My mom is 84 years old. She is outgoing, fiercely independent, and unafraid to walk everywhere. She walks a mile to her senior center several times a week, often stopping at stores along the way. People enjoy her silly, vibrant personality. From the outside, she appears completely capable.
But behind closed doors, she has struggled with a hoarding disorder for over 50 years, and it has shaped much of our relationship.
She’s been evicted twice in my lifetime due to her hoarding. It’s caused significant strain between us. I live two hours away with my family, which makes things more complicated. In 2018, she was forbidden to live in her condo after the city fire chief declared it uninhabitable. She could only enter to clean, but never to stay, so she couch-surfed with friends and would “visit her stuff” regularly.
In 2020, just as she received another pre-eviction notice, she was hospitalized with COVID for four months and spent another four in a boarding home. Her HOA was preparing to sue her for property damage and rodent infestation, but the courts shut down temporarily, delaying the case and giving her an unexpected grace period. Her home was on the brink of being lost.
I stepped in. She signed a Power of Attorney, and I took over her affairs. While she was hospitalized, I entered her home. It was beyond anything I imagined. Leaking pipes, no hot water, walls crumbling, rodent nests under cabinets, chewed wires, mold, saturated carpets from rat urine, and layers of cobwebs and droppings. Nothing was salvageable.
I worked day and night with contractors to gut and rebuild the home. I saved what I could, adding it to her storage units (yes, there’s more). I got the city to re-inspect and drop charges. The HOA withdrew its lawsuit. I even made the home suitable for a roommate or caregiver if needed.
I rebuilt her living space from scratch—choosing her favorite colors, making it functional and beautiful. Her bedroom had everything she had always said she wanted: a pink satin bedspread, satin pillows, sheer pink curtains, and even my childhood princess bedroom set that she had always admired but never had growing up. She was happier, especially after I reassured her that her belongings were safe in storage. She even said the storage was "next to go."
She refused ongoing help but insisted she liked the clean space and would keep it that way. I honored her independence. But over time, during visits, she began meeting me at the door and wouldn’t let me in. I suspected the hoarding had resumed, but I didn’t know what else to do.
Fast forward to December 2024: she fell in the shower and dislocated her shoulder but didn’t tell me for a month. In February, she broke three ribs, only revealing it when she asked for help getting to the doctor due to difficulty breathing. Doctors advised her to stop walking in her broken shoes and use a cane. In March, she fell again and broke her hip. She spent a week in the hospital and was transferred to rehab for 2 months.
While she was recovering, I went to her home to gather some things—and found it had returned to its hoarded state. I was heartbroken but not surprised. I hired another crew to clean and restore basic functionality.
Now that she’s home again, she refuses any in-home support. She’s hoarding again. The bugs have returned. She gets angry when I try to throw away expired food some dating from 2022 to 2024, and the smell from the fridge and cupboards is overwhelming. She’s begun missing bill payments but won’t allow me to take over, so I’ve been secretly paying them behind the scenes to prevent her from losing her home. She refuses to live in a care facility. She refuses anyone inside her home.
I don’t know what to do anymore. She needs help. Real help, but I’m out of tools, energy, and options. I respect her independence, but it’s getting harder to watch her live like this, knowing what’s coming if things continue.
I am now older and tired myself. Where do I go from here?
She also kept on and on about getting a cat or a dog. I use the same threat, and remind her that most places won't take a pet. She can't even take care of herself...all I need on top of taking care of her daily life needs is to take on the care of a pet as well...and having them be a trip hazard for her...she could just see a sudden movement from across the room from the corner of her eye and it could cause her to lose her balance and fall. I've become very familiar with " 'NO', is a complete sentence". She also is legally blind in one eye, and the other eye is getting worse.
I got a deed of trust/ promissory note & attached it to the house for all the money we've spent on her, & have a spreadsheet detailing it all. She signed off on the promissory note/deed of trust (under threat of, "You're on your own if you don't sign it"), in addition to her making me her POA & doing the paperwork for "transfer on death" for the house that she lives in...that my husband & I paid for because she couldn't afford even rent at the time. I didn't want it put the house in our name NOW, as the stepped up tax basis would kill us, but transferring on her death, our basis would become whatever the house is worth at the present time...NOT what she paid for it. That's a huge difference tax wise.
