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My husband has early stage dementia and still has cognitive ability, still drives but only to places close by. I take him to all his doctor's appointments (lots). He is extremely forgetful and often can't think through things and has had quite a few close calls with online scams. Forgets medications (lots) and forgets to refill. But doesn't want to accept help with those things. He's a narcissist and has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. I stay because he isn't able to live alone or get around. I feel an obligation,because his kids live out of state and have no interest in helping. I have no one to relieve me for occasional time away. I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope but don't know what to do. I don't think it's in me to leave him in his condition.

Whether you stay or go is up to you, but as of now you MUST not allow your husband with his broken brain, poor judgement, and forgetfulness continue to drive. PERIOD, end of sentence.
If you feel horrible now living with an abusive man just think how horrible you'll feel if he were to kill or seriously injure some innocent person or child because you allowed him to drive even to just places "close by."
And if he were to get into a bad accident and it was discovered that he has dementia, and was allowed to continue to drive, you/he could be sued and could lose everything. It's really not worth it, so take away his keys, or have his care disabled in some way TODAY!!!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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“Boundaries don't exist when it comes to a narcissist” This is a misunderstanding of the concept of boundaries as laid out in the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Boundaries are never for the other person, they are only for you. Other people don’t even necessarily need to know about them. No one can cross your boundaries without you allowing it. I actually took the class associated with the book when it was taught in my community. It changed my life for the better, giving me the tools to end a toxic “friendship” that was no friend and the tools to deal with a sibling with life long undiagnosed mental illness (some in the family call it narcissism among other things) Decide your boundary i.e. accepting zero verbal abuse. The second it starts, leave the situation, getting off the phone or walking out of the room or house, no explanation. We truly do teach others how to treat us. His broken brain may no longer be capable of learning but that’s not a pass that gives him free rein to demean you. I encourage you to read Boundaries.
And for maybe the third time on the forum, I think a neurologist is a moron, not protecting the public from a driver with dementia. The whole idea that driving close to home will lessen the likelihood of accident is absurd. We all are apt to wreck closer to home, as that’s where we are the most often
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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If you have Durable Power of Attorney it should be immediate. That means as soon as he signs it, you have some control. Read your POA. I suggest you find a nice memory care for him and get your life back.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Slartibartfast Jul 25, 2026
Durable doesn't mean immediate. The two kinds aren't durable and springing. The two kinds are durable and temporary.
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I agree with you, completely. His neurologist, however, believes he's still in the mild stage and won't sign the Request for Medical Review that's required by the DMV. It doesn't need to come from the doctor, anyone can submit it. I don't because he'll know it wasn't the doctor and I will certainly pay the price for it if I do it myself. (To clarify - not physically - but I'll certainly bear the verbal storm and name-calling). Both my maternal grandparents and my mother had Alzheimers, so I do know the path I'm going down. Until his doctor says he's at the moderate stage and is willing to sign the form, I feel like I'm in a tunnel with no way out. Once he reaches that point I hope to enlist the kids' help with convincing him a memory care unit is our best option. That could be a while... I appreciate your response.
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Reply to Jostme
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Seek therapy. You've been groomed. His kids don't have anything to do with him because they know it's unhealthy to be near him.

What to do... have boundaries? Talk to a divorce attorney. Get your share and then cut him loose. Leave, and call APS. He will be on their radar and he'll eventually get a court assigned legal guardian who will manage all his affairs and make sure he is sheltered, nurished and protected.

See? There is a solution for him so you can leave with a clear conscience. Go live the life you deserve. He'll get what he deserves, too.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Jostme Jul 25, 2026
Thank you, I appreciate your POV.

Boundaries don't exist when it comes to a narcissist. I've learned that over the years. That being said, I believe strongly in grace and compassion. I know he doesn't deserve it, but that's the point of grace. To cut him loose and ultimately in the care of the state/legal guardian would be to inflict unspeakable hurt on a man who has suffered from deep anxiety for over 70 years and has always been proud of his ability to care for himself.

Please don't think I'm unaware of the toll it's taking on me physically and emotionally. I've always thought I could tough anything out, but now I'm not so sure. I want to do the right thing for BOTH of us.

Cutting him loose until the state figures out there's a problem isn't the answer. He worked hard all his life to build a nest egg - which could be wiped out the next time someone online asks him to take control of his laptop. I did get a DPOA a few years ago when I started noting the decline. When his doctor is willing to certify the inability to handle finances, I will certainly invoke the DPOA to revoke his ability to access our accounts and assets. Until then, my hands are tied.
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Please don’t deceive yourself about the driving. It needs to stop immediately out of consideration for others on the road. Dementia means he no longer has sound judgment. He no longer gets to rule on decisions. If you plan to stay in this you’ll need help. It can be a long road. Hire help to give you breaks. Consider when he may need to move into professional care. Don’t sacrifice your own health for this, you’ll have a life after he’s gone and want to be healthy for it. Look out for you both
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