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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Because they don't know what to say or do? Because you don't have the time to keep in touch, they forget to. I have very few friends that when I have not kept in touch, for various reasons, they call and ask what have I been doing. For me it always seemed one sided, me doing the keep in touching. I stopped and they never asked why. Its how the world is.
So sorry you are experiencing abandonment. It's too difficult for some people to face these things. I think my mom's friends and some of our family members were afraid of the situation, not knowing how to react if she didn't remember them and was no longer the same person they had known. My husband, sons, and my niece were there for me and for her. Even my ex showed up. My brother couldn't handle it, so stayed away. People fear what they don't understand. My very close friends stayed in touch I think because I told them the stories about the strange things my mom did. It was a long ten years of those stories and they still remember the humor mixed with the sadness. They only knew her through the stories and the paintings I did of her, as they had not known her before the Alzheimer's. I do think there is beginning to be more awareness of the illness and hopefully family members will not in the future be so overwhelmed with the care involved. The heartbreak of your mom's decline is challenging enough to go through. Without your friends it makes it even harder. Keep trying to engage with them. Or find new friends who are going through similar things.
It's not just Alzheimer's and dementia, it's any ugly disease like cancer that nobody wants to face, look at or deal with. That's what I've found. My mother had dementia and lived in Memory Care and friends and family stopped visiting. It was Too Much to see her like that. I guess they expected foaming at the mouth or Linda Blair type turning of the head 360 degrees on her neck, vomiting green, etc.
For me it was a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Nobody came to see me. My cousins wife dropped off a restaurant gift card at my front door, refused to come inside, and my cousin waited in the car. My other cousin mailed a card. I guess nobody ever told them cancer is not contagious. After awhile, the phone calls stopped altogether and nowadays I call them to see how they are. I always say I'm "fine" because that's what's expected.
I belong to a private stage 4 melanoma group on Facebook and Agingcare to speak to people who "get it".
My car mechanic is the same way. He calls and talks to me, I think just to get my mind off caregiving for a while. I really appreciate him and his bride.
What kind of support were you hoping for? Emotional support? If so, what does that look like to you? Help with her care? What kind of help? I'm asking because it is perfectly reasonable to think your friends would rally around you emotionally and socially, but unreasonable to think they are going to participate in any kind of daily or weekly hands-on help.
I'm sorry that you are feeling abandoned. As others have pointed out, ALZ is a horrible diagnosis and being around someone with it maybe makes your senior friends think about their own futures...or maybe they've dealt with it in their pasts and shudder at the thought of it.
Please actively find other local support groups, Facebook pages, church groups, senior center events. Don't let your emotional and social life whither even if your friends don't ever step up for you.
May you receive great wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
I never wanted my friends' support because I looked forward to enjoying spending time with them to take my mind off my caregiving misery. I did not want to dump these problems on them. Having their friendship means a lot to me. I'm sure if I asked, they would have supported me in some way.
Times like these really reveal who your true friends are. It’s unfortunate that some are simply fair weather friends who only want to have fun. These are also probably the type of people who can’t maintain connection if you don’t do it or live nearby. I think this is revealing their own weakness. It’s sad but you need new friends!
When My Mom was Hospitalized and I Had to Place her in a Nursing Home -Her sister , Best friend and Favorite daughter did Not want to get Involved . They Came to the funeral instead or sent flowers .
Because they are what I call "Fair Weather Friends."
Your friends probably have their own family issues, since that usually is the case. I hate asking for help myself, I've been independent and lived alone for 23 years. No kids, either. I've learned you can't expect family members, or friends (or anyone else) to give you support with your Mother's diagnosis, unless they know what it's like themselves. It's not their Mother, so they don't care.
The problem usually is they don't know what to say. They are kind of scared for you. You will need to do what it takes to get strong quickly. People here will guide you. I wish you strength and patience with your Mother, as she goes down a hard road ahead.
I know how you feel. I take care of my mom with severe dementia, and I'm all on my own. There's some days I don't want to wake up in the morning.. I push myself because I know she needs me. Tonight she told me I wasn't her daughter, and she didn't know who I was. That about killed me..
If it wasn't for my best friend, I don't think I could make it through this. It is so hard when you're doing it all alone. I give you all the credit in the world. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me.