Fast forward to the past year where it'd become apparent she can't live by herself: Short term memory, narcissistic personality, several medical issues including cancer, & had an upper respiratory infection that landed her in the hospital. I moved in with her, living with her for several weeks at her house, then taking her home with me (~3 hour drive) for a week, (rinse & repeat) as my husband is still working. He comes over once during the time I'm at her house as well, so it's been working out. Initially she didn't want to come with me home ("I'll be fine on my own"). I told her fine, then we'll put you in a respite place for that week, & it'll be $550 a day. That convinced her to go with me.
Because I have POA, & have a deed of trust/promissory note with a clause in it to force a sale of the house if I need to, when ever she gives me grief about getting rid of stuff I threaten to sell the house & put her in a care facility. It may sound mean, but I've put my life on hold to take care of her & (thank you burntcaregiver) I'm not letting her ruin my life any more, so while I'm staying with her, I'm purging all the crap she doesn't need (most of it was upstairs, where she hasn't been for years, & can't even remember about), & keeping only mementos like letters, pictures, & cards for the most part. Meanwhile, I've been slowly fixing up the house (new siding, etc). I figure 1 of 2 things is going to happen: she's either going to pass away & my husband & I may or may not move in, so why not fix the house up....or, she'll get to a point where I can't take care of her any more, & I'll have to force a sale of the house & put her in a facility. If that happens, the better shape the house is in, the more money that will be left over, once our promissory note has been satisfied.
This is the lady that asked me as a teen if I was going to take care of her in her old age. What parent does that???
Could I have done things differently? Oh yeah, but it is what it is.
The sad part is that due to the long period of time where she's been a leach on our finances, & is (and always has been) a narcissist, I've lost most of my respect for her, & don't even really like her. But I still am doing the decent thing & taking care of her. I have no negative thoughts of anyone who has made a different decision in their life, it's just what I did...this after going through a year of finding out my dad (they'd been divorced 50 years) had dementia, & helping him at the end (cleaning up/selling his properties & getting him into a care facility). At least my mom is only 3 hours from my home...my dad was 4 hours away.
On a sad note, someone I used to think was a fascinating and fully functional human being who attended a Church that I went to, ended up dying in a fire due to his hoarding (I don't think any of us knew he was a hoarder, they can be so clever about covering it up, by never inviting anyone over) I was so shocked and it taught me a lesson about not assuming that someone is doing alright just because they may appear to be alright. I hope that your mom will find that she can live out the rest of her days in a place that cares for her and not have to be alone anymore.
Number two - stop enabling her by fixing her place up. Once should have been enough of a lesson to you. More than once is enabling, in my opinion.
She has a serious mental illness and needs professional help. If she refuses that and is competent, there's nothing anyone can do unless she breaks laws, or bylaws. If so contact the authorities to deal with her.
Or, your mother will have to knock off the stubborn BS and accept help for her illness. Help is on-going weekly counceling specializing in treatment of hoarding disorders, AND weekly home inspections to make sure she isn't falling back into old behaviors. She must be made to understand this is the easy way. The way that means she can remain living independently in her own home and not in a nursing home or a supervised group home.
The choice has to be hers. You need to let her know that if she doesn't choose treatment and ongoing counceling and weekly home inspections to make sure the hoarding doesn't resume, that you will do nothing for her. You will not help her in any way and will allow The State to appoint a guardian over her who will no doubt put her into a care facility whether she needs to be in one or not.
Make her choose. If she chooses the hoard over her independence and her family, she loses everything including her hoard.
She is not in a position to refuse whatever care arrangements you make for her.
You can allow her to stubbornly live this way in her home until she dies. That may be what she wants, and if you want to "respect her independence", you can't waste your emotional energy on worrying about how she is living.
Your other option, ( I would choose this) is to find a nice care home for her.
You can tour and meet with an admissions director. Tour several. Find one that appears cheery and safe that you think your mother will find acceptable.
She may argue and get angry, much like a child who is not getting their way.
If your POA is in effect, then you have to act to protect her with or without her agreement.
