I'm the daughter, mid 50s, it's my third decade in a stressful corporate sales career. Although I travel for work, the rest of the time I'm working from home, so essentially 'here' in the same town to drive Mom to appointments etc because now she doesn't drive. My life is a lot to juggle with another business that I also run. Mom is 80, lives alone in her home with no stairs, has many health issues, many due to poor lifestyle choices, including obesity with mobility problems (walker with every step). She is only able to remain in her home because of all we do for her. We live in the north, (snowy, cold, icy winters half the year.. hugely challenging getting her places). I used to live in a southern state. Of course for YEARS I asked her to come live with us and the answer was always no. When my sig other and I were visiting her a couple of years ago, one of her friends leaned in my ear and declared 'we're exhausted' (of helping her). I felt such guilt over this, within 4 months I bought a house 3 minutes from mom's and moved myself and my sig other up here (on my dime, with all the risk of this move on my back). While I had lived out of state I flew home several times every year (expensive, and I needed to use valuable vacation days from work to do it). Exhausting. Brother (also mid 50s) is 2 hours away by car. He averages 1-2 visits a year with Mom, always on a weekend or Holiday (so as to not use his PTO). He will come for one afternoon, and those visits are usually spent with him looking at his phone, disengaged, or they are staring at the TV. He doesn't drive her anywhere, he doesn't help, he doesn't talk to her much. Sometimes he even leaves her house and goes to visit a friend! He truly does nothing to help even though I've asked/begged/pleaded. YET, he gets the same $$ Christmas gift I do (very small amount), and he was the beneficiary of help growing up, example: my parents somehow found a way to pay for his out of state college but they 'ran out of money' when it came time to pay for mine. She will call and ask his opinion on things (why does he get a voice when he does none of the work)?When I've asked Mom why things were so unfair and uneven, she has always said that I was 'just more resourceful 'and Brother 'needed more help' than I did. This is complete BS... I simply try harder, work more, and I'm accountable. And these days I'm also exhausted! When Mom passes Brother will get half of whatever is left (which isn't much). Mom has also helped Brother throughout the years with his child (I'm not married, have no kids. She has NEVER helped me, or even offered to). Brother feels ZERO guilt over any of this, and could care less what anyone thinks of his non-involvement. It's not so much the help I give Mom that makes me resentful, it's the equal 'credit' Mom gives to us. She constantly lumps us in as the same: she will say to her friends (right in front of me): "my kids take such good care of me" and "Thank you to my Son and Daughter for this lovely party" (when Brother of course did nothing). Her mind is sharp and she knows EXACTLY what she is doing and who is helping her. Will Mom EVER acknowledge the truth or thank me PUBLICLY to her friends for all I do, and admit the truth about her son? Why does he get ANY credit? BTW, my Sig other is also greatly affected by this... he still works 4 days per week at 75 years old (he needs to work), and helps my mom to ease the burden on me. He LOVED where we used to live in the South. Now we're here, he's in a job he doesn't like, and he's spending what little time he has off to help take care of Mom, doing the 'guy things' my brother should be doing. I have accepted that Brother will never help. I also realize that this was 'my choice'. But gee.... Don't I and my sig other deserve separate acknowledgement at the VERY LEAST? Anyone else dealing with this? Mom knows how I feel... she is 'heads in the clouds' over her son and I'm tired of it!
What I may do in your situation is leave. You and your SO are not happy where you are. Your resentful and you have a right to be. Call Office of Aging and see what resources there are for Mom. Tell dear brother that you have done enough and time for him to step up to the plate. Tell her friends not to help her. Explain as long as they are an option, she won't get help and brother won't step up to the plate. Tell them they need to set boundaries. Explaining to Mom, they are old too. When you go back to where you were living, you will still need boundaries. Do not let her bombard you with calls. Once a week is fine to check in on her. Keep telling her she has a son who can help, hire someone or use the resources that are available. Visit when u can and stay in a hotel. Do not move her in with you. If brother b**** hes, tell him to talk her into selling her house and moving to an AL closer to him. She may do it for her sweet boy.
My mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way". Be good to yourself. At 75 your SO should be enjoying his life. He really loves you to do what he is doing. Show him your love by moving back home.
If this is true then she really doesn't need your help. Maybe make plans to move away so she is forced to make a care decision for herself (like moving to a continuum of care community) or hiring an aid. Surely you know that her care will only increase as her health implodes from her obesity and her mobility goes out the window. You didn't cause her problems and you can't fix them. What you can do is make a very clear boundary for yourself that YOU defend -- because she won't respect it. She'll continue to expect your help at the expense of yourself and S.O. Time to make yourself the priority.
Also, trying to keep financial score with you and your brother will be a losing game. Stop caring about it because nothing good will come of it in your own heart and mind. Best to expect nothing. Money and hoped-for inheritances can taint caregiving decisions and ruin family relationships.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. You aren't obligated to provide hands-on care for her. I was 50 yrs old 15 years ago. In the blink of an eye I became a senior citizen. Your SO is already 75 so you're looking at further caregiving sooner rather than later (sorry, this is the truth). Are you going to do it for 2 people?? Please make the best of the healthy years you have left. Your Mom won't like losing her care slave and neither will your brother, but so what? It's not their lives being ground to a pulp. You won't be able to sustain the pace without it coming at a very high price to you.
I wish you great wisdom and peace in your heart as you make figure out your priorities.
My husband calls my brother “ the prince “.
No Mom will not change .
You need to tell Mom she needs to sell her home and go into assisted living . This is no longer fair to you and your Sig .
That was a lot of words to say, “I chose to do this and my brother has nothing to do with it.”
No, you are never going to get a pat on the back from your mother.
What you are doing is unsustainable and you are the only one who can get yourself out of this situation.
You matter. You must take care of yourself. You need to find alternate arrangements for your mother.
This lack of appreciation was one of several reasons I insisted my parents live in senior living rather than cohabitate with me. And the more my mother alienated me throughout her old age, the less time I spent with her listening to her ugly words.
Your mother has issues that have nothing to do with you, so don't take them on. She can hire people to help her or move into Assisted Living. I guarantee you she will appreciate the paid help more than she appreciates you. It is what it is. Take care of YOURSELF now and quit jumping thru fiery hoops and getting burned for no good reason.
This is going to sound harsh, but I mean it as a helpful wake-up call. Just as your mother's treatment of you is unfair, your accommodation to her is unfair to your significant other. Why in the world, at 75 years old, and still working, should he have to spend his precious time off helping with your mom? Why does he have to live in a place he doesn't like, and work a job that he doesn't like? JUST STOP.
Tell your mother that you are done and that you'll be stepping back from her care. Ask your partner where he'd like to live, that works with your job, and move there. Is there a place you would both like where he can afford to retire if he wants to?
What would your mother do if you still lived in the south, and didn't visit, just as your brother doesn't? Let her do that. She can figure it out, just like other seniors do. She can sell her house and use the money to move to a facility. She can spend the inheritance, and then your brother and you will equally get nothing. But you'll have recovered your health and peace of mind and gained valuable time with you partner. You don't know how long he has left, so treat his time with respect instead of keeping him trapped in your mother's unfair demands.
Why don't you try liking YOURSELF best. Leave her to it and forge your own path. When she figures out she can't take care of herself you can come back and help her move into an AL or a nursing home, if you want to.
No. She won't ever do that. Don't hold your breath. No matter what you do for her she won't ever see reality. Might be time to stop doing for your mom. You are also free to move away and do exactly as much as your brother does for her. This is one reason I do not favor one kid over the other in our family. It's cruel. It destroys relationships. I saw this play out in our own blended family over the years as mom treated my sister as the very devil.