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My mother in law has dementia, and she calls me names and then denies saying it or she'll kick my foot and tell me to "be nice" after saying something rude to me. It's like a disassociative personality and even her doctor has witnessed it.

Filters.
The filters we use on a daily basis...the thing that keeps all of us from saying things we want to say but know we shouldn't
With dementia these filters are lost or ignored.
You can ignore it if it is directed at you.
You can gently explain if she says something when you are out. There are even card that you can get that say something to the effect.."please be patient the person I am with has Alzheimer's" If you don't have a card like that a simple brief explanation.."you will have to forgive her she has dementia" Most people will understand. Those that don't you can ignore them as well.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Dementia is different in different people. My father in law went from docile to hostile and it was so heartbreaking. He tried to physically assault his own son, something that would had devastated him if he had realized what he was doing. I'm glad that you are getting your loved one placed and I hope you are getting therapy for PTSD or CPTSD.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I'm a paid caregiver and I know my limitations. Truthfully, I have a low tolerance for this type of abusive behavior especially from people I am trying to help. It gets easier to distinguish the difference between someone who is in the throes of a sundowning episode from someone who was just a mean person from the get go. So, years of experience have taught me to spot the differences between these behaviors.

I have dropped cases because of certain aggressive behaviors. I had one person lock me out of her house because she was yelling and screaming that she fell the night before. I went out to report the fall to the agency and the coordinator got angry with me for calling it in. This client never fell and was standing in the window with a smirk on her face. I got mad and leftwhen she refused to open the door. I went home. Then the coordinator called me and told be to go back to this tyrant. This was the first time I cried on the job. I had been in the workforce for over thirty+ years. I worked an office job and did this home care mess as a side job.

Respite services would be my first choice to get this person into a facility. You need a much needed break from this person.

Don't accept disrespect and abuse from anyone. Walk away once she starts up.
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Reply to Scampie1
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my mil has dementia and makes sure to call me a leech and a loser when no one is watching. If my husband is nearby she will take great care to call me a leech in a very soft almost non perceptible tone of her voice. My husband is an alcoholic and she does not call her own son names, she also writes little handwritten love notes telling my husband how much her and my FIL love him for every little thing he does for them, and she leaves her love notes on the kitchen counter where everybody can find them. She used triangulation from day 1 of my arrival, she created a universe where only her and my husband exist. And now that I have built a life of my own, with activities of my own and groups of people that I hang out with she gets jealous and resented. I individuated from her control, her shaming and guilting tactics, her only weapon is name calling. Now I simply disappear from her horizon since I am not obligated to her care and she can not force me to hear her demented verbal abuse
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Reply to Vickyshark72
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Because she can get away with it. Ignore her completely, get up and leave the room. Stop waiting on her like a unpaid servant. When she kicks your foot, kick her right back and tell her SHUT UP.

I was so lucky to have such a wonderful MIL (for 20 years), she even admitted her son was a jerk, and I said it was NOT her fault when I divorced him. I was the only one who got up and spoke at her funeral, shocking the entire family.

After that, her 3 sons (including my Ex) never gave me any crap whatsoever, and 2 have since died. I set my Ex up for life as well, when his HOA tried to take his equity.
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Reply to Dawn88
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She does it because she can get away with it. My grandmother was the same. Everyone was afraid to call her out so they created a monster.

If she is nasty, get up and leave...every time. She can't be mean to you if you don't give her an audience.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Ok . So the woman did this to another in her younger years . I will tell you how my mother’s doctor explained it to me .

Your MIL no longer has a filter . This is who she was and it is now on steroids because of dementia . For some unknown reason she thinks you are her number one enemy . It’s common for the woman caregiver they see the most to take the brunt of things . Doc also said my mother was being so manipulative because that’s how her brain is wired and she’s now in default mode without any filter to stop some of it .

It still baffles me that Mom could not do simple things . But she could plan to call the police on me and lie about me because she was angry I sold her house . BTW , I wasn’t the one who told her the house sold .
She proceeded to admit she lied to the police “ because she was angry with me .”