If she falls and gets hurt again in her cluttered home, do not go and take her to the hospital. Let her call 911. They will see the unsafe state of her home.
When the hospital is ready to discharge her, tell them her home is not safe and you can not take care of her. She will need to be transferred to a care home.
You can not change her hoarding. Stop spending money and energy fixing up her home again and again. And putting her things in storage! You are enabling.
To me, it sounds like she is clearly incapable of living on her own anymore and it sounds like she is a danger to herself.
I “appear” to be the sibling that simply hit the road, when the going got tough. I actually couldn’t wait to take care of my mother, although I had imagined her aging far more gracefully, because she’d seemed a great person and we were far closer, than she and my sister. But, as many know, narcissism often increases with age and narcissistic parents can absolutely gut their own family, from the inside out. Between switching our golden child and scapegoat roles, which I previously didn’t even know existed, both being in agreement that the major or only problem, was a house cleaning, to pass inspection, and me finding myself on the short end of a parent that clearly wanted me dead, I was out of there.
Even with my departure, I don’t like the way my mother’s life ended. I wish my sister and I could’ve come to terms, that were in her interest. At least who she formerly seemed to be to me, she deserved better. Far better. Didn’t surprise me entirely. I think it’s sometimes the case, that the aging parent will side with the child, who’s been out of the picture for years, that they can control, that lets them get away with everything, including ripping to shreds, the child that had been that person’s biggest support, for most of their lives. I wouldn’t have been able to make things perfect for my mother. I didn’t have the resources, for her, nor myself. But, I’d certainly have tried my best, had I not been blocked, by the presence of my sister.
I wish you the best, but there is little you can do here, as you have learned this hard way.
I would encourage you to purchase (cheap used or through your local library) the memoir by Liz Scheier about her decades long attempts to intervene for and to help her mentally challenged mother, all to no avail. The title is Never Simple.
One last attempt can be made with APS for intervention by the state; I would never attempt to function as POA or as Guardian for an uncooperative senior; it's impossible on the face of it.
I wish you the best.
There is little to be done other than what you have already tried, and much of what has been tried has done little to remedy the situation. Sadly, not everything can be fixed. I would turn mother over to APS and the guardianship, if APS can arrange it, of the state. Otherwise, this will quite simply continue until she is hospitalized and assessed as being incompetent to make her own choices about things.
I would suggest a book. It is Liz Scheier's memoir, Never Simple, about her mother's mental illness. Ms. S tried to intervene for her mother, along with the social services of the city and state of New York for decades, all to no avail. Again, not everything can be fixed. However, you have decisions to make for how long you wish to sacrifice your own life on the altar of your mother, which is a burning funeral pyre, as in "slow burn". I am so sorry. The truth can be brutal, and in this sad instance it is.
You went above and beyond for your mom. It is very clear how much you care about her.
She could use meds for her anxiety (but this won't cure her desire to hoard). So maybe broach this topic with her primary doctor, or consult with a therapist who specializes in hoarding. You need to find and defend your own boundaries as well: I get the sense that every time you clean up her mess, you expect her to be someone different. She's not and never will be unless she agrees to therapy... but it's too late now. Once she starts falling, she will continue to fall until she lands in LTC.
Medicaid plus her SSI can cover the cost of LTC in a facility that accepts Medicaid.
I agree with others who correctly point out that you should not be putting money into this disaster... doing this only robs from your own future care.
I do hope you are not paying her bills with YOUR funds.
Unless mom will willingly go to a therapist and work on this there is not much you can do.
Hoarding is a Mental Illness. You can't clean up and expect everything to be OK without getting to the root of the problem.
I can almost bet that even if mom were in an Assisted Living facility she would find a way to bring items into her space. About the only way that might not happen is if she were in a locked MC facility. (I would bet though that she would "shop" other rooms and have a collection of things anyway)
Calling APS might be your only option.
Unfortunately along with that you have to step back and let the chips fall as they may. Don't clean up after her. Don't repair her home. This is hers to deal with. It is possible without you saving her she might have to save herself this time.
You have done above and beyond what most people would do and now it's time for APS to be called and for your mom to be under their radar and if need be they will take over her care, which would be a blessing.
So call APS this morning and report your mom living in filthy conditions and let the chips fall where they may.