86-year-old father (almost blind, diabetes) has no money left. He is in a VA assisted living and keeps saying he hates it there because room is smaller. What can I do?
Since May of 2023, my father has been assisted livings due to not taking care of his diabetes. He lived in FL and state said he can’t go home. The state wanted him to be a skilled nursing facility, but he wasn’t ready for it. Assisted livings could care less about what they eat. My father’s sugar has been worse the last 2 years because he eats what he wants. His vision is 80% so he can’t cook etc. Can’t give himself insulin. I can’t let him live with me because he’s so combative, hateful and needs 80 degrees inside my home and can’t stand any bit of noise. He ran out of money in Feb of 2025, and I was using my own money to help pay. I couldn’t do it any longer so 2 mos. ago he was accepted into VA 6 mins from me. He’s rude and keeps saying I hate it here. My room is half the size of what I had at private pay ASL. His medical care is much better. I’m so frustrated because he didn’t plan for old age and spent his money horribly. I have a family of my own with 8 grands in MD. I moved him from FL to MD April 2024, and he doesn’t appreciate being 6 mins from me. I take him to lunch, buy him groceries with my own money to fill his small fridge in his room. In my heart I want to tell him off so badly. But I know it won’t help things. He wasn’t in my life very much for 20 yrs. I’m his POA. I know he’s in the best place for his social security, but he needs an attitude change big time. Just venting.
Of course he's unhappy. He's aging, his health is failing, he can barely see, and he has very little control over his life situation. He had to make a big change and a big move that he didn't like. I'm sure he complains about every thing.
A skilled nursing facility will provide more care for his diabetes, and will provide meals, but the setting will not be to his liking. An even smaller room, and no independence. You are doing the right thing. I don't think anything will make him happy at this point. It is unfortunate for him. But you don't have to be his verbal punching bag. You can learn to protect your emotional well-being.
Your anger and frustration with him is valid. He didn't plan for his old age and now you are doing the best you can to provide for his needs. I think it's ok to tell him you are frustrated and angry. You don't have to raise your voice or be demeaning. Rehearse what you want to say and tell him how you feel about this. Then, calmly leave before it becomes a heated argument.
You are very kind taking him to lunch and buying him groceries. You are entitled to back off a little. You are upset that he doesn't appreciate that you moved him from FL to be 6 mins from you. Stop looking for his approval or appreciation for anything that you do - for your own mental health. Accept that he is unhappy and will likely complain every time you see him. You can continue to see him and ignore his complaints, there is nothing you can do to change it, or you can back off and spend less time with him.
Tell him he's welcome to find better housing. You won't be paying for it.
Listen to him vent.
Listen to him complain.
Tell him that if you find a place that is better you will let him know. Tell him if he hears of a better place to let you know. But for now this is the best he has.
Now a side note here....I do not know if this would help. I do not know if there are any in your area but....
The VA does have what they call Medical Foster Homes.
The have families, homes that they have inspected, trained, approved and these people/families will take in Veterans that need medical care but not Skilled Nursing. The Veteran pays the Veteran Foster Home. I do not know the average cost. But this might be something that you could look into if it would be better than where he currently is.
Just a thought....
"Yeah Mom, it must be hell getting old and shuffled around. I'm not looking forward to it either. Life can sure be tough. Sure ain't easy getting old!"
Then she would just switch to going over how hard it is. Old folks converse like this among themselves often. Sometimes they just want sympathy and understanding.... You could give it a shot and see what happens?
A regular poster wrote: It is either them or you and you MUST choose you for your own wellbeing. These words are so true. Take care of yourself and if you need to limit the visits or shorten them to save your sanity.
Being a POA doesn't mean you sacrifice all for there comfort and happiness. That is a major misconception for others that are not in your shoes.
My dad would often say that to me. I realized in my teens that he was right. The message was clear: Nobody owes me things. I must work to get them. I must save to be safe when I'm an elder. I got a job as soon as I was old enough to work.
Every time your dad complains or brings up money or where he lives or it's too small, you say, "Dad, you can have anything you can pay for." No variation on the theme, and you say it often. He's very fortunate that the US government (we, the taxpayers) via the VA has taken responsibility for him. Stop paying for things for him. And don't take any more noise from him. You can always resign POA, so keep that in mind, too. Good luck!
Don't visit more than every other week and don't spend your money on him. Again, both time and money would be wasted.
There's nothing wrong with where your dad is - he's lucky to have it - and you. So ignore his whining and limit your contact so that he doesn't affect your mood and make you ill.
He will not stop it is up to you to change the dialogue.
Do what you need to do for yourself. Tell him if he starts whining or getting angry you will leave immediately. Then do so. Limit your visits to what is comfortable for you.
What would be so wrong with telling him off? I don't mean get down and dirty with name calling and insults. Tell him off by letting him know loud and clear that you do enough for him. He chose to squander his money on wine, women, and song (as my grandmother would say) instead of planning for his old age. So the VA is the best he's going to get, and he's lucky to even be getting that because there are worse places and old people with no money who need care are in them.
You should tell him that you will not listen to him complain anymore and that if he can't control his complaining you will stop talking to him and visiting.
Why do you provide him lunch? He should be getting 3 meals a day.
Then change the subject to something positive and give him a chance to respond positively and if he just wants to be ugly, tell him you'll see him later and walk out without looking back. Do this every single time and lengthen the time between visits and calls, give him the consequences for his behavior, never know he might find he misses you and will behave civilized, if not, his needs are being met, you don't need to visit.
You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to keep yourself healthy, so continue to limit the visits, but don't let the situation stress you. It's outside of you, not part of you, so don't take on your grandad's negativity.
Take care.
But like Alva said below, your fathers attitude will never change and he probably will never be happy. But that is on him not you. You are NOT your fathers keeper nor are you responsible for his happiness.
As his POA you have made sure that he is safe and being looked after 24/7, and that is all that is required of you.
So from here on out I would limit my visits to just once a month, and would stop taking him to lunch unless you want to do that at your monthly visit, and if and when you decide to talk to him on the phone the minute he starts to be negative, you stop the conversation and tell him that you will talk to him another time when he's not so negative, and hang up.
And quit hanging around anyone that is negative and get out there and enjoy your 8 grandchildren as they will bring you great joy that your life needs to thrive.
That's a waste of time. Feel free to come and vent, but understand that you are not now and never were responsible for the happiness of your parent. I doubt your father was EVER terribly happy. And truly, life isn't about happiness. It's about survival.
When Dad becomes too much a chorus of despair, a litany of woes, excuse yourself and tell him you'll be back when he's having--hopefully--a better day. Stop arguing room size with him. Put on radio and listen to a podcast or ball game. Best out to you.