AWhelan, believe it or not, I’ve heard the same words from my mother’s mouth! It hurts a lot but at the same time, you kinda build up an inner strength and invisible shield that after a while, they’re just words. In a couple days she will know exactly who you are again. I’ve asked my mom who am I and she would say my full name including my middle name. It comes and goes. My dear mom since passed away peacefully in her sleep at age 98 in February. I miss her terribly. Just buckle your seatbelt because you’re in for a bumpy ride. Hugs 🤗
Don’t expect any help from anyone ever. Not friends or family. Even if you hire aides to come in to the house, expect 99% of them to quit after 1 day. It is just the way it is. I happened to find 1 caring caregiver from an agency and then I hired her private pay. She was with us for about 7 years until I placed my mom back into nursing home at age 96. The stand assist lift at home mom couldn’t hold onto handlebars anymore with her curled hands..& sometimes not following directions…it was too risky. At the nursing home, she was 2 person assist hoyer lift…& was there almost 3 years…until she passed away peacefully in February at age 98. Hugs 🤗
What sort of support are you looking for? A listening ear? Bringing over a meal? Running errands? These are things that are pretty easy to do that would be very appreciated by me as a caregiver.
I think a lot of friends fade away because they are afraid they'll be asked to do actual caregiving duties. If they've never been around a person with Alzheimer's, they might think they're all violent, crazy, and running around naked outside. That's not the norm, but those are the stories people hear about. If that's what they think, who can blame them for distancing themselves?
Then there's the issue of 'out of sight, out of mind'. You're probably so bogged down with caregiving duties, that you're out of circulation with your friends. Sure, a good friend would call and check on you, but these friends have lives too.
Perhaps you can call and check on them and get the lines of communication re-opened. If they ask how they can help, make it a small ask, because every little bit helps.
It's one of the most painful parts of this that nobody warns you about. The people you expected to show up just don't, and you're left navigating one of the hardest things a person can go through feeling invisible. You're not alone in experiencing this even though it probably feels that way right now. How are you holding up with everything on the care side of things?
Everyone has something going on in their life. If you've supported these friends when bad things happened to them and they're not reciprocating now, yes, they might be so-called friends. If you don't know what's going on in their lives or you haven't supported them when bad things happened to them, this might be the kind of friendship you have generally.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
For me it was a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Nobody came to see me. My cousins wife dropped off a restaurant gift card at my front door, refused to come inside, and my cousin waited in the car. My other cousin mailed a card. I guess nobody ever told them cancer is not contagious. After awhile, the phone calls stopped altogether and nowadays I call them to see how they are. I always say I'm "fine" because that's what's expected.
I belong to a private stage 4 melanoma group on Facebook and Agingcare to speak to people who "get it".
Her 90 year old appliance repair guy dropped off beautiful gladioli flowers from his garden for Mom.
Her general contractor spent about an hour talking to me about the mustard seed story and we talked about our Moms.
Her electrician was a very kind African American guy who always had kind words for me.
I felt abandoned by my friends also. A kind word, sitting and talking with me or dropping by a healthy meal would have meant a lot.
Fortunately the kind men who worked in the trades really picked up the slack.
What kind of support were you hoping for? Emotional support? If so, what does that look like to you? Help with her care? What kind of help? I'm asking because it is perfectly reasonable to think your friends would rally around you emotionally and socially, but unreasonable to think they are going to participate in any kind of daily or weekly hands-on help.
I'm sorry that you are feeling abandoned. As others have pointed out, ALZ is a horrible diagnosis and being around someone with it maybe makes your senior friends think about their own futures...or maybe they've dealt with it in their pasts and shudder at the thought of it.
Please actively find other local support groups, Facebook pages, church groups, senior center events. Don't let your emotional and social life whither even if your friends don't ever step up for you.
May you receive great wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
I come here to this site for support and to vent.
Your friends probably have their own family issues, since that usually is the case. I hate asking for help myself, I've been independent and lived alone for 23 years. No kids, either. I've learned you can't expect family members, or friends (or anyone else) to give you support with your Mother's diagnosis, unless they know what it's like themselves. It's not their Mother, so they don't care.
The problem usually is they don't know what to say. They are kind of scared for you. You will need to do what it takes to get strong quickly. People here will guide you.
I wish you strength and patience with your Mother, as she goes down a hard road ahead.
If it wasn't for my best friend, I don't think I could make it through this. It is so hard when you're doing it all alone. I give you all the credit in the world. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me.
I think a lot of friends fade away because they are afraid they'll be asked to do actual caregiving duties. If they've never been around a person with Alzheimer's, they might think they're all violent, crazy, and running around naked outside. That's not the norm, but those are the stories people hear about. If that's what they think, who can blame them for distancing themselves?
Then there's the issue of 'out of sight, out of mind'. You're probably so bogged down with caregiving duties, that you're out of circulation with your friends. Sure, a good friend would call and check on you, but these friends have lives too.
Perhaps you can call and check on them and get the lines of communication re-opened. If they ask how they can help, make it a small ask, because every little bit helps.