My husband has early stage dementia and still has cognitive ability, still drives but only to places close by. I take him to all his doctor's appointments (lots). He is extremely forgetful and often can't think through things and has had quite a few close calls with online scams. Forgets medications (lots) and forgets to refill. But doesn't want to accept help with those things. He's a narcissist and has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. I stay because he isn't able to live alone or get around. I feel an obligation,because his kids live out of state and have no interest in helping. I have no one to relieve me for occasional time away. I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope but don't know what to do. I don't think it's in me to leave him in his condition.
What to do... have boundaries? Talk to a divorce attorney. Get your share and then cut him loose. Leave, and call APS. He will be on their radar and he'll eventually get a court assigned legal guardian who will manage all his affairs and make sure he is sheltered, nurished and protected.
See? There is a solution for him so you can leave with a clear conscience. Go live the life you deserve. He'll get what he deserves, too.
Boundaries don't exist when it comes to a narcissist. I've learned that over the years. That being said, I believe strongly in grace and compassion. I know he doesn't deserve it, but that's the point of grace. To cut him loose and ultimately in the care of the state/legal guardian would be to inflict unspeakable hurt on a man who has suffered from deep anxiety for over 70 years and has always been proud of his ability to care for himself.
Please don't think I'm unaware of the toll it's taking on me physically and emotionally. I've always thought I could tough anything out, but now I'm not so sure. I want to do the right thing for BOTH of us.
Cutting him loose until the state figures out there's a problem isn't the answer. He worked hard all his life to build a nest egg - which could be wiped out the next time someone online asks him to take control of his laptop. I did get a DPOA a few years ago when I started noting the decline. When his doctor is willing to certify the inability to handle finances, I will certainly invoke the DPOA to revoke his ability to access our accounts and assets. Until then, my hands are tied.
And for maybe the third time on the forum, I think a neurologist is a moron, not protecting the public from a driver with dementia. The whole idea that driving close to home will lessen the likelihood of accident is absurd. We all are apt to wreck closer to home, as that’s where we are the most often
If you feel horrible now living with an abusive man just think how horrible you'll feel if he were to kill or seriously injure some innocent person or child because you allowed him to drive even to just places "close by."
And if he were to get into a bad accident and it was discovered that he has dementia, and was allowed to continue to drive, you/he could be sued and could lose everything. It's really not worth it, so take away his keys, or have his care disabled in some way TODAY!!!