll be asked to do actual caregiving duties. If they've never been around a person with Alzheimer's, they might think they're all violent, crazy, and running around naked outside. That's not the norm, but those are the stories people hear about. If that's what they think, who can blame them for distancing themselves?
Then there's the issue of 'out of sight, out of mind'. You're probably so bogged down with caregiving duties, that you're out of circulation with your friends. Sure, a good friend would call and check on you, but these friends have lives too.
Perhaps you can call and check on them and get the lines of communication re-opened. If they ask how they can help, make it a small ask, because every little bit helps.
I was a homecare worker for many years before going into the business of it. I have had many family caregivers tell me exactly what you're saying here. No one is giving them any support. Here's what I always told them. Think about exactly what types of support you want from friends or family and write it down. Then tell your friends and family. If you want elder-sitting support so you can have time off, ask for it. If you want someone to complain to about caregiving, ask for it or come here and tell us. Everyone here can relate. If you need help with financial support, maybe your friends can help to get you in the paid family caregiver program. Whatever types of support you need ask for it. Nobody is a mind-reader who can guess what you need or want from them if you only tell them you need 'support'. That can mean a lot of different things.
Be specific and if your friends continue to avoid you, they're not good friends and you're better off without them.
What kind of support were you hoping for? Emotional support? If so, what does that look like to you? Help with her care? What kind of help? I'm asking because it is perfectly reasonable to think your friends would rally around you emotionally and socially, but unreasonable to think they are going to participate in any kind of daily or weekly hands-on help.
I'm sorry that you are feeling abandoned. As others have pointed out, ALZ is a horrible diagnosis and being around someone with it maybe makes your senior friends think about their own futures...or maybe they've dealt with it in their pasts and shudder at the thought of it.
Please actively find other local support groups, Facebook pages, church groups, senior center events. Don't let your emotional and social life whither even if your friends don't ever step up for you.
May you receive great wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
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