Why is it that the parent's favorite child frequently does little to no caregiving at all?
I frequently read where it is the case, and I see it happening in my own experience with my parents. My older sister has always been my parent's golden child, and she is doing next to nothing to assist our elderly parents.
Ironically, my sibling owned a home care agency for 15 years where she staffed nursing homes. She sold it a few years ago, but I assume she would have retained knowledge in this field and she never applies it to help her own parents.
I used to do many things for our 85-year-old parents, but have stepped back a lot since it is unappreciated and largely overlooked. My parents never liked me better for it, and it never elevated my status. That is not the case with my sister though. Is it a sense of entitlement where those who grow up as the favorite child assume they do not stoop to the low level of caregiving? Is it that such people grow up never having to do anything for anyone else? Is it lack of empathy? I am curious what makes this a common dynamic.
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I am a non believer, but you may want to consider reading the tale of the prodigal son? It sometimes DOES seem that the parents love the ner-do-well, carefree, butterfly types who go their own way without a care.
It is interesting as well to know that often the one who is closest in proximity gets blamed for what is wrong with life. In the Capgras syndrome for instance the person becomes paranoid that someone is acting against them; and guess what--it's always the one who deals most with the parent.
So go your own way, make a happy carefree life full of wondrous joy-filled friend. Who knows? Maybe you will be the new favorite?
I feel you!!! My brother is the favorite and does nothing for our 93 year mom with dementia. I'm her caregiver and my relationship with my mom has always been a struggle. Nothing I ever did was good enough, but he's always the golden child! Like you, I don' understand this dynamic and it's very frustrating.
I don't know what the answer is, but it sucks.
But then again, my narcissistic mother having dementia is karma. Brother having to care for her is also karma.
I am now focusing on raising my kids with all the love I never got as a child.
What this 24/7/365 caregiving slavery is doing is enabling the situation to continue. Until caregivers say NO MORE and mean it, society won't change.
Thank you.
As a caregiver, I was fully cognizant of who and what my mother was (I didn't have a name for it yet back then), and knew that I'd never be appreciated. As the oldest of four children, I also knew it was the right thing to do and carried on with what had to be done. I'd held out the hope that maybe mom and I could have a nice chat once in awhile about deeper topics as far as some of my observations about the family dynamics. Nope. That did not happen, she would become quiet and distant when those subjects were brought up. OK. Much later in therapy, it was pointed out mom was a narcissist and boy did that make so much sense! They do select golden children, they do pit their children against each other, they do triangulate arguments and problems, they do not have empathy, and they do not care about the damage done to all involved.
The golden child has not spoken to me in years, they seem really, really angry about everything (much like his father-who he hates) and it's just not possible to mend this, and that's ok.
I know I did the best I could, that I rose to the occasion and my mother had good care. I learned a lot doing it too, which is serving me well in this next stint of caregiving for my husband's dementia.
you only have a lifetime of conditioning to blame for it.
I also believe we should do whatever we can to assist elderly parents, whether appreciation is shown or not.
It’s hard, especially when it’s not wanted, leaving one feeling like there’s nothing left to bring a parent and child together.
Just never forget, parents are more set in their ways and less likely to change; especially when mental health problems have been an issue.
I’m the eldest son, and did a lot for my father in my teenage and early twenties, now I don’t feel needed at all, but my younger half siblings are needed. So, I do what I feel inside is the right thing to do.
My late Grandmother began telling me when I was 13 yo, life’s not fair, and life will get harder and harder the older one gets.
Her words have been proven true, so I do the best I can
I get that the first born may be the golden child. That makes sense. And I don't think that 'love for the first born' ever fades based on how much another sibling does for a parent.
In my case, the parent and my older sister are afflicted with the same mental illness. So I think there's that bond. If they have similar personalities, I think that has a lot to do with it.
Also my siblings have never had to step up to the plate because I've always done it. If I hadn't, I doubt they would, but in reality, I haven't given them much of a chance. So that's on me.
Also people who aren't as emotionally or mentally mature, have a hard time dealing with the decline of a parent. Washing, bathing, handling day to day issues is not easy for any child to do for a parent. It changes the dynamic of who you are and who they are. It's easy to be a paid caregiver. It's much harder to be a family caregiver. And some people don't want to do it.
So you asked is it a sense of entitlement? Don't think so. It's a sense of that person is not emotionally mature enough. But it can also be that sibling has better boundaries. If the parent can financially afford caregivers, then no reason to have you do it. You doing it may signal to you that you may need better boundaries, and it sounds like you're moving in that direction. And yes, people do grow up not being expected to help. I don't think it's lack of empathy. You don't know what your sibling went through with your parents. Although you both were raised by them, their experience could have been worse. Not saying this happened in your family, but sometimes a parent abuses one child, but not the other.
So I think you could boil down the common dynamic as:
Not emotionally mature enough to handle it
On the flip-side has better boundaries than the other child
Their experience as a child didn't match yours & they don't want to help the parent for that reason
They have created a life they don't want interrupted and you're willing to take on the role.
There's not one thing that is the same throughout, if you asked me. Every family dynamic is different. Cut yourself and your sibling slack. It's really your parents fault for not planning and not handling their own affairs.
Put her in a care facility. NO ONE has to live with and tolerate abuse from anyone.
If your mother is unable to control her miserable, abusive behavior because of dementia, put her in a care home.
