The nursing home keeps calling me and telling me my mom doesn't have much time left, she is on Hospice and Hospice has been seeing her daily, but they don't stay long. Yesterday my mom was lethargic all day, she is barley eating, says she doesn't like anything, usually just eats a few bits and that's it. She wants to come home because she said she liked what I cooked for her better than what she gets in the nursing home and she thinks she could walk better at home, but then yesterday she could barely take any steps and it took 2 people to get her out of bed and in her wheelchair. Today, she's a little better, not much, but she keeps having ups and downs.
I've been unable to find a job locally, so I've had to take a job 50 miles from here for $15/hr. I'm just going to have to do that until I can get something else. They call me when I'm out-of-town and tell me I need to return immediately. My mom couldn't hardly open her eyes, didn't even know I was there and the nurse says "I thought you would have got here sooner after we called".
I can't just keep my employer waiting while I'm afraid she is going to die while I'm gone. I need to start making money somehow. Would I be wrong for not answering their calls and running back everytime they call?
I go to visit when I can, but I can't just stay there with her because she might hang on for days, weeks or even months.
It seems it’s instinctive for most people to want to be present at the very moment a love one dies but it’s very hard to predict. I had a12 hour drive to see my mom when she was dying. I got there a half hour after she died. My dad was near me, I was notified by hospice that he was “actively dying” . I did a bedside vigil for most of 2 days but he died at 6am while I was home asleep.
Neither of my parents would have been aware of my presence at the time of their death. I think being there at the moment of death is more for the living. And I tried but just wasn’t to be. I don’t fell guilty.
We do the best we can as our circumstances permit.
What I am saying is that Mom could die on your way there. You could sit there for hours, and she would die 5 min after u left. Compromise maybe you visit Mom every night after work. (I really think its kind of dangerous to drive an hour, at least, under that stress) Explain to the Nursing staff that u appreciate the calls but ur 50. To please only call if Mom has passed because you doubt with an hours ride u could get there in time.
What happens after she passes is the Funeral Home picks her up. You can then view her there after they get her ready.
Even when my mom was actively dying I wasn't getting multiple calls from the NH, I got one asking for a decision on whether to transport to hospital and the second when the nurse noticed mottling (a sign that time was very limited), even then she lasted another several hours. It sounds to me as though somebody at the NH is going overboard and there needs to be a clear boundary established about when to it is appropriate to call.
As it turned out my wife died about a week later at 10:25 AM on that Sunday morning while I was at church. I wasn't with her but I was OK with that, knowing I had said goodbye, expressed my love and that her tribulations were over. Death comes when it is inconvenient for the family. So when you do visit her, hold her hand and remind her of your love for her.
If the facility nurse, I would talk to the Hospice Nurse. Tell her the stress ur under with having a new job, a long commute then the Nurses calling constantly where u feel you must get there and then find Mom is OK. Ask her if her visits everyday are because Mom is actively dying or because the Facility Nurses are calling her in. Either way, you may ask if calls can be thru the Hospice Nurse only in reference to Moms passing.
Hospice is as much for the family as the person on Hospice. And that Nurse who made the comment about how long it took, I would have made her aware that it takes u an hour or more to get there.
However, I stand by my position that my family is always more important than a job. I can always get another job, but not another family. However, I respect that some people don't feel this way, and that's their prerogative.
And I'd like to also suggest consideration of working for Jewish employers. Two of the Jewish law firms for which I worked were far more understanding than any of the Gentile firms. I was even told to "take as much time as you need."
I hope that each of you finds a workable, and morally acceptable solution to these kinds of dilemmas.
I don't know that ignoring the phone calls is the right thing to do necessarily; you want the NH to be partners WITH you in caring for your mom, and if you repeatedly ignore the calls, they might stop calling. I would have a frank heart-to-heart talk with them; explain that you just started this job which you need to support yourself, and you can't risk losing it at this point by missing too much work. Make it very clear to them that you won't blame them if you choose to not come back and mom passes while you're not there; and then follow through with that promise and don't blame them - or YOURSELF!! - if it happens that way.
Hard as it may be to accept, your mom has come to the end of her journey, but you have much living ahead of you to do, and in order to do that, you need to have a job wherein you can support yourself. Your mom is being looked after; that's why you opted for NH care in the first place. So trust them to take care of her and go to work knowing you're doing the best you can for her.
And just as a point of information, neither of my sisters were here at the moment our mom passed on. It doesn't make me doubt their love for her, nor their grief at her passing. They simply had jobs and other obligations that they had to attend to. They had both come and said their good-byes, but none of us saw any need to a full family bedside vigil. If you can live with your decision to stay at work - which is not a wrong decision, BTW - then be at peace.
I can only imagine that you would be devastated if you ignored a call from moms nursing home, and then later found out she died, and you weren't there.
Perhaps it might be best that you request some time off, so you can be at moms side during her transition. If this job doesn't understand what you're going through, shame on them, and you shouldn't be working for such an uncaring company.
Your mom should be your number one priority right now. And you should be trusting what hospice and the nursing home say about your mom, as they deal with death on a regular basis. Praying that God will give you wisdom and discernment in this situation, and please make sure that you're leaving nothing left unsaid with your mom.
The OP has posted here numerous times about her finances, and needing a job, and the lack of available, viable employment in the past; it's not really fair to give her advice to just up and leave the first employment she's been able to find because her mom's in decline.
You're going to have to be pretty hard-nosed about it, I'm afraid - the NH's attitude seems to be what sort of person doesn't listen when the NH tells them their mother's about to die? - but I'm not sure what they're trying to do to you. When they call and tell you she doesn't have much time left (I think that's a *terrible* thing to say to a family member, unless things are clearly imminent), what exactly are they expecting to happen?
Your only other option is to ask your new employer to defer your start date. Jewish, Gentile or any other shade of human being, I'd expect any employer you'd actually be happy to work for to show understanding of your incredibly difficult circumstances.
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