Doc also told me there often comes a time when a parent with dementia can no longer be cared for by family . Mom saw me as a disobedient child .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I am so sorry this is happing to you, and your husband, and you MIL. Please just take one day at a time, discuss what can be changed to fix these issues either your husband.
PTSD and burnout are HORRIBLE!!!

You definitely need time for yourself to heal. Maybe an at home caregiver can come there, or maybe a dementia facility. When she says mean things, try to let it roll off your back like water on a duck. Try to ignore it.
She is probably not able to control what is happening in her brain.

She will not live forever, and you need to keep your sanity.

Best of luck to you all

🙏❤️🍀
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Reply to Tiger8
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Have your MIL placed in a memory care facility.
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Reply to Patathome01
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Good that your husband sees a problem here and is willing to place her.

Have you ever thought that she thinks you are the other DIL she did not care for. Dementia is so unpredictable. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I am sure my Mom thought I was her Mom.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It’s because she has dementia and her brain is dying.
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southernwave Jan 24, 2026
I just saw that you don’t think it’s demented behavior. It’s possibly manipulative then.
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Do you want to know why? Is that the question?
This feels like a rhetorical question. Or perhaps, you just needed to vent and share.

The reason is, she has dementia. Her mind is not under her control. She could possibly have some underlying mental illness which is showing itself.

Have you ruled out a UTI? This can cause unusual behavior such as you are experiencing. And it can be treated.

We all know how difficult it is dealing with someone who has literally "lost their mind". I'm sorry to say, it won't get better, and there is nothing you can do about it. You can learn more about her condition. And just know to expect odd behavior and unexpected insults. Try and ignore the things she says, and re-direct her attention to something more positive. Or, just turn your back and leave. Do not attempt to correct her or argue with her or ask her why she did something. It is futile to argue with someone with dementia. It will only result in more anger, confusion and hurt feelings - on both sides.

I wish you patience and a sense of humor as you navigate this new journey. You will need both to survive it!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Freyasmom24 Jan 23, 2026
I've just retired completely from being a caregiver for the last 17 years, so I'm aware of the behaviors associated with Dementia. The baffling questions, insisting she did something and knowing that she hasn't. It's frustrating because she only calls me names and not in front of my husband(her son).
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Has she always been like this? My mom even when young didn't mind calling someone names or insulting them to their face. If this is a new thing, it's the dementia probably.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Freyasmom24 Jan 24, 2026
If she has been like this in her younger years it was specifically aimed at her older son's 2nd wife. And let me tell you, she didn't hide her displeasure about the wife...she said it openly and loudly. I think the name calling is more aimed towards the daughter that doesn't live here and she feels comfortable in saying it to me. And yes, placement is in the works and not soon enough! My husband found out these past few weekends EXACTLY what a caregiver does and he wasn't happy.
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Dementia sometimes exaggerates behaviors or traits that were long suppressed. That’s one of many possible explanations. Truly, with dementia there are no rules of behavior. I’ve read your other answers, seems you’re completely burned out and resentful in this role. No judgment, just truth, an easy place to be in when you didn’t ask for the huge job and it’s not even your own mother. In your shoes, I’d firmly tell hubby and his family that I wasn’t doing it anymore, go back to work, and let them figure out a new plan. A burned out, resentful, frustrated caregiver isn’t good for their mother, and it’s certainly not good for you. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Freyasmom24 Jan 25, 2026
Thank you for seeing my burned out mess. I spoke to her doctor and home Healthcare will be coming to the house this week to assess her needs and bring in a new caregiver(obviously not me) and I am grateful for that. On another note, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and caregiver burnout. And that was my doctor's diagnosis.
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Because she has dementia which makes her unable to empathize, makes her self centered and lots of other ugly things. If her doctor has witnessed this behavior and is confused by it, then she needs a new doctor who understands dementia. Ugly behavior is one of many reasons Memory Care Assisted Living facilities are popping up on every street corner in the USA.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Your mother-in-law has dementia. She can't control this behavior.
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Reply to Rosered6
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Freyasmom24 Jan 25, 2026
God forbid you ever have a loved one who has Dementia. Both of my grandma's had Dementia and lost the ability to speak such hurtful words to me. I've never experienced this in all my years as a paid caregiver but my mother in law thinks it's okay.
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