If she's unable to control her miserable, abusive behavior because she wants to make everyone around her miserable,
put her in a care home.
If your sister is the favorite child then she is probably the one with POA. If she is my advice is to step aside and let her do everything and then you can just visit with your parents and do things when you want.
I am NOT her favorite child, in fact, out of 6 kids, I'm sure I'm #6.
There's no rhyme or reason.
I have 5 kids and I love them equally, but differently. And they know it and tease me about the 'current favorite'--which, OK, any parent is going to have times when one kid is being much more lovable and great. BUT--that's just life and then there's times when the 'favorite kid' isn't the favorite kid, but, shoot, I would NEVER tell them. Each has a place in my heart and all the in laws too.
The capacity for love is boundless. I am blown away by the amount of love in our family and the love and support the kiddoes give each other.
I don't know if I got lucky or I was good mom. I think it's mostly luck. And love. I have seen my kids help each other and do things that you wouldn't believe for each other. As the inlaws married in, they were included. In fact, a lot of the time I 'Like' an inlaw better than their spouse, my blood child. :)
If being mom's 'least favorite' helped me to see this, then not being the 'Golden Child' stood me in good stead.
Afa the favorite child, perhaps he/ she feels another sibling is the favorite. Be careful what you wish for. Each sibling has their own way of doing things in caregiving. That can collide pretty powerfully with other siblings when helping mom and dad. I think it best that you do the best you can with what you have until it's time for placement into a facility. You need to let your anger go, realize no one is perfect and stop all your resentment. It's not healthy and just not worth it. Please let it go.
I once heard that "the heart is a house with many rooms," but for some people that is certainly not true. There is only one room, with rigid rules for entry, and anyone not able, or willing, to fit through the door is rejected.
As far as the hearts of my parents go I didn't even make it into the one room with the rigid rules.
I got a dusty spot on a rusty shelf in the garage with a wasp nest in the corner.
The least cared for child is often the family scapegoat too. The one parents blame every ill of the world on and everything that ever goes wrong is their fault in some way or another. Even when there's no way to connect blame to the scapegoat in any way, they will make it fit somehow.
In my family I am both the least cared for and the scapegoat. The parents are the ones who set the stage for how the world is going to treat their child. If they dislike them, disrespect them, and make scapegoats out of them this is how everyone else will treat them too. Sometimes the child can with great effort and difficulty overcome it in adulthood like I did, but many times they can't.
People always say to abused caregivers and family scapegoats that others lash out on the people closest to them beause they love them the most.
What a great crock of steaming sh*t that is.
Bottom line. Your parents did not love and care for you as much as they loved and cared for your sister. No matter how long you enslaved yourself to their needs or how much you did for them.
My parents (especially my mother) did not care for me like my other two siblings. I was her emotional dumping ground and scapegoat since I was a little kid. No matter how hard I tried, and I did try for a long time, I was never as good as my sister and brother. I even allowed myself to become enslaved as her caregiver. It isn't enough. Nothing from me will ever be enough for her.
I've come to the point in my life where I accept her as she is. We will never have the kind of loving parent/child relationship I wanted. She tried to make some genuine amends to me for her behavior, but I think even those were made more out of guilt than out of love.
It is what it is. Change what is within your power to change. Accept what is not within your power to change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. I learned that in an Al-anon meeting. Truest words ever.
I'm walking away from being my mother's caregiver. She's on her own. Maybe my sister steps up, maybe she doesn't and the state has to. Either way I'm done. I hope you are too.
You have value and importance. You have something positive to contribute to the world. If your parents can't or refuse to see it then that's their problem not yours.
Let the "Golden Child" your sister take over and let me leave you with a good bit of advice.
Never do more for a person than they deserve from you.
Fast forward to present....my mom passed away in May due to dementia. My sister, my dad, and myself took care of her the entire time. She insisted on staying in her home until her passing. When we were there, mom would continually point out her "treasures" that were to be earmarked for my brothers family. Even with her broken mind, she was clear as to who was her "favorite". To say this was a struggle for all us is an understatement. Brother was MIA. Now my dad (93) is living in a house that is far too large and a continual burden for us to maintain. Once again, brother can't be inconvenienced and lives a mere ten minutes away.
I guess the moral of the story is that anyone who has experienced the hurt that comes from being less than in the eyes of a parent, has to make decisions based on what they can live with. Caregiving is hard enough without the constant reminder that in their lifetime parents chose not to regard their children as equals. Some can get past this and help because the need is there and the sense of obligation is strong. Or some choose not to because they must step away for their own emotional and physical well being. There is no judgement. It is essential for us to be aware of our limitations for our own survival.
We never expressed an expectation of her taking care of us, but she got it in her head that we could and became quite agitated that we would need her to step up.......I just said, I will never ask for help from anyone in my family. It put me on a course to start planning my own earthly departure and to financially arrange a safety net. Current events with my husband, led me to this forum, and has propelled me into figuring out the details so that no family member will suffer the consequences of "holding the bag."
If stepping back helps you let go of resentments, then you've really made a decision to do self care. Good for you!
Peace
If you can’t respect me and demand my time, all for free, then I’m not going to do for you anymore. Plain and simple. I love and respect me more then to be berated and disrespected. If that burns bridges or makes people unhappy, then so be it. At the end of our lives, our biggest regrets will be how we reacted to things and how we allowed ourselves to be disrespected.